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Highly Improbable by Vocalion [Reviews - 28]

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Disclaimer:

Heed these words of my extolling:
Credit goes to J.K. Rowling.
She creates; I merely borrow.
Hence I’m poor, much to my sorrow.
My bank account is running low,
So back to Real Life I must go.
I’m very happy you stopped by.
Clancy thanks you, and so do I.
My gratitude I am extending,
Now I’ll give Snape his happy ending.






A Plea to Ms Rowling


Severus Snape is the Half-Blood Prince,
And Dumbledore is dead?
Ms Rowling, we adored Book Six,
But you left so much unsaid.

From “Spinner’s End” to “Flight of the Prince”,
You had our hearts a leaping.
Now we’ve quite a wait to speculate
What our grim one will be reaping.

Love looks not with the eyes at Snape,
But with the mind, it measures.
It’s not too late to vindicate
And indulge our guilty pleasures.

Oh, hear our cry! Please let him live!
Whether he be saint or sinner.
Until we know, we shall not sleep
Or tuck in to our dinner.

We like him flawed, just as he is.
Nay, perfection would not do!
But while Snape is cunning, we suspect
The real Slytherin is you!

You leave us clues to trust him,
You drop us hints to doubt.
Then you sit back and watch the fun
As we try to sort things out.

You invent the greatest character –
He will live throughout the ages.
That git of ambiguity
Who keeps us turning pages.

So, Ms Rowling, won’t you spare our Snape?
Oh, hearken to our plea!
To dream of the glory of his grease –
Lord, what fools we Muggles be.






HIGHLY IMPROBABLE


Chapter 38: I’ll String Along With You



*~~~*~~~*

For every little fault that you have,
Say, I've got three or four.
The human little faults you do have,
Just make me love you more.

You may not be an angel,
But still I'm sure you'll do.
So until the day that one comes along,
I'll string along with you.



*~~~*~~~*


While Clancy was in the bathroom becoming better acquainted with the flamingo, Snape went next door to retrieve her luggage from Room Number Five. The possibility that the Order had set him up by using Clancy as a lure, still nagged at him. He decided purely as a precautionary measure to rifle through her bags to make certain of Clancy’s true intentions.

His search yielded nothing out of the ordinary, until he spied a letter. Snape unfolded it and began to read.


By the time you receive this,
you may have already achieved your goal,
but if not, keep pursuing your dark FIG.
Track him down and do not rest
until you’ve met your match.
Now that I have discovered your secret,
there is all the more reason to believe
that you will be successful in your quest.

R.A.B.


“Merlin’s migraines! What’s she up to now? How could she possibly…we’ll soon see about this!”

Gathering her belongings, Snape returned to Number Seven to confront Clancy with the letter. He barged into the bathroom and found her petting the flamingo.

“You know, Severus, he’s very sweet. If we can get him to cooperate, we could hang him by the heels and use him for a croquet mallet.”

“I’ll be sure to look into it. But in the meantime, suppose you explain THIS!” As Snape thrust the letter into her hand, the flamingo regarded him carefully and ruffled its feathers.

“You’ve been going through my things!”

“My instincts were on the mark – the Order has brainwashed you!”

“Stop raving like a lunatic and tell me what’s wrong.”

“I’m FIG, aren’t I? You may as well admit it! I’ll hex you into a piano bench if you dare lie to me!”

“If that’s your idea of a good time.” Clancy walked calmly out of the bathroom leaving him enraged. Snape followed her into the room; the flamingo followed Snape.

“Are you going to explain that note or aren’t you?” he demanded.

“You’ve already read it – what is there to explain?”

“Am I FIG or aren’t I?”

“Yes, you’re FIG.”

“Freakish Ignominious Git? Am I warm?”

“You’re insane.”

Crossing over to her luggage, Clancy placed the medium sized suitcase on a folding stand and opened it. After slipping on a chemise, she retrieved the Summoning Bell and a can of Diet Dr. Pepper and placed them on the bed table next to the fez.

“I may as well settle in,” she told Snape.

“What do you know of R.A.B.?”

“‘Bar’ spelled backward, an anagram for ‘bra’, one-half of the word ‘rabbit’ – ”

“That will do.”

“Suppose you cut to the chase and tell me what’s bothering you.” Clancy tossed the letter on the bed.

“I demand that you tell me about R.A.B.!” Snape shouted. Grabbing the letter in his fist, he shook it in front of her face.

“Oh, that? It stands for ‘Rhonda -- Amy -- Brad’. Before they had their daughter, it stood for ‘Rhonda and Brad’. She’s always signed her letters that way. In fact, her maiden name was Rhonda Anne Binkerton. Next question?”

