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Chapter XXVI: The Dragon and the Lily

Severus arrived at Grimmauld Place almost an hour after the appointed time. The Order meeting had started without him. But he didn’t care. What he had to report was for Dumbledore’s ears only. Arriving on time would only mean that he would have to listen to Black going on about how useful he could be to the Order if he were only allowed to leave the house. For all he cared, Black could be running around the Wizarding World as much as he wanted. And if he got caught, well, Severus didn’t care what would happen to Black then either.

He felt at least five sets of eyes on him when he strode through the corridor that led to the meeting room. He knew that Potter and his gang were hiding on the first floor landing, eavesdropping. His hand twitched towards his wand. It would be ever so delightful to hex the nosy brats. But then again, he didn’t care enough to actually bother.

The members of the Order were gathered in the meeting room. For a moment, Severus wondered what they were discussing, but to be honest, he didn’t care about that either. He was there to see Dumbledore, who, to his disappointment, wasn’t in the room.

‘Oh, look who finally honours us with his presence.’ Black’s arrogant voice was loud enough to make everybody in the room abandon their conversations and turn towards Severus. ‘Did Voldemort’s lapdog have a hard time leaving his master?’

‘At least, Black,’ Severus replied in his most silky tone. ‘I am doing some actual work for the Order, while you are hiding here, doing absolutely nothing of use.’

Black rose swiftly, his wand drawn. But Severus was just as quick to draw his own wand. Oh, it would be a pleasure to hex Black into oblivion.

Two other people had reacted fast as well. Remus and Morgaine had placed themselves between the two fighters, their wands ready to disarm either of them.

‘Put your wand down, Sirius,’ Morgaine said, pointing her own wand at Black.

‘What a surprise,’ he snorted. ‘Morgaine springs to Snivellus’ defence. Tell me, what kind of lies has he been whispering into your ears at night? Did he tell you that he is only kissing the hem of Voldemort’s robe because Dumbledore told him to? And do you actually believe him?’

‘Don’t be childish, Sirius,’ Lupin said in a calm voice.

‘Be quiet, Remus,’ Black barked. ‘I want an answer. Tell me, Morgaine, do you have any proof of his loyalty?’

Severus’ eyes darted towards Morgaine. What would she say? She had taken care of him when he had returned from his first meeting with the Dark Lord. She had washed his wounds and eased his mind. She had been there for him without ever questioning any of his actions. And since she had never asked any questions, he had not told her anything either. She had reached out her hand towards him, and sometimes he had accepted it. But most of the time, he had pushed her away. Black was right, she had no proof of his loyalty whatsoever.

Her voice was clear and firm when she replied, and her answer made Severus’ heart jump in his chest.

‘I trust Severus.’

‘Ha!’ Black laughed. ‘That seems to run in the family. Dumbledore trusts him, too. But he hasn’t given us any reason for it either!’

‘There is nothing wrong with trusting people, Sirius.’ Dumbledore had re-entered the room without any of them noticing. ‘Now, gentlemen, unless you want Morgaine to hex one of you, which, I am sure, she would do without hesitation, I suggest you both put your wands away.’

Both Severus and Black followed Dumbledore’s order, although reluctantly. It was obvious that neither of them wanted to be the first to put his wand away.

‘Lovely,’ Dumbledore said. ‘Now, I’d like to have a word with Severus in private. Molly has already put out some sandwiches in the sitting room. Why don’t you others all go there and … ah … mingle?’

The other members of the Order quickly left the room. In case Black and Snape started hexing each other, none of them wanted to be standing in the line of fire. Black, however, didn’t seem to be tempted by Molly’s sandwiches. He stood still, glaring at Severus, and Severus glared back, his eyes filled with just as much contempt as Black’s.

‘Don’t behave like a five-year old, Sirius.’ Lupin said as he passed his friend.

‘Have you finally developed some backbone, Lupin?’ Severus snarled. ‘You would never have stood up against him when you were a prefect.’

Black’s fingers tightened around the wand in his pocket, but Lupin stopped him by shaking his head.

