Chapter 21: Realizations

Bree entered her apartment and tossed her keys on the table. The place looked exactly as she had left it. She knew no one else had been living in it; the Ministry had purchased it specifically for her. She walked over to a radio and snapped it on.

The apartment was filled with all of the Muggle niceties, a stereo (complete with CD player, i-pod dock, and radio,) a TV, and a full kitchen with a microwave. All the comforts of a Muggle home, but with the included comforts of a magical home as well.

The woman singing on the radio lamented about a relationship from which she had seemingly run away. She claimed that she had some thinking to do. She went on to sing that she would miss him, but she needed to move on with her life and be a big girl. The singer sighed that big girls didn’t cry.

Bree snapped off the radio. Thoughts of Severus filled her, and she felt tears forming in her eyes, but the song said that big girls didn’t cry. She was a big girl, right? No, of course she wasn’t. She was a big mess. Fleeing Britain and moving across the ocean just to get away from a man… how pathetic!

She had originally hoped to relocate to Britain and stay in her motherland after the war, but her nerves couldn’t take it right now. The offer for her to start work immediately couldn’t have come at a better time. She could throw herself into her work and hopefully forget Severus Snape ever existed.

Yes, of course that would happen. And then she would follow a rainbow and find a huge pot of gold at the end of it. She sighed. She would never forget him, she could only hope that the giant, empty void in her would slowly become smaller and she would be able to look back at her time with him with some feelings of happiness. She prayed that it wouldn’t take as long as she was expecting it to.

She had really messed her life up. War hero or not, she had destroyed the only thing that was really important to her. Severus was truly a proud man who was secretly very vulnerable. He would never let his heart be open to her again. Why would he? She had ripped it out of him and torn it to shreds while he watched.

Despite his telling her that he still loved her while she was in the hospital, Brianna highly doubted that Severus could ever forgive her. She had messed things up too badly. She was surprised that Severus had even taken the time to explain himself in the hospital. She hadn’t even deserved that.

She walked back to her bedroom. She had left most of her things in the apartment, so she was not wanting for clothing or anything else. She should owl Remus, though. He could gather her things and have them sent. That could wait, though. She would need to get some rest. There was much to do tomorrow.

She had already been to the American Ministry and spoken with her boss there, Brian Martin. He had told her everything that had been done already (not much) and filled her in on all of the other plans that needed to be attended to. She would be having a hectic week… that was for sure. Feeling exhausted from her illness and the travel she had done, she crawled into bed without changing and was fast asleep before she knew it.

oooOOOooo

Severus awoke with tears in his eyes. It had been over a week since he had taken Brianna to the hospital, and every single night his dreams had been filled with her. In those dreams things had been how they should have been. The two of them had been together. Unfortunately, the dreams never ended well. Always, at the end of the dreams, something would happen. Brianna would cackle at him that she never loved him and walk out the door, or she would be killed during the battle, or she would visit Dumbledore and tell him what a fool Severus was and how he believed everything she had said. Each time, the dream would end in heartache. Each time he would awaken with tears in his eyes. Would he ever feel whole again?

The last week had been torture for him. He had buried himself in his room, not even emerging for meals. He had eaten little, summoning a house-elf when he could take the hunger no longer. His heart had been shattered. He had placed so much faith and trust in Brianna, only to be slapped in the face with reality. She had never loved him, it couldn’t have been possible. The reality and logic of their relationship shouted out to him than she’d never loved him, it had all been an act.

He couldn’t understand his behavior. He never trusted anybody, but she had made him trust her. Now, he was a shell of a man, because he had trusted one woman with his heart. He should have known better. There would be no loved one in this life for him.

He was destined for a lonely existence. He just wished he could get Brianna out of his mind.

Frowning, he turned and settled in to sleep more. He prayed that no more dreams would come. Unfortunately, later that night he was not spared.

Severus was kissing Brianna. She tousled his hair as she returned his kiss. Pulling back, she looked at him lovingly. “I love you, Severus. Why don’t you trust me?”

“Because you lied, Brianna. You really don’t love me at all, do you?”

Suddenly, the scene changed to her room at Grimmauld Place. She was sick in bed with him bending over her, watching her with worry.

She reached up and caressed his cheek. “I’ll always love you, even if you hate me,” she muttered and passed out.

Severus’ eyes snapped open. That was it! Why hadn’t he paid attention to that when she had said it? The woman had been delirious. She hadn’t a clue what she was talking about, yet she’d had the presence of mind to declare her love for him. He couldn’t believe he hadn’t paid attention to what she was saying at the time.

Realization dawned on him. She had always loved him! There was no way she could have been lying during that conversation. She hadn’t even known what was going on around her. She hadn’t created their relationship falsely for her spy work. If she had, she would have never said that she loved him in that stupor that she had been in. He had been so internalized that he hadn’t even thought anything of her ranting, but she had confessed her love for him. He’d heard her say that but had been so walled off that the words hadn’t penetrated his psyche.

Severus lifted his arms and placed his hands on his head. He had been so cold to her, trying to protect himself. Yet, he hadn’t needed to. She hadn’t lied about her feelings at all. His insecurity had just made him think she had.