“What is the secret she discovered?”

“Remus said it would be all right to tell her about Hogwarts and the Wizarding world, and he allowed her to watch while we – ”

“While you WHAT?”

“While we used a Portkey, Severus. Now, calm down.”

“How does it happen to be written on parchment?”

“It isn’t parchment – it’s high quality vellum one can find in any upscale Muggle stationery store.” Clancy added, “Are you feeling like a fool yet?”

Snape began to lose his thunder. “What does FIG mean?” he muttered half to himself.

“If you must know, it stands for ‘Fabulous Imaginary Guy’. But at the moment, it hardly applies.”

The flamingo chose that precise moment to release a moist mound of guano directly behind Snape. Turning, Snape managed effortlessly to step in it. Aiming Aunt Hilly’s wand at the offensive mess, he bellowed, “Evanseco!” Instantaneously, the guano vanished, along with his boots, socks, underwear, and trousers.

Clancy relaxed on the bed enjoying the free entertainment. After Snape coaxed the flamingo back into the tub, he came out of the bathroom and crawled in beside her.

“Does your flamingo have a name?” she asked.

“No. Would you care to suggest one? And preferably, nothing as idiotic as El Panpipe.”

“How about Pangstone?”

“Pangstone? I rather like that,” Snape said. “At last you’ve invented something clever and sophisticated.”

Clancy smiled. “I’m so glad you approve.” She reached over to pop the tab on her can of Dr. Pepper. “It’s an anagram for ‘pants gone’.”

“I’ll have you know that I haven’t lost a pair of trousers in three years! Then the moment you return – off they come!”

“I wouldn’t want it any other way. Now, suppose you let me take you back to Hogwarts before you make any more trouble for yourself, hmm?”

“The room is paid for two more nights. The start-of-term feast isn’t until day after tomorrow.” Snape ran his hand along Clancy’s thigh.

“I see no point in remaining. Your lack of enthusiasm to embrace the inevitable has dampened my mood.” Clancy continued downing her Dr. Pepper.

Snape glanced at her hand. “You’re still wearing my ring.”

“It seems to be permanently stuck to my finger. I have little choice.”

Neither do I, Snape realized. “Since it was the headmaster’s wish that we wed, then I suppose I might consider – ”

“Oh, please -- don’t do me any favors.”

“Did Lupin ever mention to you that I taught Defense Against the Dark Arts before…before I had to leave?”

“I believe he did. Why?”

“Well,” Snape began, as he took the beverage from her and placed it on the bed table, “the Dark Arts share much in common with the sexual arts.”

Pathetic, Severus. Your Slytherin tactics won’t work tonight. “How fascinating. Do tell me more.”

“The sexual arts,” Snape said with great authority, “are many, varied, ever-changing, and eternal.” He attempted to slide the strap of her chemise off her shoulder, but she replaced it. “Fighting them is like fighting a many-headed monster, which, each time a neck is severed, sprouts a head even fiercer and cleverer than before.” Snape whipped his arm around Clancy’s waist and pulled her near, as he slinked his other arm around her neck.

Clancy yawned.

“You are fighting that which is unfixed, mutating, and indestructible.”

Clancy sniffed the air.

“You detect an unpleasant odor?” Snape asked.

“Yes. I smell a load of crap.”

Undaunted, he continued, “Your defenses must therefore be as flexible and inventive as the arts you seek to undo.”

Snape moved in for a kiss, but she gave him cheek.

“I thought you said something about dinner earlier. I’m famished.”

“I understand Kilty Pleasures serves excellent Neeps and Tatties.”

“No,” Clancy decided, “My palate leans toward…Icelandic cod this evening.”

Realizing it was time to change tactics, Snape ventured, “Would you care to learn more about the principles of Apparition?”

Sounds like a safe topic. “Why not? Enlighten me.”

“First,” he purred, “one must master the three D’s.”

“The three D’s?”

“Yes, Miss Norgard, the three D’s: Destination.” Snape began to massage her hip. “Determination.” He increased the pressure. “Deliberation.” He brushed lazy circles along her spine with his fingernails.

“An engrossing theory, Professor. However, at present, your mastery of the three D’s is trumped by a fourth – my disinclination.”

Snape withdrew his attentions. “I find the room rather chilly. I believe I’ll put on socks.” Rising from the bed, Snape searched through his trunk for the argyle socks Clancy had given him as a Christmas gift. Seeing me wear these will win her over. He put them on his feet and removed his shirt before returning to the bed.

“If you’re so chilly,” Clancy wondered, “why take off your shirt?”

“I refer you back to the second principle.” Snape’s feet protruded from the bedcovers. Wiggling his toes, he asked, “Have you nothing to say about my socks?”