‘It’s not worth the trouble, Sirius.’

Black gave Severus a last hateful look and then left the meeting room with Lupin. First when they had passed through the door did Severus notice Morgaine standing in the hallway. There was a disappointed look on her face. She must have heard everything. She never took kindly to him attacking Lupin.

Swiftly, Severus turned his back on her. He couldn’t bear the look in her eyes.

Sirius had a point. Why did I trust Severus Snape? Was it because Dumbledore trusted him? Or was it because I had seen the state Severus was in every time he returned from his meetings with the Dark Lord, beaten and bitter?

I held my promise and kept away from Spinner’s End, but I made sure to be at Headquarters every time he was scheduled to deliver a report. If he wanted me to be by his side, he would not have to go looking for me. All he had to do was to reach out. I was there when he wanted me to be, and I kept away when he wanted to be alone.

There were days when I hardly recognised him, days when he hated himself so much that he thought everybody around him must hate him just as much. On these days, every single word from his lips was dripping with venom and hatred, and he didn’t seem to care who heard them or who got hurt by them. On these days, I sometimes wondered if he was worth all the pain, and every time he pushed me away, it felt as if my heart would break. But that pain was nothing compared to the agony I felt when I imagined him reaching out his hand in the dark just to realise that no one was there to take it, that he was all alone. So I let him rage, I let him have his outbursts, and when he was done, when his whole body was shaking with exhaustion and unshed tears, when his armour finally crumbled, I was there to take his hand and hold him until the morning.

It took an enormous amount of strength to stay by his side. He was as unpredictable as April weather. There were days when he accepted my help, but there were just as many or even more when he pushed me away. I never questioned his decisions.

The others asked me a thousand times why I put up with him, why I insisted on taking his side, why I took his harsh words. Molly, Arthur, Remus, even Sirius, they all saw how it consumed me, they saw how I suffered. But they did not understand that I had no choice.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

After their private discussion, Severus politely declined Dumbledore’s invitation to Molly’s sandwiches. He had no desire whatsoever to spend any more time at Grimmauld Place. He felt clearly that he wasn’t welcome. But he needed to speak to Morgaine before he left.

He heard her laughter when he left the meeting room. It was coming from the kitchen. He was just about to open the door when he heard a second laugh. He froze. This laughter didn’t belong to someone he felt like meeting right now. But even less did he want this person to be in the same room as Morgaine. With more force than necessary, he pushed open the door and entered the kitchen.

Morgaine and Lupin were sitting at the kitchen table, apparently looking at pictures in an old album. Their heads were close to each other, and Lupin had laid his arm affectionately around Morgaine’s shoulders. He let go of her immediately when he saw who had entered the room.

‘Severus.’

‘By all means, put your arm back around her, Lupin. It was not my intention to disturb your little tête-à-tête,’ Severus said in a venomous tone.

Lupin laughed nervously. ‘Don’t be silly, Severus. I was just showing Morgaine some of our old school photos.’

‘Of course you were,’ Severus replied. ‘And what were you planning to do in five minutes’ time? Nibble her ear off?’

Morgaine rose so quickly that she pushed over the chair she had been sitting on.

‘What gives you the right?’ she hissed.

‘I reckon somebody has to warn you,’ Severus retorted. ‘As you are very well aware, werewolves mate for life. Once you take him to your bed you will never get rid of him again.’

Morgaine’s eyes were flashing dangerously, and Severus knew at once that he had finally gone too far.

‘It’s comments like these that make it easy to understand why people hate you, Severus Snape.’

Her words were like a slap in the face. But Severus had already lost control. He couldn’t hold back his words.

‘Go ahead then. Join up with Potter and Black and Lupin, and hate me. You would not be the first one to do so.’

Yes, he had gone too far. He knew that before the last syllable had left his lips. He hadn’t meant to say this. Of course he didn’t want Morgaine to hate him.

He took a step towards her, reaching out for her hand, but she shrank away from him, and her voice was shaking when she spoke.

‘What more do I have to do to make you trust me, Severus? Haven’t I done everything to prove to you that I am on your side? That I am your friend, your best friend?’

