Chapter VIII: Slipping Away

Her skin felt soft and warm, and the curve of her body fitted perfectly against his. And Severus held onto his wife as if he were afraid she would disappear the moment he let go of her.

It was Halloween night, Cassandra’s birthday and their fourth wedding anniversary. Eydis was sleeping over at the Potters’, and her parents had returned to the privacy of the dungeons shortly after the dinner in the Great Hall to share a glass of wine and to escape the staff’s and the students’ well-meant , but still ever so annoying, congratulations. They had settled on the couch, Cassandra with her head against her husband’s shoulder and Severus with his arms carefully wrapped around his wife.

Later in the bedroom, he had made love to her. His hands and lips had explored and tasted every inch of her body, carefully, tenderly, trying to memorise each tiny movement she made, each delightful sound that escaped her lips. And from the moment he had buried himself between her thighs, his eyes had never left hers. And the love he had seen in those blue pools had almost made him break.

She had called out his name when she had climaxed and clung onto him for dear life. And Severus had held onto her in his turn, indeed scared to let go, indeed afraid that she would slip away.

He knew the day when they had to say goodbye would come all but too soon. And when Cassandra wriggled in his arms, he felt an icy coldness and panic seep through his veins. He did not want to let go of her. Never.

‘I forgot to take my potion,’ she said as he tightened his grip around her. And reluctantly he let her slip out of the bed.

‘I’ll be right back,’ she promised before she closed the bathroom door behind her. And Severus smiled as she blew him a kiss.

But she broke her promise. The minutes ticked by, and Cassandra did not return. And Severus grew worried. He put on a robe and soundlessly approached the bathroom door. He sensed the magical field at once: she had warded the door from the inside.

‘Cassandra?’ he called and softly knocked at the door. But he received no answer. In fact, there was not a single sound coming from the other side of the door.

Muffliato, he deducted quickly. It had always been one of her best spells. She could even cast it without a wand.

Severus tried the doorknob and – to his surprise – found the door unlocked. Had she just not wanted him to hear and trusted that he would not come and look for her?

He found her crouching on the floor. She was holding on to the edge of the marble basin with one hand and clutching a half-empty vial in the other. Her breath was ragged, her cheeks wet with tears.

Stubborn little witch, Severus thought as he caught sight of the blood-stained handkerchief that lay crumpled up in the basin. She would rather hide and cough her lungs out than let him be there for her.

Wordlessly he knelt down beside her and took the vial from her hand, judging that there was no need to force her to drink any more of the potion.

‘How long have you been taking this?’ he inquired in a professional tone, taking her now empty hand into his.

He did not need to ask, not really. He knew the potion. He had brewed it himself only three weeks ago, had brought it to Poppy the same day he had finished it. It had a numbing effect, eased the cough and made breathing easier. He had brewed it especially for Cassandra, but he had sincerely hoped that she would not need to take it just yet.

‘Why did you not tell me?’ he asked. ‘Why did you not tell me that your symptoms are worsening?’

She did not answer, did not even look at him but kept her eyes resolutely on the floor. And Severus wrapped his arms around her and pulled her towards his chest. She felt small, fragile.

‘Allow me to be there for you, Cassandra,’ he begged and placed a tender kiss on her forehead.

‘But you are there for me, Severus.’

The sound of her voice made his heart ache, and he tightened his embrace.

‘How much do you think it means to me to see you outside my classroom waiting for me?’ she went on. ‘Not because you have to or feel obligated, but because you want to? It means the world to me to know that you care, Severus.’

Stupid little witch. Of course he cared. He cared so much that it hurt.

‘Do you want me to get Poppy?’ he inquired.

Cassandra shook her head. ‘It is late. And there is not much she can do.’

‘Then you have seen her already?’ The thought hit him like a Bludger to the head. Of course she had been seeing Poppy. That’s where she had gotten the potion.

‘I’ve been seeing her twice a week since the beginning of October,’ Cassandra confessed.

And Severus realised that the time had come when Cassandra was indeed slipping away from him.

~ ~ ~

It was the third Sunday in November. An icy wind was howling through the grounds, and all the inhabitants of Hogwarts castle were huddled around a warm fire somewhere, clutching cups of tea or hot chocolate, happy to be inside. Everyone except Severus Snape, that was.

He had retired to his private study shortly after breakfast, had not even left it for lunch. He kept himself busy, brewed potions for Poppy’s stocks and worked on new ones. He was doing his job, he told himself. But some people would have said that he was hiding there.

He had been doing this a lot lately. He had no desire to socialise, did not feel like chatting with his colleagues. All he wanted was to be on his own. He needed time to think. About ... the future.

The word tasted bitter in his mouth. He found it all but impossible to imagine a future nowadays. He could make his mind think as far as to the day when Cassandra would leave him but no further. Everything beyond that day seemed like a big black pit, filled with nothing but loneliness and despair. And he was sitting right in the middle of it.

