To Fan Fiction authors everywhere,
It has recently come to my attention that lies are being written about me on the Inter-Net under the guise of something called “Fan Fiction”. And before you all start squalling your amazement that I know about your libellous scribblings, may I remind you that I am not completely clueless about Muggle affairs. I am after all half-blood. Much as I may have detested my father, he was a Muggle, and he left me a pitiful hovel in a Muggle area. An area which, thanks to all of you, is now alive with gossip about me.
I am, therefore, setting down some ground rules about my life for use in Fan Fiction. Rules which you would be well advised to follow, unless you wish to be subjected to the Body Bind Curse, the Bat Bogey Hex or something equally unpleasant of my own devising.
1) DO NOT call me Sevvie, Snapeypoo, The Great Black Bat of the Dungeons, or any other of the ridiculous nicknames with which you pepper your compositions. And the only woman I ever allowed to call me “Sev” was…well, that is none of your damned business.
2) I have never been sent to Azkaban, nor been tried for the murder of Albus Dumbledore.
3) I would not touch Miss Hermione Granger with a ten foot broomstick.
4) I have NEVER worn, nor do I ever intend to wear, black silk boxer shorts.
I hope for your sakes that this clears up any confusion, as you are, none of you, too old to be brought to Hogwarts to serve detention with me.
Professor Severus Snape
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
P.S. I am fully aware that that is the dearest wish of most Fan Fiction authors, but let me inform each and every one of you that the reality is quite unlike your sordid little fantasies – unless you find disembowelling horned toads erotic, in which case I recommend a good course of shock spells at St Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries.
A/N. From a prompt on ‘The Petulant Poetess’: Write a letter from the character of your choice to fanfiction writers in general, or to an author of your choice.