What could he say? He did trust her, but he was so afraid that one day, she would turn from him. And this mere thought made him fortify his protective walls. He had been hurt before, and he did not want to be hurt again.

‘I have heard these words before,’ he replied, his voice still bitter.

For some moments, she was just staring at him. He felt her mind brush his, and he did not even try to shut her out. Her voice wasn’t much more than a whisper, but her next words hit him like a clenched fist in the stomach.

‘I am not Lily!’

A swirl of black robes, a slam of the door and she was gone, and Severus stood motionless, staring at the door.

‘Smart move, Severus, alienating the few friends you have.’

‘Don’t get involved, Lupin,’ Severus hissed.

‘I am involved, Severus,’ Lupin said in a tone that was much more determined than it usually was. ‘Morgaine is one of the kindest persons I have ever known. One of the best friends I have ever had. You, if anyone, should understand that.’

Lupin’s voice was determined but at the same time annoyingly calm, as if he were talking to a child. It did nothing, however, to calm Severus’ temper. For a moment, he considered punching Lupin right in the face. But he didn’t get the chance, Lupin had already reached the door. One last time, he turned to look at Severus.

‘Do you have any idea what Morgaine is going through for you, Severus? Do you have any idea how many people are warning her from you, wondering why she insists on taking your side? Do you have any idea how much strength it costs her to stick up for you?’

Severus shrugged. ‘I have never asked her to.’

‘Never asked her to.’ Lupin shook his head. There was a sad look in his eyes. ‘This is exactly the point, Severus. You did not ask her to take your side. She chose herself, years ago.’ He paused and looked Severus straight in the eyes. ‘Do you have any idea just how much she loves you, Severus?’

And then he closed the door behind him and left Severus standing alone in the kitchen.

At first, I wanted to cry. I was so disappointed. After all I had done for him, how could he trust me that little?

And then I wanted to scratch his eyes out. How dared he? How could he accuse me of sleeping with Remus?

It was just not fair. I had been there for him in his darkest hours. I had stood up for him and defended him at times when everybody else was questioning his loyalties. I had supported him in his decisions. And still, he wouldn’t trust me, wouldn’t believe that I was on his side.

I knew that I wouldn’t be able to control myself. I knew that I would break. And I wouldn’t give Severus the satisfaction. That was why I ran out on him.

I was still shaking when Remus entered my room. He didn’t say anything for a while. He just sat beside me on the edge of the bed, and the sad look on his face hurt even more than any of Severus’ words.

After while, Remus looked into my eyes. There they were again, the sad look and the even sadder smile.

‘You really do love him, don’t you, Morgaine?’ he asked, and all I could do was nod.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

… not Lily … how much she loves you …

Morgaine’s and Lupin’s words were chasing each other in Severus’ mind. At first, he couldn’t make sense of anything.

What had just happened? Why had he lost control? Why had he felt the need to confront Morgaine? She had never given him any reason to mistrust her. She had always been there for him when he needed her. She was the person that stood closest to him, the only friend he had. Why had he hurt her?

He knew the answer, he had known it for years: he was afraid. He was afraid that that one day she would stop trusting him, that she would give up on him, that he would lose her. He had been afraid of that ever since he had seen her Boggart turn into a copy of himself wearing a Death Eater mask. Ever since that day he had been wondering why she didn’t turn from him, how he had deserved her trust. Not a day had gone by that he didn’t fear that she would turn her back on him one day. And he would rather push her away than see her walk away.

It had happened before. He had once had a friend. A friend he had held dearer than anything else, a friend that had meant the world to him. She had not trusted him. She had turned from him when he had made the wrong choices. She had abandoned him when he had needed her the most. He had lost her.

Severus clenched his fists. He couldn’t let this happen. Not again.

He left the kitchen and climbed the stairs to the first floor. On the landing, he came to a halt and listened. The door to Morgaine’s room was ajar, but there was not a single sound to be heard. Severus knew that Lupin had gone to see Morgaine, and he decided that he would wait out there on the landing until Lupin left her room again. He didn’t know yet what to say to her anyway.