He had been a fool to ostracize her the way he had. He had been so outraged about being lied to, and then the only thing he could think about was their relationship. Had any of it been real? He, of all people, had understood what it was like to be a spy. He had known the things that had to be intimated when you were living a double life. It had all made sense. Why would such a beautiful woman ever feel anything for him? He had been mistaken, however, and his mistake may have cost him his relationship.

She had tried to tell him the truth, but he had been too stubborn to listen to anything she’d said. Then he’d continued to be stubborn and not sought her out, having pushed her away when they should have been talking instead. How stupid could he have been? Now she probably felt he hated her. That had never been the case, but he could understand if that were how she felt. He had not shown any affection to her at all while in the hospital. He had given his message and left.

Severus marveled that the horrid feelings he had been feeling since the battle and had felt so intensely during that hospital conversation had ebbed away. He no longer felt the intense distrust for Brianna that he had been feeling for a while now. He felt free of those ugly feelings of mistrust finally.

He had been unsure how he could ever come to believe her. There really was no way she could have convinced him that she loved him. He would have always wondered if she had started the relationship as part of her spying, but her confession while delirious couldn’t have been coerced. She had meant it. And with that realization, Severus Snape had been set free.

He understood spy work and about the things that spies had to make up in their lives. That was why he had been so upset. With the realization that she truly had loved him, and their relationship had not been a sham, he finally felt his soul become light. He had not been wrong to trust her.

Suddenly he frowned. He hoped that Brianna would understand why he had acted the way he had. He hoped that she could forgive him and would want to continue their relationship. He hoped that they could build a future life together. He would find out in a few short hours. He would visit Grimmauld Place as soon as the hour was appropriate.

oooOOOooo

Severus had been surprised to not find Brianna at her home. Kreacher had heard nothing of her. He had told Severus that she never returned from the hospital. Severus had returned to Hogwarts and questioned Dumbledore, but Albus hadn’t heard from her either. Severus began to worry.

Apparating back to Grimmauld Place, Severus ascended the stairs, hoping that there would be some clue, or that she would simply be there, sitting on her bed. He heard some movement upstairs in Brianna’s room. He quickly took the stairs two at a time and burst into her room, expecting to see Brianna. He was surprised by who was actually in the room. It was Lupin.

Severus sneered at him, “What are you doing in here?”

Remus looked up, startled. “Oh, Severus, I just about jumped out of my skin!” He motioned around the room. “I’m just packing up for Bree.”

“Where is she, Lupin?”

“Oh, she didn’t tell you? I got an owl from her today. She went back to America. She took up her old position. It seems that they needed her to leave right away, and she didn’t have the time to pack her things. She asked me to get them for her. ”

“She went back to America?” Severus asked dubiously.

“Mmm hmm,” Remus answered as he shrunk the clothes in her closet and placed them into a box on the bed. “It seems that she’s been so busy, she hasn’t even had time to owl me until today. I thought I’d get this stuff to her quickly, so she could feel better settled in.”

“She left because of me,” Severus muttered under her breath.

Remus, however, heard him clearly. “Quite right,” he agreed.

Severus glared at him. He hadn’t meant for Lupin to hear his comment.

Remus fiddled in his pockets for something before holding out a parchment for Severus to read. Severus ripped it out of his hand and took in the message.

Remus,

I hope this owl finds you and Tonks well. I am okay. I know you were hoping that I would stick around for a while, but I have decided to return to America and continue as a liaison here. Yes, I am being cowardly and running away from my problems, but I haven’t the strength right now to face Severus or deal with the hatred I know he has for me.

Could you do me the greatest favor? I had to leave Britain immediately and didn’t even have time to pack my things. Could you get them and bring them to the Ministry? They will send them on for me.

It has been crazy here, and I am just getting time to sit down and write this letter to you after more than a week. Thank you so much, Remus. I don’t know what I would do without you.

Love,

Bree

P.S.: Let me know when the wedding is, my love. I will be there, I promise.

Severus stared at the note for a while before returning it to Remus.

“Where are you sending her things?” Severus asked.

“She told me to take them to the Ministry, that they would know where to send them.”

“I’ll take them,” Severus said sharply.

“Don’t you think you’ve done enough? Leave her alone, and let her live her life. You obviously don’t want to be involved with her anymore.”

“This is none of your concern, Lupin!” Severus growled.

Remus closed the distance between them and was practically nose to nose with Severus.

“It is my concern. I care about her. She was devastated after the battle. She assumed everyone would hate her for keeping so much from them, and of course, you proved her right. She thought that I should hate her like you did. She couldn’t understand why I wasn’t angry with her. Now she’s fled the country, and it’s all because of you! Just leave her alone, Severus, you’re no good for her.”

Severus looked as if he would strangle Lupin. “Do not presume to tell me what to do with my life, wolf!”

Remus backed down a bit but gave Severus one last warning. “Just don’t hurt her again. I will hunt you down if you do!”

Severus wheeled around and stormed out of the old house, leaving Remus staring after him in anger. He glided down the stairs and paused on the sidewalk. He would find her. He had to speak with her… to explain himself. He hoped it wouldn’t be too little too late.

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A/N: Next up: Bree is caught up in a murder case.

Thanks, Lilith Kayden, for your awesome beta work.

Hopefully, Severus hasn’t blown everything here. He’ll need to do a bit of investigative work to find Brianna. Can she accept his apology?