Chapter IX: Dark Magic and Dark Secrets

‘I’d like you to continue teaching me Occlumency,’ Morgaine announced without any warning.

Severus almost choked on his tea. After what had happened during their last Occlumency lesson, he had been convinced that Morgaine would not want anybody to touch her mind ever again, especially not him.

She had come to see him every Friday evening since the Christmas holidays. He had been keeping his promise and taught her White Magic. Some weeks ago, they had started with the Patronus Spell, powerful White Magic, actually far beyond the abilities of a fifth-year, but Morgaine did well. This very evening, she had managed to produce her first Protective Shield. Not a corporal Patronus yet, but she was getting close.

Severus didn’t know what amazed him more: her skills or her stubbornness. Morgaine wouldn’t rest unless she made some progress. More than once, he literally had to throw her out of his study so she would go to bed.

And now, she was asking him to teach her Occlumency again.

‘May I ask why, Miss duLac?’ Severus was genuinely curious.

‘Because, Professor,’ Morgaine answered, ‘I need to know if there is more. I want to understand my past.’

He could see her chewing her lip. She had been doing that a lot lately.

‘Whatever memories are hiding in my head, they can’t be worse than the last one,’ she continued with a bitter tone in her voice.

I wouldn’t be too sure of that, Severus thought, but he held his peace.

He had still not really processed what he had seen on Halloween night, the Death Eaters, the Dark Lord. He too was wondering what else Morgaine had experienced, but to be completely honest, he wasn’t sure that he really wanted to know.

‘What is it you are looking for, Miss duLac?’

‘I once pointed a wand at my own mother. I need to know if there is more.’

Severus understood. Obviously, Morgaine was still looking for an answer to the question of whether she was capable of evil. He sighed. What could he do to convince the girl that she was good?

‘You are inches away from producing a corporal Patronus, Miss duLac,’ he explained in his most authoritative voice. ‘A dark witch would never be able to produce something that pure.’

But he knew that there was no point arguing. He had seen the defiant look on her face: she had made up her mind. She had been sorted into Slytherin for good reason. She would get what she wanted. Somehow, she would get all the information she was looking for, and when she did, he wanted to be there for her. So he agreed to teach her Occlumency again.

He was careful. He wanted Morgaine to learn how to protect her memories and to give him access only to what she wanted him to see. It was tiresome work, but she did well despite her young age. When summer came, she had a couple of times managed to block his attempts to enter her mind.

Severus was pleased with her. She was a good student, diligent and thirsty for knowledge. And he enjoyed spending time with her. More than once, he invited her to stay for a cup of tea after their lessons. He had to admit that he liked her. And when she waved at him from the Slytherin table at the End of Term Feast, he realised that he was going to miss her over the summer.

Severus was a demanding and at times harsh teacher, but he meant no harm. He always kept a close eye on me, assessing my reactions. And when he felt that he had gone too far, he would immediately abandon his attempts. I was grateful for his caution. I am not sure how I would have handled another memory like the one we discovered that Halloween night. But then again, with Severus at my side, I felt safe.

We didn’t encounter any more disturbing images, but I sensed that there was more, and I wanted to know.

It felt strange to leave Hogwarts for the summer. And it felt strange to leave Severus. Everything we had shared over the last months had changed our relationship. He was more than my teacher. I trusted him completely.

When I left Hogwarts for Iceland, I had no idea yet what kind of dark secrets he was keeping from me.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Severus was about to unpack his trunk after having returned to Hogwarts at the end of August when there was a knock on his door. It was Dumbledore.

‘Welcome back, Severus. Did you have a nice summer?’

Why did Dumbledore have to insist on asking him this question every year? His summer had been just as dreary as every other.

‘Are my summer activities important enough for you to come and see me down here in the dungeons, Headmaster?’ Severus asked.

Dumbledore smiled. ‘Well, I do care about your wellbeing, Severus. But actually, I came to show you something.’

He placed a leather-bound book on Severus’ desk. Severus picked it up.

Secrets of the Dark Arts? Severus frowned. Why would Dumbledore give him a book about Dark Magic?

Dumbledore answered his unasked question. ‘This is a dangerous little book. Three weeks ago, I caught Morgaine with it.’

‘She did not get it from me.’

‘I haven’t accused you of anything, Severus,’ Dumbledore said in a mild tone.

Severus was himself a little surprised at his reaction. Why did he feel the need to defend himself?

‘Morgaine confessed to having purchased this book in Knockturn Alley,’ Dumbledore explained. ‘Do you realise what this means, Severus?’

Severus nodded. ‘She is taking matters in her own hands.’ It was quite clear.

