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To Regain Lost Time by Yulara [Reviews - 3]

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Life went on during the following weeks. Almost every evening now, Remus would return from the hiding place where his mind had taken shelter from the horrors he had lived through. He never spoke, just listened to my voice, melted into my touch, graced me with his beautiful smile. It seemed to be as Harry had said: he was happy with me.

I, too, was as happy as I could ask for. Not only did the man I loved live, no, he even responded to me and seemed to recognise me . It was more than I had ever hoped for when I had realised over eighteen months ago that my feelings for him still existed.

Moreover, there was something -- or rather, someone -- else that, unbelievable as it may sound, had a positive effect on my well-being: Harry Potter. After that certain evening, it had taken three weeks until I finally had brought myself to invite him for tea again. At first, it had been a rather uneasy situation, the two of us sitting in my living room, silently sipping our tea, not knowing what to talk about. We had, however, finally managed to overcome this awkwardness by speaking of what was on both our minds at these days: Remus. From there it had not been overly difficult to find other topics. I soon realised that indeed he was very different from his father, and -- considering that I am not a sociable person at all -- rather pleasant company. After two months, we had developed a routine of fortnightly visits on Friday evenings.

Unfortunately, good times never last long, and thus, no more than three months went by until once again Remus’s condition was giving cause for concern. I had already noticed that during my last visits, he seemed to be in a constant state of fatigue, and now the healers told me that recently he had been suffering from nightmares more and more frequently. Sometimes, he would awake shaking and crying every hour, and there was nothing the nursing staff could do, since he would not let anyone comfort him and get only more upset if someone tried.

During the next weeks, it seemed that he tried to sleep as little as possible, and I was told that often he would sit in his bed wide awake far into the night, until finally he was overtaken by weariness and succumbed to a fitful slumber that did nothing to restore his fading strength. Harry and I were deeply worried abut him. The healers were of the opinion that the increasing nightmares might have to do with the fact that Remus now regularly managed to escape the walls he had built up around his mind. They assumed that due to this, he was no longer able to completely shut out the memories he was trying to forget, and that therefore they now were assailing him in his dreams.

Weeks full of worry went by, and nothing changed. If anything, it only became worse. He was losing weight again at an alarming rate, due to lack of sleep, and this could quickly become dangerous. Far too well remembering the desperate fight against his underweight some months ago, I still did not like the idea that maybe it would be necessary to put him on parenteral nutrition again. But it seemed that it would be inevitable sooner or later if his condition did not ameliorate.

Sometimes, he would “awake” from his unresponsive state shortly after my arrival, only to drift off to sleep some minutes later, clutching my hand. This began to happen more and more often, and we supposed it was because he felt safe in my presence and did not fear the nightmares as long as I was with him.

Finally, in late November, something happened that would once again turn my life into a wholly new direction. Sitting down at his bedside in the evening, I was once more aghast at how pale and sickly Remus was looking, but what hurt even more than that were the silent tears which were running down his hollow cheeks.

However, I did not let my feelings show, but instead acted as normally as possible, holding his hand and talking to him, until after about a quarter of an hour, he turned his head to look at me. I felt a stabbing pain at the anguish that was shining from his eyes, and for a brief second, I almost wished that tonight he had not “awoken” at all. Instead of smiling at me as he usually would, he began to cry even harder, causing me to get up from the chair and sit down with him on the bed. It was far too easy to pull his thin form onto my lap, and he immediately curled up against my chest, clinging to my robes as he did so. For a long time, I did nothing but hold the desperately weeping man I loved, willing myself not to follow his example.

Finally, Remus had calmed down, and we sat in silence, his face hidden in my shoulder, my fingers slowly combing through his hair. From time to time a belated sob would shake him, and then his hands would tighten their trembling grip on me for some seconds. When finally he pulled back slightly and looked up at me, I gently wiped the tears off his clammy cheeks.

“I wish you could tell me what hurts you so much. Maybe I could help you, if only I knew how.”