Plenty. I can think of no greater impediment to a woman’s arousal than a man wearing socks to bed. “You’ve taken excellent care of them.”

Reaching over to her bed table, Clancy donned the fez.

“Why are putting that on?”

“It seems to fit the occasion.”

“You’re being difficult.” Snape rose again to retrieve a book. “Do you recognize this?” he asked, bringing it back to the bed with him.

“Yes, I remember. ‘Witticisms I Learnt at a Muggle’s Knee (and Other Joints)’ – the book I gave you that you were so eager to read. Don’t tell me you’ve finally condescended to peruse it.”

“I’ve done more than that. It’s been my constant companion while I’ve been in hiding. In fact, I’ll prove it to you: ‘Brevity is the soul of – ’”

“What you lack when you’re determined to have your own way?”

“You didn’t allow me to finish, my Pineapple Princess.” Snape laid the book aside and began doggedly to work the straps of her chemise off her shoulders. While Clancy made a feeble attempt to stop him, he began to worm his way underneath her garment from below. “As I was saying,” he murmured as his hand continued its mission, “'Brevity is the soul of…lingerie'.”

“Severus,” Clancy gasped, weakening as his mouth met her earlobe. “Do that special little thing you always used to do with your tongue.”

“I will…as soon as you…”

“Yes…anything…anything…”

“Get that…blasted fez tassel out of my eye.”

The night progressed favorably, and by morning, on the green overlooking Hogwarts Lake, the first shimmers of magical architectural transformation began, as the Cottage of Contentment formed.

Hagrid, on his way to the castle, paused when he saw it. “Don’ believe it!” he said. “She’s found him!”


*~~~*~~~*


As the students filed into the Great Hall for the feast, Snape and Clancy sat at McGonagall’s right. As she rose to address the students, Snape muttered, “You might have told me that she decided to appoint Lupin Deputy Headmaster. Look at him, sitting there like a prideful Gryffindor.”

“Now, Severus. You know the job wouldn’t suit you. Remus has a much better rapport with children than you do. Filius didn’t want the position. I think Minerva made an excellent choice.”

“Wearing his Order of Merlin – flaunting it in my face!”

“You’ll be receiving one too. Be patient. The Ministry needs time to arrange the ceremony.” Clancy glanced down at her ring. “Which reminds me…there’s another ceremony coming up that we should start planning.”

“Shh!” Professor McGonagall said, regarding them sternly. “We’re about to sing the new school song.”

Waving her wand, McGonagall released magical golden ribbons to float above the House tables, as Professor Flitwick led them off.

“When no more words are left to speak,
But Nitwit! Oddment! Blubber! Tweak!
Remember one who slumbers here,
And raise your glass of butterbeer.

There will always be a Hogwarts,
Long may its halls inspire!
And remember, the sun never sets
On our Wizarding empire.

To Harry Potter – The Chosen One,
For his courage and great notions,
And to Severus Snape, who saved his neck –
The Half-Blood Prince of Potions.

To the Order of the Phoenix,
That fine and plucky corps,
Let’s sing again, and louder still,
The refrain we sang before.

There will always be a Hogwarts,
Long may its halls inspire!
And remember, the sun never sets
On our Wizarding empire.

Let’s all stand proud and pledge our oath,
For at last, our world is free.
Be us pure, or half, or Muggle-born
We will live in harmony.

The Sorting Hat is never wrong,
It knows just where our place is.
Be us badger, eagle, lion, or snake,
We sing out with smiling faces.

There will always be a Hogwarts,
Long may its halls inspire!
And remember, the sun never sets
On our Wizarding empire.

As we begin another year,
Keep us free of condescension.
We’re more than just the House we’re in,
It’s a matter of intention.

Now heartily we feast and cheer,
As we honor him once more,
The greatest wizard of our time –
Raise your glass to Dumbledore!”


When the song ended, the room echoed with voices chanting, “To Dumbledore!” as the evening’s fare materialized on the tables.

Glancing over at the Hufflepuffs, Clancy nodded as she spotted Eloise Midgen grinning at her. “I think this is going to be a very good year,” she told Snape.

Just then, terrified squeals erupted near the back of the hall. A corpulent gray rat with a silver front foot scurried down the length of the Gryffindor table with El Panpipe in hot pursuit. “Wasn’t that –” Ginny Weasley began as they darted by, upsetting the meat platter.

“Pardon me, lassie,” the Jarvey panted as he ran past. “I’m about to catch up with my dinner!”

Staff and students looked on as El Panpipe slurped the last of the loathsome rodent’s bald tail down his gullet.

“Quite so,” Snape agreed, as he speared a potato, “I believe this will be a very good year indeed.”

