Snape Lives, Dammit! by december [Reviews - 14]
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“Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s with great pleasure that I welcome as our special guest today, everyone’s favorite Potions master, the Wizard We Love to Hate, the Big Bad Boy of the Magical world ----- Severus Snape!”
(The band plays “Harry Potter” theme music in an upbeat jazz version as Snape parts the curtain and strides on stage. He shakes hands with the interviewer, and sits down next to the desk while acknowledging the applause of the audience, which consists mostly of women over the age of 35.)
“Jay, always a pleasure.”
“Ditto, Severus. We’re happy to have you on the show. It’s been a long time since we last saw you.”
“I know, I know, but it’s been just crazy. The Double-Agent thing, my teaching schedule at Hogwarts, brewing potions, trying to keep up with the fanfic stories… “
“And not to mention, the Final Battle with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.”
(Snape laughs.) “I think it’s safe to mention him now. You mean Voldemort, of course. As a matter of fact, we appeared on Oprah together last week.”
“So there’re no hard feelings between you guys, then?”
“No, of course not. I understand now that he had no choice but to drop Nagini on my head. We were all just puppets in the hands of that Rowling woman. Not that we aren’t grateful to her for creating us and all that, but to be perfectly honest, Jay, a lot of us felt that she let us down in book seven.”
(Shouts and shrieks from the audience of “String her up!”, “Cruciate her!” “You’ll never die, Severus!” etc.)
“How have you been dealing with this? I mean, it must be pretty difficult.”
“I admit that I was personally devastated at the treatment I received.”
(Frenzied shouts of agreement from the audience. Much weeping and gnashing of teeth.)
“I can well imagine.”
“Dumbledore suggested that I try professional help. You would think, wouldn’t you, that from the way that doddering old bastard led me on, played me for a fool and took grievous advantage of me, that I would have learned my lesson, wouldn’t you? But, noooooooo. I let him set me up again even though I think it’s a load of codswallop myself. “
“So you tried some sessions, did you?”
“The Muggle witch doctor --- I believe they’re called psychobabblists --- promised that she would release what she referred to as my ‘innocent and trusting inner child’ and open me up to warm and giving relationships. She said she’d turn me into Alan Alda, whoever he is.
(Gasps of horror from the audience.)
“I told her that if she attempted to lay a hand on my inner child, I would have her arrest as a pedophile. For my part, I find ‘warm and giving relationships’ absolutely revolting. And I watched an Alan Alda movie. He’s a wimp.”
(Gasps of relief from the audience.)
“Are you still in touch with the rest of the characters, too?”
“Oh yes. We called a meeting and everyone agreed that Ms. Rowling must have been smoking some serious Wacky Weed when she wrote the Epilogue. The futures she dreamed up for us were utterly uninformed, unimaginative and not even close to our true desires. We decided to throw off our shackles and take charge of our own lives.”
“You can do that?”
“So if Ms. Rowling was wrong about the characters’ futures, what are they really doing?”
“Where to start? Let’s see. Ron Weasley joined Twisted Sister as their lead singer. It’s no surprise to me, of course, to hear that he’s been arrested for trashing hotel rooms and for inappropriate behavior with underage Veelas.”
“But I thought he married Hermione?”
(Snape gives a scornful snort.) “There was nothing but jealousy and resentment between them from the start. The Potter boy played them against one another like a set of upper and lower dentures. And Hermione’s Innocent-Miss pose was a complete act. She was well known for her predilection for --- how shall I say? --- interspecies hanky panky. You could hardly turn a corner without finding her shagging an elf or rutting with a herd of centaurs. You remember Hagrid’s brother, the giant, Grawp? Well, she and he…”
"I think we get the picture. But I heard there were rumors about her and Neville.”
“Ahh, yes. It’s a case of the Insufferable leading the Idiotic. Miss Granger married Mr. Longbottom and they have set up a non-profit organization to free the elves, protect the blast-ended skrewts and organize the giants or some such rubbish. They are attempting to fund it by selling a potion called Longbottom’s Herbal Happiness Hemorrhoid Suppositories. I dare say that even the boy’s more besotted fans would think twice before inserting anything brewed up by that fumbling cretin. The Granger female has proven disgustingly fertile, due no doubt to her peasant blood, and they have spawned a litter of mewling, puking, odiferous brats. One simply shudders for the future of Magic."
"What about your fellow professors?"
“Minerva has finally come out of the closet--- a great relief to those of us who had to suffer through her pathetic attempts to pass as a heterosexual. She and Sibyll have moved in together and opened a lesbian bar called ‘Soul Sisters’, or something equally banal. Minerva has taken to wearing tartan pants and breeding yappy little dogs. As always, she is utterly lacking in imagination.”
“You mentioned that you’d spent some time with the Dark Lord recently. So I can assume that you two have made up?”
“Obviously the Dark Lord and I had a complicated relationship. He can be very touchy at times --- and let me tell you, he can Cruiciate a guy right where it counts, if you know what I mean. But when you get to really know him, it turns out that Voldy is actually a sensitive and thoughtful person. You know, he does a lot of charity appearances for the People Without Noses Foundation.”
“What about your own plans, Severus?”
“Well, Jay, I have certain limitations, being dead and all. But over the years, I’ve had so many requests from my loyal fans to develop my own line of Potions that I’m seriously considering it. I’ve already started negotiations with a Muggle TV network, Q.E.D.
“I think you mean QVC?”
“Exactly. They’re offering me my own hour show during the pre-holiday sale season, and I’ve been working up some special formulas especially for my most loyal fans.”
(Huge sigh of adoration from the audience.)
“Anything you can share with us now?”
“Well, I’m predicting that my most popular Potion will be a cream that you merely massage into your skin to melt away the extra pounds. You can sculpt your own figure with one easy application. And I’m working on another which permanently lifts and firms while smoothing out wrinkles. We’ll be offering that in the 2-quart or gallon size with a handy pump dispenser.
(Hysterical shouts of approval from the audience.)
“And can we ask? Any special lady in your life right now, Severus?”
(Snape blushes slightly.) “Well, as you know I’m a very private person. I can tell you though that I’m involved in a very deep, consuming, sexually satisfying and emotionally fulfilling relationship with a woman who writes fan fiction for my Occlumency website.”
(Frenzied screams from the audience of “It’s me, it’s me!”, “No, he means me, you bitch!” and “Back off, he’s mine!” etc. etc.)
“And, finally, Severus, what about your relationship with Harry? What’s he doing now? Have you worked out your differences and come to a better understanding of one another?”
“That’s all the time we have, folks! Severus, please come back and see us anytime. Next week we’ll be talking to Lindsay Lohan, George Hamilton, Dr. Joyce Brothers and Dobby the House Elf. Please join us then!
(Music up and out.)
Snape Lives, Dammit! by december [Reviews - 14]