Chapter 03

The man’s once black robes were grey with dust, swept over him by the icy winds that were racing over the dismal plains. He was lying on the ground in a foetal position, his eyes closed, one frozen hand clenched tightly around a crumbled piece of paper. Pain and coldness were the only things he was aware of, and they were enough to fully occupy his mind. He had no names for them, though, just as he had no name for anything any more, including himself. He was, and they were with him, and he did not remember anything else.

He couldn’t tell when the first thoughts began seeping into his mind. At first, he did not know what they were. He hadn’t been thinking anything for so long a time that he could not grasp them, but just felt the additional pain they were causing by their mere existence. Incessant, exhausting, incomprehensible was all that they were.

Slowly, very slowly, they began to morph into words he could understand, until they had become sentences that repeated themselves in his mind over and over again.

“There will be help. You must not forget this! There will be help.”

Help. It took him a long time to grasp the concept of that word, and when he finally succeeded, he found no relief in the knowledge. He was certain that this was a thing that could not be meant for him. The thoughts wouldn’t go away, though, however much he tried to shut them out, promising something he knew he could not have, did not deserve. Maybe it was just to shut them up that he finally dared to form a question in his mind:

“How?”

The answer came immediately, a cool, calm, and somehow familiar voice inside his head - a voice of which he knew was not his own: “Lupin. You must find Lupin.”

Lupin. It was a person, he suddenly knew, but whether it was a man or a woman, he couldn’t say, just as he did not know why this person would be of any help. It didn’t matter much, though, for he still could not believe that this was real. There had been no hope as long as he could remember, and there was no reason for it to exist all of a sudden.

He curled up tighter and waited for the voices to go away.

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“So, is it always like that? Two people get chosen to help each other through the process?”

After Remus had been taken by the Guardians and Tonks had calmed down, the people who’d been left behind – namely Tonks, her father (who’d arrived shortly after Remus had been gone), Sirius, Peter, James, and Lily – had left the place where Remus and Tonks had been welcomed into the afterlife. They were now sitting around a table in front of a small, homely cottage at the edge of the wood, drinking tea, and Sirius and Peter – as the only ones present who’d experienced Purgatory themselves – were explaining to Tonks what was happening to Remus.

“As far as we know, that’s how it works,” Sirius said. “And it usually has to be someone you knew in life. So I’m not sure about people who didn’t know anyone who went to Purgatory as well, but I guess there’s some other solution.”

“And do they have to die within a couple of years to each other, or doesn’t that matter? I mean, could it be a grandfather and his granddaughter, for example? Or would that be too long a time in between?”

Sirius shook his head. “It doesn’t matter, as long as you knew them. Time’s working very differently there.”

“Yes, it’s very different, even from here,” Peter said. “If you stick with the timeline in the world of the living, I died just some weeks ago. And for James and Lily it was just some weeks here in Elysium as well from my arrival until Sirius and I came back. But in Purgatory...it felt like eternity.”

His voice had become much softer on the last words, and almost automatically, Sirius reached over and took his hand.

Tonks watched them thoughtfully for some moments before asking her next question.

“And does it often happen that they end up as couples, like the two of you?”

Sirius choked on his tea. Peter turned a bright shade of red and pulled his hand away from Sirius’s. Lily and James snickered.

“What?” She looked back and forth between them in confusion. “Did I say something wrong?”

“We’re not a couple!” Sirius spluttered, tea still dripping from his chin. “We’re just...good friends.”

“Yeah, good friends who live together in a house with one bedroom, hold hands all the time and look like lovesick puppies whenever they don’t see each other for more than two hours,” James agreed.

Peter flushed even more, and Sirius got up. “Need to get a new shirt, I’m all wet,” he mumbled before vanishing inside the house.

“They’re in denial.” James grinned mischievously. “We’re having a bet running on how long it will take them to admit it. Want to join?”

“I’m betting at least another six months, but that’s just because I find them so adorable to watch like this,” Lily said.

To Tonks, it seemed that if Peter had turned any redder, his head would have exploded. But before it could do so, he took a deep breath, apparently to calm down, and then said softly, “It’s because of Remus that you asked, isn’t it? About the couples. It's bothering you.”

The atmosphere almost immediately changed from playful to serious. Tonks didn’t answer for some time – yes, she had asked because of Remus, but now that she thought about it, she was confused by her own feelings.

“I’m...not sure,” she said in the end. “It should, because it would mean losing him, wouldn’t it? But right now...I don’t feel like I have to worry about that. It’s like I know that if he comes back, everything’s going to be fine, no matter what happens there.”