Dinner concluded, McGonagall dismissed the students to return to their common rooms.

“Shall we walk down to the lake, Severus, and take a peep at our new digs?” Clancy asked.

“Very well. After I address my Slytherins, I’ll join you in the entry hall.”

A short time later, Snape and Clancy strolled along the lakeshore. Arriving at their cottage, they saw Hagrid waving to them from across the green. Pangstone the flamingo roosted in a pen nearby that the half-giant had created especially for his new pet.

“What’s that monstrosity?” Snape asked, spying a rustic carved shape affixed to their door.

“Made it fer yeh, myself!” Hagrid called out. “To thank yeh fer givin’ me the bird!”

“Thank you, Hagrid!” Clancy said, waving back to him. She looked closely at the twisted object. “I think it’s supposed to be a doorknocker. It’s rather primitive, but I believe it’s a serpent intertwined in a treble clef.”

They investigated all sides of the cottage, inspecting it from every angle. “Look up at the chimney pot!” she said. “It’s shaped like a pineapple!”

“Dumbledore thought of everything, didn’t he? We’ll call this Snape Cottage,” he decided.

Clancy presented Snape with the key, and they entered to explore the interior. They found a sitting room with a dining area, and a separate kitchen and pantry. A passage led to the study and the bedroom. A door from the bedroom opened to a private terrace overlooking the lake.

“Where does this lead?” Clancy wondered, as she spied a colorful door at the end of the hallway. Across the front, a fancifully painted Jarvey cavorted about in a wee kilt and tam o’shanter. The color of the creature’s garb kept shifting between pink and pastel blue.

“Severus! I think it’s a nursery! The colors are changing because we don’t know yet if we’ll have a boy or a girl! Let’s go in and see.”

Snape rattled the door, but it wouldn’t budge. “Lean against it with me, and when I count to three, help me push.”

On the count of three, the door gave way, and they somersaulted into the garden straight into a mud puddle.

“Well, here’s mud in your eye!” Clancy laughed, pantomiming a toast.

One word led to another, and before long, they began to tussle.

Hagrid, observing them from a distance, scratched his head. “‘Don’ understand them two. Firs’ night they’re together in their new home, and all they want to do is play in a mire?”

“To the shower?” Snape proposed.

“To the shower,” Clancy seconded.

“Why do you suppose the room wasn’t there?” she asked a short while later as they scrubbed away.

“Obviously, because it’s not needed yet.” And won’t be for some time – if ever. “This cottage, from what I understand, is similar in nature to the Room of Requirement. It only appears when a Hogwarts staff member intends to wed. It hasn’t materialized in decades.”

“Well, I hope the nursery will be coming along soon. Albus wrote in his letter that we should name the baby Salacia – I’m almost certain we’ll be having a girl.”

“Tomorrow is sure to be a grueling day. I suggest we return to the castle.”

“But the house-elves already brought our luggage here. Can’t we stay? Please?”

“All right, but I’ll require a good night’s sleep before I can face a fresh crop of dunderheads in the morning.”

“Yes, Severus. Just as you say.”

Before they retired, Clancy opened the bedroom window to admire the view. Snape immediately crossed over to close it.

“Why did you do that?” she asked, once they were in bed.

“I’ve been having recurring nightmares. I dream frequently that a dementor is pursuing me. It flies in through a window to suck out my soul. If I leave a window open, the room chills, and if a breeze stirs, it seems to trigger the dream.”

“It’s your conscience punishing you for past crimes. That’s what Rhonda would say, anyway. You’re innocent, Severus. You shouldn’t be having those dreams anymore, unless…” Clancy looked at Snape doubtfully for a moment, then berated herself for allowing such a thought to creep into her mind. “Goodnight…sweet Prince,” she teased.

As Snape drifted off, Clancy lay awake fantasizing about what their future held in store. The room felt a bit stuffy, so she rose to open the window. She glanced over at him as he slept, illuminated by the moonlight filtering into the room.

He’ll never know the difference. He won’t have those dreams now that he’s back at Hogwarts.

Returning to bed, Clancy fell into a deep, comforting sleep. Outside, the garden shimmered as the rudimentary framework for the nursery began to take shape.

Suddenly, the room grew cold. Snape moaned and thrashed his head from side to side. Ice formed on the window glass as a dark, hooded figure entered and glided toward the bed. Hovering over Snape, it rattled its breath, extending long, scabby fingers covered in slime. Removing its hood, it lowered itself and clamped its jaws over Snape’s mouth. It made a harsh sucking sound, and then flew into the night, leaving Snape’s body an empty, lifeless shell.


