Chapter XII: Goodbye for the Summer

Severus retired to his private study directly after breakfast. He would bury himself in his work, so he wouldn’t have time to think. But he couldn’t really concentrate on anything. As soon as he heard footsteps in the corridor, he paused to listen if the steps sounded familiar. As soon as he heard a log crack in the fireplace, he spun around to see if there was somebody trying to contact him via the Floo network. But he never recognised any footsteps, and there wasn’t anything in the fireplace other than logs, flames and ashes.

He sighed and rubbed his burning eyes. He had been up all night, brooding, and it had not changed a thing. Morgaine was still hurt, and he was still the cause of her injuries.

‘You are aware of the fact that you have missed lunch, aren’t you, Severus?’

The sound of Dumbledore’s voice made Severus spin around. He had not heard him enter. The headmaster looked tired, just as tired as Severus felt, but there was also a faint smile on face. Did this mean …?

‘Yes, my dear boy,’ Dumbledore answered the unasked question. ‘She is awake. She’s doing fine.’

Severus let himself fall onto the nearest chair, and his heart was suddenly much lighter than it had been only a couple of minutes ago.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

April brought windy weather and heavy rain. Every morning, when the owls arrived, the Great Hall was showered with icy water drops. However, only a few people were cruel enough to send their owls out in that weather. Severus was therefore quite surprised when one morning a drenched owl landed beside his coffee cup, carrying a roll of parchment.

He recognized her handwriting at once, the slender, artistically curved letters that covered so many labels on his potion shelf. With slightly trembling fingers, he unrolled the parchment.

Dear Professor Snape,

I hope these lines find you well.

As you surely know, I am still at St. Mungo’s. It is awfully boring here. My roommate isn’t able to talk, as she has managed to hex her own tongue off, and I am not allowed to leave the ward, as the Healers are afraid that my wound might break open.

My dear great-grandfather has kindly enough provided me with some books, but to be honest, The 1001 Uses of Knitted Socks and Magical Me by Gilderoy Lockhart are not exactly page turners.

That’s why I beg you to send me some of my text books. And please, do not tell my great-grandfather. He has some silly idea about me needing to rest.

Yours sincerely,
Morgaine

P.S. I really hope that you are planning to have something to eat for breakfast. Black coffee is not considered food.

Severus couldn’t help but smile. He remembered their first breakfast together, a few years ago. Morgaine had looked suspiciously at his coffee that morning, too.

So she was doing fine, she was even making jokes. It was almost as if he could hear her laughter.

Severus shook his head. Now, what way was that to think of a student?

After breakfast, he made his way down to the Slytherin common room. He found it empty. Of course, at this time of the morning all the students had classes. He strode through the common room towards the girls’ dormitory. He hadn’t been here for almost three years, not since the night he had brought Morgaine here after her Sorting. She had been standing there before him, chewing her lip, and both of them had been wondering why on earth she had been sorted into Slytherin. But she had proved that the Sorting Hat had been right: she was cunning, ambitious and surely stubborn enough to achieve anything she wanted.

It wasn’t hard for Severus to figure out which bed belonged to Morgaine. It was almost amusing how much her bookshelf resembled his: Potions books to the left, followed by Defence Against the Dark Arts, then Herbology. Severus chose a couple of books and put them into Morgaine’s book bag that was hanging beside the bookshelf. Then he returned to his study. Morgaine would want her books as soon as possible.

He had meant to Floo directly to St. Mungo’s. His first lesson wasn’t until after lunch, so he would have plenty of time. But as his hand reached for the Floo powder, he froze.

What would he say to Morgaine when he saw her? That he was sorry that she got hurt while she was in his care? That he missed her? He was sorry, and he did miss her, but how could he put his feelings into words without them sounding ridiculous? He was her teacher, for heaven’s sake. Why would she care how he felt?