Why was fate being so cruel? Why had it let him find love, let Cassandra guide him back to the Wizarding world and then decided to just tear her away from him only a few years later? Had he not repented? After all he had done, did he not finally deserve some happiness?

He sealed another vial and sighed. He felt endlessly tired, and the thought of going up to the Great Hall, having dinner and then slipping into bed with his arms wrapped around his wife seemed inviting. But Severus could not make himself go.

Every meal in the Great Hall was torture. Minerva knew of Cassandra’s condition. So did Filius. And Poppy, of course. And every time they laid eyes on Severus and Cassandra, they gave him a pity-filled look. And he hated it. Them feeling sorry did not help at all. Instead, it made the inevitable just more tangible. And so Severus kept to himself.

The door creaked open, and he raised his head. Cassandra was smiling. She always was. But there were dark shadows under her eyes, and her red hair had lost its shine. She looked just as tired as Severus felt.

‘We brought you dinner,’ she announced and opened the door wider to let Eydis enter.

The little one looked so proud. She had managed to carry the plate all the way from the Great Hall down to the dungeons without dropping it. She was, of course, blissfully oblivious to the fact that her mother had charmed the plate against any kind of accidents.

‘I ate all my peas, Daddy. I did not like them, but I ate them anyway. They are good for me.’

She was beaming up at him, and Severus took the plate from her hands and awkwardly ruffled her hair. It was flaming red and felt as silky as Cassandra’s once had. And it smelled of honey, too.

‘Come now, little one,’ Cassandra said and reached out her hand towards Eydis. ‘It’s bedtime.’

‘Will you come and read me a story, Daddy?’ Eydis pleaded and looked up at her father. And Severus felt a stab in his heart as he looked into her blue eyes. She had gotten them from her mother, too.

‘Daddy is busy, love,’ Cassandra explained. ‘But he will come and kiss you goodnight.’

Eydis bottom lip quivered for a second, but she did not argue. Instead, she quickly hugged her father’s leg and then set off towards their quarters.

Cassandra had already reached the door when she turned to look at her husband.

‘Please, eat your dinner, Severus. I know you have skipped lunch,’ she said in a quiet voice. ‘And do come and say goodnight. Eydis misses you.’

Severus did not answer but busied himself with his vials again, not looking up before he was sure that Cassandra had left the study. First then did he bring his hands to his face and rubbed his tired eyes.

He felt lousy. He had not picked up Eydis at the Potters’ once over the last two weeks. And he had only brought her to bed on a handful of occasions. It wasn’t that he was too busy, not really. At the moment, he just couldn’t make himself look at his daughter, the spitting image of her mother. It simply hurt too much. And he did not even dare imagine how it would feel to look at the little one when Cassandra had gone.

Then he lowered his hands and clenched them into fists.

‘You are a coward, Severus Snape,’ he hissed under his breath. ‘Do you really think hiding in the dungeons is going to make this any easier? Do you really think losing Cassandra will hurt less if you make her turn away from you?’

Of course it would not hurt less, on the contrary. If he continued like this, he would surely alienate his wife. And if she turned from him, he would never forgive himself for not having tried to make the best out of the little time they had left together. By Hades, he had begged her to allow him to be there for her only weeks ago. And then his own fears had driven him away from her.

He didn’t bother tidying up, didn’t even care if the potion he was working on got spoiled. He only wanted to be with his wife and his child.

He fell dead in his track outside the nursery when he heard Eydis’ voice.

‘Is Daddy angry with me?’ she asked.

‘What would make you say such a thing, little one,’ Cassandra replied. ‘Has Daddy said something?’

‘Daddy did not come to say goodnight yesterday. And he did not come to Lily’s birthday party.’

The rustling of fabric told Severus that Cassandra was embracing their daughter, and her muffled voice told him that she was holding on tight.

‘Daddy is not angry with you, little one,’ she said. ‘Daddy is ...’

Again, there was the rustling of fabric, and through the gap in the door, Severus saw Cassandra cupping Eydis’ chin.

‘Do you remember that Mummy told you that she would have to go away soon?’ she asked, looking into the blue eyes that were a perfect reflection of her own. ‘That’s what Daddy is angry about.’

‘Maybe Daddy and I can come, too,’ Eydis suggested. ‘Then Daddy won’t be angry anymore.’

‘No, little one, Daddy and you cannot come along,’ Cassandra replied in a soft tone. And Severus thought that he had heard her stifle a sob. ‘Mummy has to go alone.’

There were some moments of silence. And then Eydis asked the question which made Severus want to sink to his knees and scream.

‘When will you come back, Mummy?’ the little one asked. ‘Soon?’

‘No, little one. Mummy won’t come back. Mummy will never come back again.’

Never. Such a big word for such a little girl.

Severus felt tears burning in his eyes. How could Eydis understand? How could the concept of death be explained to a three-year old?

From the shadows, he saw Eydis snuggle up against her mother’s chest, saw Cassandra wrap her arms lovingly around the little one. And to his surprise, neither of them looked sad. In fact, there was a smile on Eydis’ face, just as there always was when she was in her mother’s arms. And there was a smile on Cassandra’s lips, too. A tiny smile, but a smile nonetheless.