*~~~*~~~*


Epilogue: 2015 – This I Swear is True


I’m sure that I could never hide
The thrill I get when you’re by my side.
And when we’re older, we’ll proudly declare,
“Wasn’t ours a lovely love affair?



*~~~*~~~*


“Severus! Severus!” Clancy called as she shook Snape by the shoulders. "Wake up! You’re having that nightmare again!”

“NOOOO!” Snape shrieked, awakening with a start. As he caught his breath, Clancy brushed his hair away from his face.

“It’s time to stop punishing yourself, darling. You must stop dwelling on the past. You’re safe. You’re not being kissed by a dementor,” she assured him soothingly, planting a light kiss on his brow.

Snape sat up and took a long, critical look at Clancy. “If you don’t do something about those chin hairs soon, you’ll find it difficult to convince me of that.”

“Excuse me? I suggest you take a peep at yourself in the mirror. That stripe of white hair you’re sporting down the back makes you look like a bad-tempered skunk. Besides, the chin hairs are your fault – not mine. I know you’ve been slipping Longevity Potion into my pumpkin juice. The rat spleens are responsible.”

“What if I am? Muggles don’t live as long as wizards. I’m merely ensuring that you’ll be around for another seventy to a hundred years to annoy me. But you’re mistaken,” he corrected her, “I wasn’t dreaming of dementors. This nightmare was much worse.”

“What could be worse than being kissed by a dementor?”

“I was reliving the time I lost a wager with you and had to change Salacia’s nappy the Muggle way.”

“And even after all these years, you’re still foolish enough to make bets with me.”

“And I’m still losing my trousers at an alarming rate, as well. Seven pairs this year and it’s only July.”

“Let’s see if we can make it an even dozen by Christmas, shall we?” Clancy climbed out of bed and went into the bathroom to turn on the shower. “Oh, Severus?” she called from the doorway.

“Hmm?”

“We’re running low on chocolate sauce and whipped cream again. Will you remind the house-elves to come down to the cottage and refill the dispensers?”

In lieu of replying, Snape smiled wickedly and joined Clancy in the shower to see for himself.


*~~~*~~~*


“What’s on the docket for this evening?” Snape asked as he held the cottage gate open for Clancy to pass through. He made certain to swing it shut roughly so it would strike her derrière.

“Ouch!” She turned to throw a fist at him, but he grabbed her wrist and pulled her into his arms for a kiss.

“Why, Professor! No wonder we have to keep a close eye on Salacia. We’re setting a poor example.”

“There’s a difference between what we’re doing and what she’s been up to with Potter.” Snape paused to gaze across the green toward Hagrid’s pumpkin patch. “I wouldn’t be at all surprised if they’ve been gamboling among the gourds again while we’ve been in Hogsmeade.”

“Well, as long as they’re only leaping together and not sleeping together, I don’t think we need worry.”

“Bah! Jest if you like,” he said as they entered the cottage, “but the fact remains: Salacia is only sixteen. She’ll be a sixth year come September. Potter will be a fifth year. Why does she have to muck about with Potter’s son, of all people?”

“Now, Severus. Jimmy’s a very nice boy. You know you wouldn’t approve of anyone dating your precious Potions prodigy. Would you prefer she go out with Teddy Lupin?”

“No, I don’t suppose I would. There’s something peculiar about that boy. He never looks the same way twice. I believe he takes after his mother.”

As Clancy took their purchases into the kitchen, Snape parted the front curtains. “Shades of Snapini! Clancy – come over here!” He gawked as two figures resembling Clancy and himself, paused to look toward the cottage.

“What is it?” she asked, rushing to the window.

“Look! Look at the two people standing in front of Hagrid’s house.”

“Why…they look just like…us!”

“They don’t look like us – they are us. Do you remember my telling you many years ago about a conversation I had with Dumbledore?”

“Severus! You mean they’re us – the way we were when we Time Traveled through that hedge?

“Yes. Evidently this was the day.”

“Look how young and cute we were together – and so very much in love.”

“I was merely young; I was never ‘cute’. And it doesn’t appear as though we were in love. To the contrary – observe how my younger self is dragging your younger self toward the forest.”

“Ah, but who’s to say what transpired once we entered the forest? You were very much in love with me – you just didn’t know it yet.”

“There we go,” Snape said as they watched the quarrelsome couple disappear into the shadows.

“Yes,” Clancy sighed. “And how adorable your skinny white legs looked in that kilt.” She cupped Snape’s face with her hands and rubbed her nose against his. “Which reminds me – this is Wednesday. It’s…Tartan Night.” She smiled lasciviously at him before returning to the kitchen.

Snape followed. “But I thought you made plans for us for the evening.”

“Yes, that’s right. The Lupins and Potters are dropping in after the concert – but there’s always later.”