He let his hand sink down and left for the Owlery. Let the bird deliver the package. After all, Morgaine had asked for her books and not her Potions professor.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It was the first Sunday in May. Everybody had left the castle to enjoy the warmth of the sun out in the grounds. Well, not everybody. Severus could, as usual, be found in his private study. He had been spending a lot of time there lately.

From what Dumbledore had told the staff, Morgaine was recovering nicely. Soon, she would be allowed to leave St. Mungo’s. He had also told them that she was looking forward to getting some visitors.

Severus knew that both McGonagall and Sprout had been to St. Mungo’s. They had asked him to come along, but he hadn’t dared. He was well aware of the fact that he, as Morgaine’s Head of House, was expected to take care of his students, but still he could not get himself to go and see her. He wasn’t even sure if she wanted to see him. After all, she had been hurt in his classroom, while she had been in his care. What if she was blaming him?

‘Shame to be hiding down here on a sunny day like this, Professor.’

Severus almost dropped the bottle he was holding into his cauldron. He recognized her voice at once. Slowly, he turned around, afraid that his mind had been playing tricks on him, afraid that she wouldn’t be there.

Morgaine was leaning against the doorframe. She was pale, and there were dark shadows under her eyes. She looked awfully fragile.

‘Mo … Miss duLac.’ Severus didn’t know what else to say.

‘Oh, you remember my name, lovely.’ There was a slightly mocking tone in her voice.

But then she smiled. It was as if somebody had ripped open the roof and let the sunlight enter his gloomy office. And Severus could only stare. He had missed her smile so much.

‘Poppy gave me permission to leave the hospital wing for a while,’ Morgaine said as she walked towards the nearest chair. Severus noticed that she was moving very gingerly. She was obviously still hurting.

Suddenly, he felt a strong urge to pull her into his arms, to hold her and tell her how sorry he was, but he kept his distance. But he didn’t move, it wouldn’t be appropriate. He was, after all, her teacher.

‘You’ve been missed.’ He tried to keep his voice steady and formal.

I have missed you, his heart screamed, but his mouth wouldn’t utter the words.

Morgaine tilted her head and looked at him. She wanted to hear more, Severus could see it in her eyes, but the words were stuck in his throat. Why was this so hard? Why couldn’t he just tell her that he had missed her? What was he afraid of?

The uncomfortable silence was broken by a knock on the door. Dumbledore entered the study.

‘Ah, I thought I would find you here, my child,’ he said as he carefully kissed Morgaine on her cheek. ‘Poppy told me that you had gone to see your friends. Naturally, I assumed you came here.’

The old man smiled, his eyes twinkling. He sure could read both his great-granddaughter and his Potions master like an open book.

‘She also told me to make sure you wouldn’t strain yourself too much. And she made me promise to bring you back.’ Dumbledore took Morgaine by the hand and led her out of the study. In the door, he turned.

‘By the way, Severus, might I ask you to tutor Morgaine once or twice a week while she has to stay in the hospital wing? We wouldn’t want her to lag behind, would we?’

Severus inclined his head. It would be a pleasure.

When Poppy told me that I was allowed to go and see my friends, I had first been thinking about going down to the lake. I was sure everybody would be there, it was such a sunny day. But somehow, I ended up in the dungeons.

I had been a little disappointed that Severus never came to visit me at St. Mungo’s. He was, after all, my Head of House, my mentor. But seeing the look in his eyes made me forget my disappointment. He didn’t say anything, but I could sense that he had missed me just as much as I had missed him.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Summer arrived too soon. After her accident, Morgaine had spent one month at St. Mungo’s and another one in the hospital wing. Somehow, Severus felt deprived of this time with her, even though he had gone to see her almost every evening. Having Madam Pomfrey listening in on their conversations all the time had been very trying, and Severus would have preferred to be alone with Morgaine.

On the morning of the last school day, he was tidying his office, bottling potions and preserving ingredients. He would be leaving Hogwarts at noon and so would Morgaine. He was hoping that she would come down to the dungeon to say goodbye.