Peter smiled at her words, and so did the others.

“Then that’s how it will be,” Lily said. “You sometimes get this kind of...certainty here. You just know things – actually, they put that knowledge into your mind, so you won’t worry about something that’s going to end well anyway.”

“They? Who do you mean?”

“She means the Guardians,” James explained. “They don’t only deliver souls to Purgatory. They also give them advice while they’re there, bring them back here when they’re ready, and they generally watch over everything that’s happening. You could call them some kind of guardian angels, actually.”

“They didn’t look much like angels to me,” Tonks said doubtfully.

“Their appearance changes according to the circumstances. If they bring someone back from Purgatory, they’re beautiful. You wouldn’t recognise them. I had a hard time believing that they were the same who’d brought me there.” Everyone looked at Sirius, who’d just come out of the house with a new shirt on. “I think it’s all a bit melodramatic, but who am I to complain about the mechanics of the afterlife?”

“An impossible wacko, that’s what you are,” James said, grinning again. “Which is why we’re leaving you now, before our sanity flees us completely. Besides, we wanted to meet with Dumbledore later in the afternoon.”

“Dumbledore is here as well?” Tonks wondered how many people she had once known she would find here.

“Oh yes. But it’s hard getting a hold of him. He’s always busy with some ‘important’ things – would you be surprised if I told you he got bored here after a while and somehow managed to get himself the position of some kind of divine messenger? Delivering messages from here to the world of the living, making appearances as a wise, otherworldly counsellor, that kind of stuff.” James got up and wrapped an arm around Lily, who had followed. “He ‘isn’t cut out for doing nothing’, that’s what he says, but in truth, he just misses meddling with people’s lives.”

“Oh, shut it, James!” Sirius’s tone was light, but there was also a hint of seriousness in it. “If that’s what he wants to do, let him. He deserves getting to do something he likes after going through that hell. Everyone does.”

“Wait, so he was in Purgatory too?”

“Yes.” Sirius sat down again and turned to Tonks. “With his sister, Ariana. They apparently had quite some issues between them. Now they’re very close, but they don’t talk much about what happened. They probably think it’s nobody else’s business, really.”

Tonks shook her head. She was feeling a bit overwhelmed and dizzy. “It’s all a bit much to digest at once,” she said. “Is there maybe someplace I can go – just to think everything over? And where am I going to live anyway?”

“You can come with me,” her father now said, who had taken a backseat so far. “My house isn’t that far away, and there’s space enough. If you like, you can stay until Remus comes back, but if not, you’ll be getting your own place as soon as you want.”

“Sounds good.” Tonks emptied her cup and then got up as well. “So, Peter, Sirius...thanks for explaining. I just hope...” She trailed off, then forced herself to go on. “I just hope everything will work out for Remus. I’d miss him terribly.”

There wasn’t much to say to that, and so, some moments later, James and Lily as well as Tonks and her father were on their way to their respective homes. Peter and Sirius looked after them for a while in silence.

“If he had to stay, that would just be so wrong,” Peter finally murmured. “Even I got out, and compared to him...it wouldn’t be fair. He doesn’t deserve that.”

“Don’t be such an idiot!” Sirius’s voice was soft despite his words. “It’s got nothing to do with what you deserve, or he doesn’t, you know that. There’s no comparison. There’s just the things he needs to work through so he can be happy.”

Peter sighed. “You’re right. But you know how it is, sometimes.”

“Yes, I know.” Sirius stood and pulled Peter with him. “Come, let’s go for a walk. You need some distraction.”

Peter smiled lightly, and he didn’t protest when Sirius led him away into the woods, his arm still wrapped around the smaller man’s shoulders.

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There had been times when he had thought it would never end, but now, finally, the voices in his mind that talked of help were slowly fading away. He could feel them become fainter and fainter, no more than a weak whisper, and with every passing moment, they seemed to become less important, and his knowledge of what they actually meant smaller. Soon, they would be gone completely, and then...

Then what?

All of a sudden there was a new feeling, much stronger than the previous indifference and hopelessness, making his innards clench and talking his breath away.

Fear.

When the voices were gone, there would be nothing but the cold and the pain from before. Did he really want that?

He couldn’t know for sure, but maybe this was real. Maybe this was a chance – the only one. There might be another in the future, but what if there wasn’t? What if he would have to stay like this forever if he didn’t seize the opportunity now? And if it wasn’t real – nothing that would come could be worse than this.