When Lupin finally left, Severus retreated deeper into the shadows. He didn’t want to be seen. Thankfully, Lupin chose to go to his own room at the far end of the hallway. He never noticed Severus.

There was no answer when he knocked on Morgaine’s door, and, for a second, he considered leaving. But he knew that he would regret it. So he entered the room without permission.

She stood with her back towards the door, gazing out of the window. She didn’t show any sign of having heard him enter the room. He approached her soundlessly and came to a halt only inches behind her. He stood close enough to smell her hair. It smelled of sandalwood and honey. How he wanted to reach out for her, sense her, touch her. But he didn’t dare. All the things he wanted to tell her were stuck in his chest, trying to break free, but he couldn’t find the words.

He didn’t know how long they were standing there by the window, just inches apart and still so far away from each other. He opened his mouth a dozen times but always closed it again. Where was he supposed to start?

Finally, after what seemed like hours, three small words formed in his mind. They were the tiniest of words, but uttering them took more strength and courage than the most powerful incantation.

‘I am sorry.’

He had apologised only once before in his entire life. He had apologised to Lily the day he had pushed her away. It seemed fitting that he would now be apologising to Morgaine, since he had mistreated her in the same cruel way, since he had pushed her away, too.

When she didn’t answer, he felt panic rise in his chest. Lily had never accepted his apology. What if Morgaine didn’t either? What if she, too, turned from him?

In a desperate attempt to get her attention, he grabbed her shoulders. He felt her stiffen at his touch, but he didn’t let go.

‘Morgaine,’ Severus tried to keep his voice calm. ‘Forgive me.’

‘Give me a reason, Severus. Just one.’

‘I …’ Severus was looking for words. Why was this so hard?

Then Morgaine turned to face him. Her eyes met his, and he shivered. He knew the look in those blue eyes. It was pleading for answers he couldn’t give.

He remembered the first time he had looked at him like this. He had shared his innermost secrets with her that night, but he hadn’t been ready to tell her then just how much she meant to him.

He felt his eyes fill with tears, tears he would never allow to run down his cheeks. He was afraid, so afraid.

‘I cannot lose you, Morgaine. You are all I have left.’

‘Then stop pushing me away, Severus.’

She could have hated him right now, she could have turned from him. But she kept the promise she had given years ago, and stayed by his side.

Severus had no words left. He pulled her into his arms and buried his face at her shoulder. When he felt her hands on his back, he thankfully sank into her embrace. He knew that he had been forgiven.

How long they stood there by the window, he did not know, but when Morgaine asked him to stay the night, he didn’t have to think. It didn’t matter that they were at Grimmauld Place. It didn’t matter that the house was filled with people he didn’t like or even despised. Potter, Black, Lupin, none of them was of any importance right now. The only person that mattered that night was Morgaine.

It wasn’t the first night they spent together, but they were careful like first-time lovers. Every touch, every kiss, every embrace felt like a promise of eternal love. They both gave as much as they had to give. There were no secrets that night, no boundaries. Severus wanted the night to last forever. Never again did he want to forget the feeling of Morgaine’s fingers on his skin, the taste of her lips, the scent of sandalwood and honey.

She fell asleep in his arms shortly before dawn, but Severus didn’t close his eyes. He couldn’t bear the thought that she, once more, would be gone when he opened them again. So he held her close, listening to her heartbeat.

Why was he so afraid? Why did he not dare believing? Why did he not dare telling her that he loved her? She had given him her trust years ago. She had promised that she would never leave his side. And she had proven so many times, that she had meant it.

But still, Severus was afraid that one day, she would turn from him, and that he would not have the words to change her mind.

‘Those who are afraid of love are afraid of getting hurt,’ my grandmother once told me. And if anyone had ever been afraid of getting hurt, it was Severus Snape. He had been hurt too deeply to take any risks.

I sensed his eyes on me the whole night. And I sensed his fears. I know I should have told him that night. I should have let him know just how much he meant to me. But I did not.

I guess that he was not the only one who was afraid of love.