The Afterlife
Chapter 3


Severus wandered back to Spinner's End, wondering the entire way how he was going to find Lucian. She had always come to him. He had never even thought about how the notes from her always ended up on his table in the library every morning. He took her words to heart and expected her to eventually come back. But now that he knew he'd hurt her feelings unintentionally, he didn't know how to get in touch with her.

He rubbed his forehead, trying to stave away a headache threatening to pound, and entered his home. He went directly into his potions lab and began pouring ingredients into a cauldron. This was going to be for her. He had never made something specifically for a woman before. This would be a test.

The potion had to simmer for a while, so he made his way to the study. He picked up a piece of parchment and his quill and sat down to compose a letter to Lucian.

Lucian,

He stared at the parchment as he tapped the feather of the quill against his lips. What was he going to say? He really had no clue what to write that would bring her here.

I realize you are otherwise engaged with your servitude to Him and the Fates; however, I do hope that you will once again grace me with your presence. This has been a very trying week for me without you here. I have arranged breakfast for two individuals every day. I attempted to continue things as they had been, but without you in my proximity, it had been for naught. I miss your company. I wish to discuss books with you. I wish to sit by your side, reading quietly. I miss

…you. He wanted to write it, but for some reason he couldn't. It was something he could admit to himself, but not to her. At least not yet. With a wave of his wand, the last two words he had written disappeared.

It is my hope that your commitments will permit you to visit me in the near future.

I thought you would like to know that I visited with Lily and James Potter during the duration of this day. We had a comfortable conversation, and I realized something. You inquired of me if I still ‘love’ Lily. I can now tell you with confidence that I do not. I felt nothing when she hugged me. I felt nothing when she put her hand on mine. I saw a friend, a confidant, and that was all.

My hope, without being too forward, is that this realization will ease your mind. Lily Evans Potter is a well wisher and an ally. She and her husband showed me much gratitude for rescuing their son. I even shook James' hand. Perhaps death does change one's perspective.

I look forward to seeing you soon.

Sincerely,
Severus Snape

He read over the note several times and was satisfied with how it had come out. He wasn't quite ready to face his emotions, but he did want to apologize and hoped she would come to see him soon. He needed her to come. It was dreadfully boring without her, and now that he'd realized the emotions she had for him, he needed to see if he truly shared them.

He checked his watch and saw that his potion was nearly done. Folding up the letter, he put it in an envelope and carefully wrote her name across the front. He moved back into his lab and checked on the concoction. It was perfect: the perfect shade, the perfect scent, the perfect texture. He waved his wand at a beaker and transfigured it into a bottle with a pump on top. He opened it, taking off the pump, and poured the contents of the cauldron into the bottle. Replacing the pump and lid, he tested it, filling the pump with the thick cream substance. He pumped a small bit into the palm of his hand and rubbed it in. It felt nice and smelled wonderfully, but not strong.

Taking the bottle and the letter into the library, he placed it on the table where he had found her letters all week. Perhaps she would find it there. Satisfied with his handiwork, he sat down in his chair and began to re-read the potions book he had read the first day he arrived. Perhaps it would bring him luck.

He finally went to bed around eleven, exhausted beyond belief. At least he knew that after he slept, there would be a note from Lucian left in the library, at least he hoped so. Unfortunately, sleep did not come easy. He was tired, but also quite anxious. He wanted to see Lucian so badly. Finally around two, he dropped into a restless sleep.

When he awoke at nearly nine in the morning, he stumbled from the bed, pulling on his robe as he headed towards the kitchen. He fixed breakfast as he had for the past week, eggs and bacon for two and a pot of coffee. He placed the food on the table, as he had every day, and poured himself a cup of coffee. He took the cup and headed for the library, wondering what Lucian’s letter would say today and hoping she had received his letter.

He entered the library and stopped. The cup fell from his fingers as he gazed upon the elusive woman who had become the very existence of his afterlife. It shattered on the floor and his mouth fell open. “Lucian… I…”

She had gasped when the cup fell, but didn’t move. She had been there for hours, waiting for him to awaken. Looking him over, she saw that he had hardly slept and seemed worried. His feet were bare and she was afraid he might cut them on the shattered porcelain.

Severus jerked his wrist and his wand fell into his hand. He saw the worried look on Lucian’s face and remembered he hadn’t put on his stockings. With a wave of his wand, the cup repaired itself and the coffee was cleaned up. He placed the newly repaired cup on the table beside the door. In three quick strides, he was standing before her, barefoot and wearing only an old, tattered robe. “I’m pleased you were able to stop by today. Forgive my appearance,” he said, hastily cinching the belt of his robe tighter. “I’ve only just awakened. How long have you been here?”

Lucian was sitting in the chair she normally sat when they read together. She had her hands lying in her lap and she looked very prim and proper. She looked at her hands as she spoke. “A little while,” she lied. She wasn’t about to tell him she had watched him sleep fitfully. She had wanted to sit beside him and take away his pain, to make him sleep better, to just touch him. “Thank you for the gift. It’s wonderful. My hands feel so soft.” She smiled, rubbing her hands together.

He gave a sharp nod. “You are quite welcome. It was the least I could do. I was not a very hospitable host during your last visit.”

She looked up, surprised he would say such a thing. “You’ve never been anything but hospitable, Severus. I should have never…” She dropped her head. “I should have never said anything.”

He looked at her, pondering his reply. Suddenly, he began pacing the room, his bare feet slapping against the wood. “No, it is I who should explain. You see, when you asked me if I still… ‘love’ Lily, I could not give you a reply because I did not know.”

He reached the doorway and turned around to stride in the other direction. Pacing always helped him think clearly, and Merlin knew he needed to say this as clearly as possible. “In my life, there has only been one person who actually cared for me. Lily. Not even my parents cared. And then I ruined it with her and she hated me. I said something so incredibly idiotic…” He shook his head at his childish self, still walking from one end of the room to the other.

“I may have been seeking a father figure in Dumbledore and Voldemort. They told me what to do, how I was to act, how I was to fool each of them. I needed that direction. I had none. I fooled myself into thinking that they cared all because I just wanted someone to care. I spent so much time trying to please them that I never had time for anyone else.”

He sighed and came to a stop before her. “I guess what I am really trying to get across here is that I have never had friends, nor anyone I cared for, other than Lily. She was taken away from me, and I felt I could never care again… until now.” He looked at her, taking in her entire being. He paused to gauge her reaction.

Lucian looked up into his dark eyes. There was something there, something that had been missing for so long. She stood, spreading her wings out behind her. Taking her hands in his, she said, “I know, Severus. I’ve watched your pain, and it hurt me. You never deserved to be in such pain.” She squeezed his hands gently. “I want to help, Severus. I want… I want to teach you what it feels like to be lo… cared for. Please, let me.”

He brought up one of her hands to his mouth and kissed it softly. His lips were hot against her skin and she flushed. There was something in his body language that told her he wanted to do more, but was afraid to. “I would be honored if you would teach me,” he said, looking up into her eyes.

Lucian felt faint. For someone who knew nothing about caring, he surely knew how to sweep a woman off her feet. “Ah, y-yes, I will. Severus, I’m sorry I didn’t come back. I was just… I thought you still loved Lily. That was something I wasn’t going to come between.”

He shook his head. “I am very sorry to lead you to believe such a thing. I didn’t know myself and couldn’t answer you truthfully. I apologize and certainly deserved your disdain.”

She laughed. “Always so formal,” she said. “Now, shall we go eat breakfast before it gets cold?”