“Again? We entertained them only last week.”

“I know – but tonight’s a special occasion. Eloise and Gideon Crumb are opening the show with their new family band – Gideon and His Five Piping Crumbs of Rhythm, followed by the premiere performance of ‘Fanfare for the Common Mandrake’.”

“It’s amazing how the years have flown,” Snape remarked. “When we were first married, Hogsmeade was nothing more than a quiet Wizarding village. Now it has its own concert venue and even Dr. Pepper vending machines.”

“Yes, and I’ll never forget when you and Harry cut the ribbon together for the dedication ceremony of Albus Hall. Remember – Ginny was expecting their first?”

Snape sniffed disdainfully. “The source of our daughter’s current state of emotional imbalance -- James Stan Potter. Imagine anyone selecting Stan as a middle name – merely because she went into early labor and the brat was delivered by Shunpike on the Knight Bus.”

“Now, Severus,” Clancy reminded him, “any wizard with a daughter by the name of Salacia Sach Snape, has no right to criticize other parents’ taste in nomenclature.”

“That was more of yours and Dumbledore’s interference. I hold him responsible for ‘Salacia’, but I blame you entirely for ‘Sach’: Severus Albus Clancy Hillary. Absurd!”

“She’s never seemed to mind. Now, shoo – out of the kitchen so I can prepare for tonight. Go in the study and read. I need you out of my hair for a little while.”

Snape left, but returned a few minutes later with a book. He slammed it down on the kitchen table. “Clancy! You’ve been Time Traveling again!”

“Well, what if I have? Sometimes when you spend long hours in your lab, I run out of things to do. Besides, now that the Ministry has authorized conditional Time Travel, I can’t see any harm in it. As long as I return to a year before I was born and don’t reveal to anyone that I’ve come from the future, I’m not breaking any laws.”

“Yes, but you know the Ministry frowns on altering history. We could be fined a thousand Galleons for what you’ve done!”

“What have I done? I’ve been attending Broadway shows and lunching at the Algonquin once or twice a week – is there any harm in that?”

“See what I found in this book of quotations that you gave me!” Snape opened the book and pointed to the page. “Read what it says under Alexander Woollcott!”

“You know, I tried reading under Aleck only last week – but it proved too much of a strain, and the lighting was very poor.”

“CLANCY!”

“I’m only joking, Severus. Aleck and I don’t have that type of relationship. Suppose you read it to me. I don’t have my glasses handy.”

“Very well,” Snape said, shooting Clancy a dark look. “Listen to this: ‘All the things I really like to do are illegal, immoral, or involve pineapples’!”

She looked up innocently at Snape. “What gave me away?”

“Now,” Snape continued, “someone from the Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes will have to undo your damage and perform a Global Disillusionment Charm!”

“Is it my fault you’ve grown dull? After all these years of marriage, well…a woman has to fantasize. Why should I be denied activities that bring me pleasure?”

“I’ve become…dull?” Snape asked, as if he’d never before considered the possibility.

“It happens in most marriages,” she said philosophically.

The front door opened, and then slammed with a loud bang, as Salacia came running in, looking as though she were about to burst with excitement.

“Mum! Dad! You’ll never guess who I just saw!”

“Us,” Snape said. “We saw ourselves through the window.”

Salacia studied her parents closely, and then looked all about the room. “Mum – the note I slipped into your pocket – did Uncle Albus receive it? Did it change anything in the past?” Then she remembered Hagrid’s words. “No, wait – the Memory Charm. You have no memory of visiting here, do you?”

“No,” Clancy admitted, “none at all.”

“I learned of it two years later when Dumbledore showed me your note,” Snape explained. Moving toward his daughter, he added, “But to answer your question, it gave me hope, Salacia, that I might survive.” Snape stroked his daughter’s hair, and plucked a fragment of a dried leaf from her plait. “I knew it! You’ve been with Potter in the pumpkins again! To your room, this instant! And you’ll stay there for the remainder of the afternoon and evening!”

“Yes, Father.” Salacia inclined her head obediently and retreated down the passage.

Snape turned to Clancy. “The child must learn not to overplay her repentance.”

“She’ll be out her bedroom window and on her way back to see Jimmy before you can say Beltus Chastinium, Clancy predicted. “She’s your little Slytherin.”

Exchanging a look of hopelessness, they both heaved sighs of resignation.


*~~~*~~~*


After the concert, as the Snapes entertained the Lupins and Potters, the subject of anniversaries came up. Snape sat in an armchair near the fire, isolated from the rest of the group seated at the dining table.

“How are the two of you planning to celebrate your seventeenth wedding anniversary, Clancy?” Ginny asked.