“Wait!” he called out in his mind after the fading thoughts, trying to grasp them, bring them back. Already he wasn’t even sure what they had said any more, and he felt close to panicking. What was he supposed to do?

“There will be help, but you must decide to accept it.” It was just a weak whisper, but he clung to it with all his strength.

“I do! I do, just don’t go! Tell me what to do!”

And then they were back, strong and commanding, and this time, he felt nothing but relieved.

“Go and find Lupin! Find Lupin, and you will receive help.”

“How will I recognise that person?”

“You will know when the time has come. Now go.”

He went.

It took him what seemed to be hours to stand up from the ground: the first painful squinting against too bright light; trying to move his frozen limbs even an inch; sitting up, stiff and dizzy; finally standing, and the first stumbling steps that made him fear he would keel over at any moment. But he would not give up. He would find Lupin; he would find help. Slowly, he walked away from where he had been lying, and all that was left was a crumbled photograph, forgotten in the dust.

.-.-.-.-.

He didn’t know how long he had been walking. Forcing his leaden legs to take step after step, he didn’t allow himself to think of anything but the fact that when he would finally find Lupin, all of this would come to an end. There were doubts, but he tried to ignore them. If he let them take control, he knew he wouldn’t make it; he would end up like he had been before he had started searching.

Along the way, he had paid careful attention to the people he had walked by – one of them had to be Lupin, and he couldn’t afford to accidentally miss him, or her. But so far, he hadn’t found what he was looking for.

There had been familiar faces, or at least they had seemed familiar, even though he couldn’t remember knowing them. Each time he had spotted one of them had raised his hope, and he had approached them, only to realise with certainty that they were not who he wanted them to be.

There had been a haggard, black-haired woman with a manic glint in her vacant eyes. She hadn’t seen him, since she had been fully absorbed in stroking a ghastly, black tattoo on the inside of her left arm. “Bellatrix,” a small voice had whispered inside his mind. He hadn’t cared much. She was not Lupin, and he had moved on.

Later, he had found a red-headed man, almost still a boy, who had been staring into a broken mirror, apparently fascinated with his own reflection. The boy had been mumbling something under his breath, and when he had leaned closer to listen, he had heard that it was a name, repeated over and over: “George.” The red-head’s own name, however, was Fred, and so he had left.

Right now, he was wondering how much longer he would have to walk, for even though tiredness and sleep didn’t exist here, it was still possible to feel utterly worn out, and he feared that soon, he would simply fall and be unable to get up again.

Then he saw him.

The man was lying in a doorway, curled up on himself much like he had been as well. His clothes were so torn that there were more holes than fabric, and he was shaking violently. Every now and then, one of his arms or legs would jerk and tense, or a fist would clench, but every time, he went limp again after a few moments.

The man who had been searching froze in his tracks. One glance at the shredded robes and grey-brown hair – which was all he could see, since the man’s face was hidden behind his arms – had been enough to let him know that his search was over. He still had no idea who this person actually was, but just as he had been told, he had recognised him immediately.

“Lupin!” he exclaimed hoarsely, stumbling over to the doorway. Just as he arrived, his legs gave in and he slumped into a sitting position next to the other man. “Lupin!” he called him again, but the man didn’t react.

Staring down at the pathetic-looking form, he wondered how there could be any help expected from it, but he brushed the thought aside. He had come this far, and he wouldn’t give up now.

“Lupin, come, look at me!” He reached out and gripped Lupin’s shoulder, shaking him to make him snap out of whatever daze he was in. The man groaned and curled up tighter, but didn’t react in any other way.

What was he to do now?

His hand still on Lupin’s shoulder, he could feel him tremble, and he remembered how it had been to feel nothing but coldness and anguish. During his feverish search, his mind solely concentrated on his task, he hadn’t felt the cold as badly, but now it slowly started creeping back into him.

He hesitated, watching the shivering man for some more moments; then he reached out with both hands and, gathering all the strength he had left, hoisted him up and wrapped his arms and voluminous robes around him. It earned him another groan, and Lupin instinctively arched closer, his face buried against the chest of the other man.

It had been the right decision. Lupin’s skin was icy at first, but it soon grew warmer, and the tremors that were shaking him got weaker. After a while, he was lying almost still, just shivering faintly every now and then, his fingers curled around the fabric of the black robes surrounding him.

And then, finally, he raised his head and looked at the man who had found him. Recognition seemed to flash in his eyes, and his worn face shone with something that could only be called relief.

“Severus!”