As she knocked on his office door, he took his time to answer it. After all, he didn’t want her to know that he had been waiting for her.

She was already wearing her travelling cloak. ‘I came to ask you which of these plants you would like me to bring back from Iceland in September, sir,’ she said, handing her teacher a roll of parchment. Severus took it out of her hand.

‘I see you are ready to leave, Miss duLac,’ he said, eyeing the list absentmindedly.

Morgaine nodded. ‘Dumbledore organized a Portkey. I’ll be leaving within the hour.’

‘Then I won’t waste your time. You know enough about herbs to know which ones will be useful here. I trust your judgement.’ His voice sounded colder than he had intended it to. He had wanted to tell her to take care of herself, to send an owl now and then, but all of a sudden it seemed silly.

‘I’ll do my very best, sir,’ she said as she put the roll of parchment into her bag. ‘I hope you’ll have a nice summer then.’

She gave him a fleeting smile and turned to leave. She had already opened the door when Severus called after her.

‘Morgaine, wait.’

He caught up with her and came to a halt only inches behind her. Her hair smelled of sandalwood and honey. Strange, he had never noticed it before.

She turned to look at her mentor. The blue eyes met his dark ones, and for a while, they were just gazing at each other.

‘You’ll be missed, Morgaine,’ Severus finally said and then, without really knowing what he was doing, he bent and placed as quick kiss on her lips.

What are you doing, Severus? The thought formed in his mind the same instant as his lips met hers.

He pulled back quickly, not really knowing what to say. He saw her chewing her lip. Should he apologize? But before he could even open his mouth, he felt Morgaine’s fingers close around his.

‘I’ll miss you too, Severus.’

And without another word, she let go off his hand and left, leaving him standing in his office doorway.

He kept looking after her as she hurried along the corridor. He felt confused. What had he just done? How could he have kissed a student?

But it had felt so right at the moment.

Emerged in his thoughts, Severus didn’t hear Dumbledore approaching from the opposite side of the corridor.

‘Saying goodbye for the summer, I see.’

Severus spun around and met the headmaster’s gaze. How long had he been standing there? Had Dumbledore just seen him kiss Morgaine?

‘Headmaster, I …’ Severus began, but Dumbledore’s raised hand cut him short.

‘Ah, Severus, don’t apologise for love. It’s too rare a gift. Have a nice summer.’ And with these words, Dumbledore left, humming merrily.

Severus frowned. Love? No, it couldn’t be. He liked Morgaine. They were friends. But love? No. By Merlin’s beard, the girl was his student. But then again, all he had wanted to do lately was be alone with her, touch her, hold her in his arms. And now, he had kissed her.

Severus was confused, and all of a sudden, he wasn’t sure what he felt.

He kissed me.

Looking back, I think this was the most innocent kiss I’ve ever gotten, but at the time it was utterly confusing. Severus Snape was my teacher. Sure, we knew things about each other no one else did. We spent more time together than any other student and teacher. We had become friends over the last year. But still, he was my teacher.

I left Hogwarts in a puzzled state of mind. I didn’t know what to feel.

Severus left for Spinner’s End in the afternoon. He hadn’t gotten a chance to talk to Morgaine anymore, but maybe this was just as well. He wouldn’t really have known what to say anyway.

When he closed the front door of his house at Spinner’s End behind him, the silence hit him like a sledgehammer. It had never been a very welcoming place, but this time his home seemed even colder, even emptier than usual. He sighed. This was going to be a long summer.

He spent his time reading and testing new potions, but none of it really satisfied him. By the end of July, he was bored out of his mind. He would have written a letter to Morgaine, but he couldn’t find the right words. Just when he had thrown the tenth piece of parchment into the dustbin, there was a knock on his front door. It was Dumbledore.

‘Ah, Severus, I thought I would find you locked up here. I came to make you a proposition.’ The old man’s eyes were sparkling mischievously. ‘How would you like to come to Iceland with me? I think a certain young witch would be very glad to see you.’