“You know, I haven’t given it any thought. It falls the first weekend after start-of-term. There’s never time for us to travel anywhere special. I’m surprised you remembered, Ginny.”

“Women always remember important dates.” Glaring at Harry, Ginny added, “Husbands seldom do.”

“Oh, Severus never forgets our anniversary,” Clancy said. “He never does anything about it – but he never forgets.”

Snape folded his arms and began gnashing his teeth.

“I still recall our fifth wedding anniversary when you and Harry gave us that old Potions book of his as a gift. Remember what the addendum they added to the original inscription said, Severus?” Clancy called over to him.

“I believe I’ll have a butterbeer.” Snape disappeared into the kitchen with Harry and Lupin at his heels.

“I remember,” Tonks chimed in, raising her glass. “It said, ‘This book is the property of the Half-Blood Prince -- and his Pineapple Princess’.”

The women began to laugh, but their mirth was drowned out by shouting erupting from the kitchen.

“DON’T CALL ME A COWARD!” Snape raged, as they returned with their drinks.

“Of course you’re a coward,” Lupin said. “After nearly seventeen years of marriage, isn’t it time you told Clancy the truth about the pineapple pin?”

“What the devil are you getting at?” Snape demanded.

“You mean you honestly don’t know?”

“Remus…please,” Tonks scolded. “He drank too much wine at dinner,” she explained to them. “You must forgive him.”

“Nothing of the sort!” Lupin denied vehemently between hiccups. “It’s time the truth came out!”

“Remus, if you don’t shut it, I swear I’ll transform into Umbridge later tonight at the precise moment you’re sure to enjoy it the least.” Tonks turned to Clancy. “I think it’s time we were leaving.”

“Us too,” Ginny agreed. “Come on, Harry.”

“No, wait,” Clancy insisted. “I’m curious to know what Remus has to say.”

“Say it, Lupin.” Snape withdrew his wand. “What do I stand accused of now?”

“Very well, I shall. Do you know what the ‘From S to L’ on the back of your pin stands for, Clancy?”

“Of course I do. It stands for –”

“Clancy!” Snape said. “That’s personal!”

“Well,” Lupin revealed, “It really stands for ‘From Slughorn to Lily’.”

“WHAT?” everyone cried in unison.

“That’s right.” Lupin began teetering toward the door. Tonks gathered her evening cloak and followed behind. “Lily showed it to me right after Slughorn gave it to her. She was the favorite in his Slug Club, you know. She told me she’d just shown it to James and he’d hated the sight of the ruddy thing, so Lily said she’d decided to pawn it in Diagon Alley.”

All eyes turned to Snape.

“I swear – I didn’t know.”

“Severus…you gave me a pre-owned pineapple pin?” Clancy whimpered. “You told me you had it inscribed just for me.” Her lip began to quiver.

“I never said that. I merely said that it had an inscription on the back. I never said I was the one who requested to have it put there.”

Clancy removed the pin from her evening jacket and handed it to Harry. “This was your mother’s. I want you to have it.” Glaring at Snape, she added, “I never want to see it again.”

“Can we please discuss this later when we’re,” Snape looked about the room at his unwelcome guests, “alone?”

The Lupins and Potters took the hint and made their goodbyes. As soon as they were gone, Clancy ran into the bedroom and locked the door. Snape simply used the Alohomora Spell and followed.

“As soon as you’ve come to your senses, we can discuss this.”

“You cheapskate! I’ve never been so embarrassed! To think…all the years I’ve treasured that hideous pin!”

“You mean you’ve never liked it?”

“No. It’s garish and ugly. I only wore it because it symbolized our love for each other – at least I thought it did.”

“Clancy – believe me. I didn’t know it belonged to Lily. I bought it because pineapples remind me of you. When I saw the inscription on the back, I thought it was fate. Please believe me – I swear that it’s true.”

Rummaging through Snape’s bureau drawers, she pulled out one of his flannel nightshirts and threw it at him. “Here,” she sniffled. “You’ll need this. It’s cold in the dungeons.”

“You’re not going to throw me out! A wizard’s home is his castle!”

“Take a hike up the hill – you’ll find another.” She pushed past him into the bathroom and slammed the door.

Unreasonable as always, Snape concluded. I’ll give her one last chance to apologize to me. Through the door, he murmured, “Salve, mea exoticum malum regina.” He waited for a response, but received none. “Clancy…that’s Latin.”

“I recognize it. Here’s some for you: Et-gay ost-lay, ou-yay ig-bay uck-clay!”

“That does it!” Snape kicked the door violently and strode out of the room.

After a long cry, Clancy peeped out of the bathroom to ensure that Snape had gone.
“Just like him to leave when I’m in such a state! The fat’s in the fire now!”