Dumbledore nodded. ‘She has decided to dig in her past, and she is under the impression that learning about the Dark Arts will help her to understand it. Quite reasonable really, since her father was most likely a Death Eater.’

Severus felt a chill go down his spine. ‘You have to put an end to that, Albus. You have to stop her. The Dark Arts are not something a girl her age should be meddling with.’

Dumbledore was annoyingly calm. ‘Tell me, Severus, what will Morgaine do once I forbid her to learn about the Dark Arts?’

‘She will do it in secret.’

Again, it was crystal clear. Morgaine hadn’t been sorted into Slytherin by accident. She knew what she wanted, and once she had made up her mind, there was no way anyone could hold her back. Damn her stubbornness.

Dumbledore nodded. ‘That’s why I want you to help her, Severus.’

‘You want me to do what? Are you asking me to teach the Dark Arts to Morgaine?’ Severus couldn’t believe what he had just heard. ‘With all due respect, Albus, have you lost your mind?’

‘No, Severus, of course not.’ Dumbledore was still smiling. ‘But as you pointed out yourself, if we forbid her, she will work in secret, and only the Gods know what can happen. I want you to continue teaching Morgaine White Magic. I want you to keep an eye on her. I want you to make sure that she doesn’t do anything stupid.’ And without another word, Dumbledore left the dungeons.

Severus stood staring at the door Dumbledore had closed behind him. He was still holding Morgaine’s book in his hand.

What had the girl been thinking? And what was Dumbledore thinking? He didn’t understand. Dumbledore had made him renounce the Dark Arts when he came to Hogwarts. He wasn’t even allowed to teach Defence Against the Dark Arts. And now, he was supposed to teach Morgaine. No, not teach her, he corrected himself, but guide her, protect her.

He shivered. He was still staring at the door, not knowing how he was going to handle the situation.

He didn’t get a lot of time to think about what the headmaster had asked him to do. He had just returned to his office after the start of term feast and sat down at his desk, when there was a knock on the door. He knew that it was Morgaine. He had sensed her a while ago. She didn’t waste any time with polite phrases.

‘I assume Dumbledore has already tattled about my excursion to Knockturn Alley.’

Her straightforwardness didn’t surprise Severus. He knew her well enough to know that she wasn’t one to beat about the bush. He crossed his arms in front of his chest and nodded.

‘And?’ Her voice was demanding.

Severus stared at her. ‘Do you have any idea what you are meddling with, Miss duLac?’ His voice was harsh, but Morgaine didn’t even flinch. ‘The Dark Arts are dangerous, unpredictable and detrimental.’

He saw the defiant look on her face.

‘I am aware of that, Professor. That’s why I am asking for your help.’

He took a deep breath. Morgaine had no idea what she was asking of him. How he wished he could talk her out of this. But her mind was made up, he could sense this clearly.

‘Have a seat, Miss duLac.’ He beckoned her towards the chair on the other side of his desk. He wanted to look into her eyes. She held his gaze as he spoke.

‘You have to understand the destructive nature of the Dark Arts, Miss duLac. They are a dangerous enemy. Many wizards, both older and more skilled than you, have been destroyed by them. You must be aware of that.’

Morgaine nodded. ‘That’s why I came to ask for your guidance, sir.’

‘I will not teach you how to use the Dark Arts, Miss duLac.’

‘I’ve never asked you to.’

‘Then be here Friday night, eight o’clock,’ he said in a harsh tone. ‘And now, to bed with you.’

She did as she was told. She bid her mentor goodnight and left his office.

Severus buried his face in his hands. What had he done? He should have talked her out of this. But it was too late now. He had agreed to teach her. There was no turning back. All he could do was to make sure that she wouldn’t fall for the Dark Arts.

He planned their first lesson carefully. He would start by showing Morgaine what Dark Magic could do, what terrible effects it could have. By Friday evening, he had filled his office with shadowy, ghastly pictures depicting the horrors of Dark Magic: a witch shrieking in agony, a blank-eyed wizard crouching in a dark corner, the bloody remains of a human body spread out on the floor. These were the sights that greeted Morgaine when she entered the office. Severus was relieved to see nothing but repulsion in her eyes. He didn’t know what he would have done if she had shown the slightest sign of fascination.

