Perfect and Untouchable
Disclaimer: Nothing from the Potterverse belongs to me; it all belongs to JKR and those she has contracts with.
Warning: Very minor HBP spoiler - something that was known even before the release of the sixth book; mention of slash – no description!
I don’t know how long I’ve planned on writing this little piece to Hoobastank’s “Remember Me” (album: Hoobastank, 2001), but finally, here it is:
I stand here face to face
With someone that I used to know
He used to look at me and laugh
But now he claims
That he’s known me for so very long
But I remember being no one
I wanted to be just like you
So perfect, so untouchable
Now you want me to be with you
Someone who used to have it all
Finally, it is all over. The war has ended; the Dark Lord is gone. And with him, most of the Death Eaters.
Most of my friends.
Yes, I have seen them as friends. They may have been cruel, hungry for power and blood, and, above all, been loyal to a madman who promised them to form the wizarding world to their likings after his success; but still, they were human. Not only were they faithful to our master – they were also faithful to their brothers and sisters.
And I was among these.
They trusted me, and I gave nothing in return. I betrayed those who were the only ones truly accepting of me, truly understanding of me. I have brought death to them all.
Right now, I stand before one of the last of my brethren, the one who has been rotting in Azkaban for almost five months. I look into his once beautiful face with the now strained, unkempt and dirty blond hair and dull grey eyes– he seems to be nothing like all those years prior. A broken man.
I still remember my induction to the Death Eaters. Evan Rosier was the one to recruit me, being one of my best friends in Hogwarts despite being two years older than me. He easily persuaded me with words of freedom, acceptance, brotherhood, and revenge executed upon those who had hurt me. I think he really believed in this. He probably only wanted what he thought was best for me. And I trusted him with my life.
Lucius rarely took notice of me my first year. I mostly gathered with Evan and his friends, and although Lucius– because he was acquainted with some of Evan’s friends– sometimes came to us, he never lingered long and always had that air of aloofness about him. I watched him from afar, watched him closely; he was a riddle that needed to be solved. No one could get to him. And I, at my foolish age, did not want anything more than to become like him. I resembled him whenever possible during my first years of my service to the Dark Lord. I became obsessed with that man. My eyes followed him wherever he went. I knew he noticed; but still, he did not once look at me.
Lucius had many flings at that time. I watched him interact with his partner of choice, and I can very possibly list all of his affairs. Women, men– it didn’t matter to him. He took whatever intrigued him.
I, with my obvious interest, did not seem to be of any interest to him.
But then, when I became a spy at Hogwarts, something between us shifted. Suddenly, he sought me out after gatherings; he did not pay attention to anyone else, it seemed. I did not think about his intentions with me– I was just happy that this dream of being noticed by Lucius Malfoy would come true.
He took me as his lover.
But in the end, Lucius only used me. He saw my influence with the Dark Lord grow, and used me as a tool to get higher in the ranks. I only saw that after a feast at which I did not obey him, and did not give the information I had concerning Hogwarts to our master alone. After that, Lucius threw me away like yesterday’s trash. He humiliated me; under my eyes, he flirted with just about everyone within his reach, only to make it clear to me that he did not want me when I didn’t serve him. He wanted to see me break.
And now, he stares at me with these grey eyes and tells me, “Severus, old friend, how have you been?”
All the time we are talking in this cell in Azkaban– without dementors now, fortunately– he acts as if we were the best of friends, not as if he ignored me most of the time or, at most, had a good laugh at me for my awkwardness.
Or hurt me beyond belief, and drove me into Dumbledore’s arms.
Nothing in this broken shell before me resembles the once beautiful, self-assured, determined man. Nothing reminds me of the persona that fascinated me all that time ago. He is nothing but weak and subordinating.
But still, there is something about that man. I cannot see him like that– it makes me break, too. How could such a proud man fall to such a state of disgrace? If he can, then anyone else can. And I know how near I am to such a breaking point.
I should flee, but I am not able to avert my eyes from his face. I see the need in his eyes; he, as much as I, craves human touch. I reach out with my hand, my black eyes boring into his. I tremble; how could it be that at the moment my life’s fantasy comes true, nothing in his eyes changes? How can he be indifferent to this? How can he not care who it is that touches him?
Because that is what I realize when I finally graze his cheek… he shuts his eyes, and that is all I need to know. He does not see that it is I, Severus Snape, touching him. Perhaps he remembers Narcissa at that moment; perhaps another.
But it is not me.
And so I turn and flee.
I sit at home– my study in the Hogwarts’ dungeons, to which I had come back after my name had been cleared of Dumbledore’s murder. After all, I did it only on his orders.
The Firewhisky burns my throat. I do not dare think about what happened that day… yesterday. My very belief has been shaken by what I saw in that cell.
Today, Lucius Malfoy will be brought to trial for his commitments under the Dark Lord’s reign of terror, and will be convicted for all he has done.
My life is lost now that Lucius Malfoy has shattered me, finally.
So, what do you think? Okay, not okay? Please review! I want to improve my writing, and for that I need feedback! Constructive criticism is always welcome!
Many thanks to my wonderful betas, JessiokaFroka and JackieJLH!