Grabbing her dressing gown, she returned to the bathroom to soak in the tub. Afterward, she stood in front of the mirror, plucking furiously at her chin hairs. Emerging a half hour later, she found Snape, clad in his tartan finery, lounging atop the bed.

Clancy suppressed a smile. “I see you’ve returned.”

“It’s Tartan Night,” he reminded her.

“So it is.”

Snape began twiddling his sporran.

“I believe that’s my job.” Clancy joined him on the bed. “Severus?”

“Hmm?”

“Tell me again – was there ever anything between you and Lily?”

“For the last time – we were merely friends.”

“Yes, but did you want it to be more?”

“Does it really matter after all these years?”

“I suppose not.” Clancy moved in closer to him. “And you really didn’t know the pin had once belonged to her?”

“I assure you, I did not. In fact, I’ll replace the pineapple pin with another. I’ll fashion one for you myself and bewitch it to…to…I don’t know – to do anything you’d like.”

Clancy took charge of the sporran twiddling. “A plain non-magical pineapple pin will suffice – as long as you create it especially for me.”

“Then I’m forgiven?”

“As long as you promise to never take me for granted. Did you see the way Tonks looked at Remus tonight? The thrill is gone from their marriage. I can tell. I don’t want that to happen to us.”

“It never will.”

“And it’s started with Ginny and Harry too. Did you notice? They barely said a word to each other the entire evening.”

“No, I didn’t notice.”

“It was as plain as the nose on…well, to a woman, it was obvious.”

“If I promise to be more attentive,” Snape proposed, “will you promise to limit your Time Traveling and keep away from that infernal Algonquin establishment – especially that Woollcott person?”

“I promise,” she agreed. “Suppose we make a mutual pledge?”

“What did you have in mind?”

“Oh, I don’t know -- how about an Unbreakable Vow?”

Snape blanched. “No, thank you. I believe I’ve had enough of those to last a lifetime.”

Leaning toward her tentatively, Snape gave her a brief kiss. Clancy removed his boots. More twiddling and kissing ensued until, at last, Snape was sans tartan and Clancy was salivating for a course of Neeps and Tatties.

Snape was in a mood for reminiscing. “What were the lyrics to that idiotic Muggle song you were croaking so abominably the first time I ever saw you?” he asked as they became cozy under the covers.

“That was not an idiotic Muggle song! Showboat is one of the greatest musicals ever written!”

“Then tell me, what was it you were singing about all those years ago when I mistook your pathetic voice for a Fwooper bird?”

“You are love,” Clancy said softly as Snape held her in his arms. “Wonder of all the world. Where you go with me, heaven will always be.”

He kissed her once more, and then asked uncertainly, “And…has it been?”

“Has it been what?”

“All these years you’ve spent with me – have they…been heaven?” He regarded her searchingly, desperate for the reassurance that only she could give him.

Clancy smiled, and nuzzled him playfully on the tip of his nose. “Well, Severus…every woman’s idea of heaven is a little bit different.”


*~ THE END ~*



AUTHOR’S NOTES:

I’ll String Along With You
~ By Harry Warren and Al Dubin

Our Love Affair
By Roger Edens and Arthur Freed

The dialogue for Snape’s sexual arts lecture was quoted directly from his Dark Arts speech in HBP/9.

“Brevity is the soul of lingerie.”
~ Dorothy Parker

“All the things I really like to do are illegal, immoral, or fattening,” is the actual Alexander Woollcott quotation.

I took a small liberty with canon to have the school song precede dinner. It’s much easier to sing on an empty stomach.

Two New Illustrations

Overtures to a Ferocious Kiss by Sigune

Hogwarts faculty gathered for the occasion of Salacia Snape’s third birthday by Perselus

To view this in a larger format, you can find it here: http://www.deviantart.com/view/23911729/

Thank you, Sigune and Perselus! When you visit the Illusions Gallery, please remember to leave the artists a review!

Beta read with loving care by LariLee.

Special thanks to…well, everyone. If I mentioned all of you by name, I might leave someone out by mistake, and then I’d feel dreadful. To everyone who has read and reviewed, and to Sycophant Hex for hosting my story, you have my sincere appreciation. And to my Inner Circle, especially, I owe you all so much.

Highly Improbable took a year and two months out of my life, but I wouldn’t trade a moment of the fun I've had writing it. And once Book Seven is released and this story is well buried in the archives, I hope you’ll revisit it one day. Then, you can look back fondly with a smile and say, “Boy, did Vocalion blow it!”

Thanks again, everyone!

~ Vocalion
October 2005




Highly Improbable by Vocalion [Reviews - 28]

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