That was when Severus approached them. And when they opened their arms to embrace him, he knew that he had been forgiven.

~ ~ ~

‘How are you feeling today, my love?’ Severus asked as he approached Cassandra’s sick bed on the morning before Christmas, carrying a breakfast tray.

And Cassandra smiled and reached out her arms towards Eydis, who was hanging on to her father’s robe, still looking sleepy and suckling her thumb.

Such had been their morning routine for ten days now, ever since Poppy had decided that she would not let Cassandra out of her sight anymore. Since December thirteenth, Cassandra had been staying at the hospital wing. And since then Severus had every morning woken up their little daughter, dressed her and taken her to see her mother and have breakfast with her.

Cassandra looked tired that morning, pale. But nonetheless she smiled and held Eydis in her arms to feed her toast with honey. Nonetheless she kissed Severus’ hand as he caressed her cheek.

Maybe he should have seen Cassandra’s hands shaking as she buttoned Eydis’ coat. Maybe he should have noticed that she held on to the little one just a little bit longer than usual. Maybe he should have heard her voice tremble when she took farewell. And maybe he should have seen the tears in her eyes.

But he had not. And if he had, then his subconscious had told him to ignore it. And when Severus Flooed to the Potters to leave Eydis in their care for the day, he was convinced that he would – as usual – pick up his daughter in the evening and that they would go and visit Cassandra to have dinner with her in the hospital wing. He even hoped that she would feel well enough the next day to take part in the Christmas celebration in the Great Hall.

But his hopes were shattered when Poppy knocked at his classroom door a few hours later.

~ ~ ~

Cassandra was calm when Severus arrived at the hospital wing. And when she caught sight of him, she reached out her hand and smiled. It was a tired smile, but it did reach her eyes. And Severus knew that she was smiling for him and him alone.

Her hand was clammy when he took it and cramped around his when a coughing fit made her whole body shake. And he held on to her hand, wrapped his free arm around her shoulder and hoped that his touch would at least give her some comfort.

He did not notice how the hours passed. He just sat by Cassandra’s side, held her hand and saw her drift in and out of sleep, each time endlessly relieved when she opened her eyes again to look at him. He wasn’t ready to let her go. There was still so much he wanted to tell her. But the words failed him, and he could only hope that his caresses and kisses were enough to make her understand how much he loved her and how much he would miss her.

Towards the evening, Cassandra’s coughing subsided, and for some minutes Severus managed to convince himself that her time had not come yet, that they didn’t need to take farewell just yet. But deep down he knew that he was fooling himself. And when Poppy came to take Cassandra’s pulse and sadly shook her head, Severus knew for certain that the battle had been lost.

He spent the last hours holding Cassandra close to his chest, caressing her hair and placing tender kisses on her forehead. Never before had he held her so tight. Never before had he loved her that much. And he knew that he would never do it again.

Shortly before midnight, her hand cramped around his once more. And Severus felt a wave of panic wash over him as he felt her body tense up in his arms. He knew it was time.

‘I love you, Severus,’ she breathed, her blue eyes searching for his black ones.

‘And I love you, Cassandra,’ he replied. ‘I love you more than anything else in the world.’

Then the blue eyes fluttered shut, and the grip of her hand around his softened. And Severus did not even know if she had still heard him when he had told her that he loved her, too.

Staring blankly ahead of himself, his mind and heart in torment, Severus sat there on the bed with his arms tightly wrapped around Cassandra’s body. He was holding his future in his arms, the future that had slipped away from him. It had once been a bright future and filled with joy. But now it had shrivelled into a black and empty existence.

‘You have to come back to me, Cassandra,’ he begged, not really sure if he was thinking the words or saying them out loud. ‘I cannot live without you. I need you by my side to go on. Please, come back. I cannot do this without you.’

He talked and talked, repeated the statement of his inability to go on over and over again, until it felt true, until he was convinced that everything was meaningless. He did not want to exist anymore. He wanted to slip away into darkness, follow his beloved wherever she had gone.

It was Minerva who brought him back. He had not even heard her enter the ward or approach the bed but first became aware of her presence when she gingerly placed her hand on his shoulder.

‘You need to go to bed, Severus,’ she said in a tearful voice. ‘You need to rest.’

‘There is no point in resting, Minerva,’ he replied in a harsh tone. ‘Just like there is no point in waking up tomorrow morning.’

The older woman’s hand brushed his cheek, and Severus slightly leant into her touch. It felt warm, comforting. And when Minerva spoke again, the tears in his eyes burnt hotter than ever before.

‘Yes, there is a point, Severus,’ she said. ‘Eydis needs you.’

---

This chapter is dedicated to a strong little boy whose name I won't mention here. His Mummy died from cancer when he was barely three years old. He still tells everyone that she is on a journey around the world, from which she will never return.

He misses his Mummy sorely and often cries because she left him and his Daddy behind. But he firmly believes that she is now in a wonderful and sunny place.