He continued teaching her about the Dark Arts all throughout the autumn. He was relieved to see that she showed a deep understanding of their gruesomeness. Back in September, he had for a moment feared that she would come to take after her alleged father, that she would be fascinated by the Dark Arts, that she would embrace them wholeheartedly. But nothing like this had occurred. On the contrary: for every curse he showed her, she asked for a counter-curse; for every poison he showed her, she asked for an antidote. White Magic obviously attracted her more than the Dark Arts. She would make a good Auror one day.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Christmas came and with it the holidays. Morgaine was once more one of the few students to remain at school. Severus was looking forward to being able to spend more time with her than a couple of hours every Friday evening. He had planned to teach her to brew some very powerful healing potions.

The day after Christmas, he was informed by Filch, the caretaker, that there was a Boggart hiding in one of the classrooms on the third floor, and he decided to let Morgaine get rid of it. She would certainly find it amusing. And he hadn’t seen her smile for quite some time. Morgaine, however, didn’t seem to like the idea.

‘I don’t really feel like meeting a Boggart right now, sir.’

Severus frowned. Now, that was just ridiculous. Over the last couple of months, Morgaine had seen more blood and terror than any other sixteen-year-old in this castle. She couldn’t be afraid of a Boggart, could she? To be honest, he felt a little disappointed.

‘As you wish, I will get rid of it myself then,’ he said.

He saw Morgaine’s lips twitch. He wasn’t sure what it meant, but he was certain that it wasn’t intended to be a smile. He heard her take a deep breath.

‘Well, if you insist. Where is this Boggart?’

Severus suppressed a smile. He had known that she would not be able to resist this little treat. He led her to the classroom where he had locked the Boggart into a trunk and beckoned at it.

‘It’s all yours, Miss duLac,’ he said, and with a flick of his wand he unlocked the trunk.

He didn’t know what shape he had expected Morgaine’s Boggart to take, but it certainly had not been this one. It was like looking into a mirror. Severus didn’t understand. Why would Morgaine’s Boggart look like him?

And then the Boggart changed. It pulled up a hood and put on a mask. A Death Eater mask. And Severus felt all the blood leave his face.

‘Riddikulus.’

Morgaine’s voice was clear and firm. Obviously, she wasn’t surprised by the shape her Boggart had taken.

The Boggart shrank to the size of a gnome and started running around Morgaine’s legs. She picked him up by the neck and threw him unceremoniously into the trunk where he had come from. Then she turned to face her teacher.

Severus swallowed. Her face didn’t show any kind of emotion. She just looked at him.

He desperately wanted her to say something. Anything. The silence was unbearable. But she didn't say a word.

Some minutes passed before Severus found his voice.

‘How did you find out?’

He almost didn’t recognize his own voice. It seemed to come from far, far away.

‘Did you really think I wouldn’t do any research, sir? When I learnt that my mother had associated with Death Eaters, I went to find out as much as I could.’

Of course she did.

‘I found out about you this summer.’

Severus could see the questioning look in her eyes. She was waiting for him to speak, to explain himself. But what was he supposed to say?

They stood silent for a while just gazing at each other.

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ Morgaine’s voice cut through the silence like a sharp knife.

The answer filled Severus’ mind like the light of a candle fills a dark room.

I was afraid you would turn from me.

But he couldn’t tell her. He didn’t dare. What if she did turn from him?

He lowered his eyes. He couldn’t stand the way Morgaine was looking at him.

He heard her leaving the room, but he didn’t have any words to call her back.

He felt as if all the energy had been sucked from his body. How had she found out? And why hadn’t she said anything? Why hadn’t she confronted him when she had returned to Hogwarts? A thousand questions were zooming around in his brain, but then, a thought that was louder than any of the others made him sink to his knees:

I have let her down. She trusted me, and I betrayed that trust by not telling her the truth. She will never forgive me.

He buried his face in his hands. Losing Morgaine’s trust was the worst thing he could imagine at this moment.

Severus had been a Death Eater.

I found out when I was reading about the rise and fall of Voldemort during the summer. I didn’t understand. How could the man who had been teaching me White Magic for over a year be a Dark wizard? I went on reading and learnt that Severus had turned from Voldemort, that Dumbledore had vouched for him, that he had renounced the Dark Arts, that he had made a choice.

All throughout the fall I wanted to ask him about his past, but I didn’t have the courage. What if he got angry with me for snooping around? What if he told me that it wasn’t any of my business? I was just a child, his student, and he was my teacher. What right did I have to ask about his past, his motives?

But I was disappointed. Why hadn’t he told me? Did he trust me that little? He knew so much about my past.

He knew that I was looking for answers. He should have known that I would read up about Death Eaters. And he should have known that I, sooner or later, would stumble across his secret.

I told him that I did not want to meet the Boggart. I knew it would turn into him wearing a Death Eater mask. But he had insisted.

This was not how I had wanted him to find out that I knew about his dark past.