Sighing, I closed my eyes for some moments. If only I had a way to learn what exactly was troubling him! But as it was, I could do nothing more than try to comfort him when I was with him. Legilimency was not an option, since it is far too dangerous to enter a mind so disturbed as his. Directing my attention back at him, I noticed a strange mixture of conflicting emotions flicker across his face. Pain, fear, and… hope? It almost seemed as though he was absorbed in an inner fight -- agonising about a decision and unsure of what to do.

“Remus? Is there anything you want me to know?”

Of course, I knew that he would not answer, but I felt that I had to at least try. He kept staring at me, frowning, but finally he slowly nodded. I was completely surprised, since I had not truly expected any reaction to my question.

“Then tell me. You know I will not hurt you, don’t you?”

We did not even know if he was physically capable of speaking – and even if this was the case, there must be some psychological barrier that barred him from doing so. Still, I could not ignore the irrational hope that was stirring inside me. He had never seemed as lucid as now.

“Come, you can trust me,” I continued to coax him gently. “If I can help you in any way, I will.”

He was shaking again by now, looking at me with wide eyes, and I already cursed myself for upsetting him so much by demanding something of him that he could not do, when suddenly he opened his mouth as if to speak. My heart skipped a beat at this sight, but only a few seconds later he closed it again, frantically shaking his head while looking down to avoid my gaze. Never before had he been so distressed in my presence.

“Remus…” I cupped his cheek and made him face me again. “It’s all right, you don’t have to tell me. I’m sorry if I pushed too much.” Lightly stroking his cheek with my thumb, I tried to calm him down, struggling not to let my troubled emotions show in my voice, for fear of scaring him even more. “Don’t worry. You don’t have to talk to me. I understand that you can’t.” Slowly, I leaned forward to brush a kiss on his other cheek. “I just wanted to help you. I want you to feel safe.”

“S-severus. T-take me… home.” It was a shaky whisper, the words a little slurred, but understandable.

Shocked, I let go of him. I was so stunned to actually hear him speak, to hear my name from his lips, that I was unable to answer. A thick lump in my throat seemed to suffocate me and prevent me from breathing as I stared at him incredulously.

Minutes passed by.

“Please…” Barely audible, desperate. His gaze glued to my eyes, Remus was still trembling violently, his breathing now shallow and erratic. Not once during all the previous months had I seen such fear on his face. Fear that I would reject him, I realised.

“Yes,” I rasped breathlessly, wrapping my arms around him, “yes, I promise.”

Remus made a small, whimpering sound as he closed his eyes and buried his face in my shoulder again, a soft, contented smile playing on his lips. We sat like this for a while, and gradually, his breathing evened out and the tremors abated. When finally he opened his eyes again, they were once more devoid of any awareness.

It was only then that I allowed myself to cry, my cheek resting on his soft hair as I begun rocking us gently back and forth. My tears, however, were not desperate ones.


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I had always assumed that wardship of Remus had fallen to the Ministry, as it usually is the case when a wizard or witch cannot care for themselves anymore and there is no family. But when at the following day I spoke to the responsible official, I learned that Remus had left a will that made Harry, of all people, his guardian.

This put me in a difficult situation. On the one hand, I was almost glad to hear it, for surely it would have been an impossible struggle to convince the Ministry to let Remus, a hero of the war, live with me, a former Death Eater. Never mind my involvement in the Dark Lord’s downfall – to them I would never be more than scum that once had been crawling at their enemy’s feet.

On the other hand, I could hardly assume that Harry would agree to this, either. Granted, the hatred we had once held for one another had finally died away during the previous months, and we had developed some kind of understanding, even the beginning of a tentative friendship – but was that enough? Could he trust me so much as to entrust me with Remus’s well-being, his life? I doubted it, and I could not blame him for it. I would not have done so, had I been in his place.

On top of that, another question would not stop tormenting me.

“Why did you allow me to visit him in the first place?”

Harry, who was sitting opposite me on the sofa in my living room, put down his cup of tea, gazing at me contemplatively. I truly did not understand him – he had hated me with a passion, and yet had not prevented me from daily visiting the probably most important person in his life. A person whom, as far as he had known back then, I had never shown anything but loathing.

“At first, I didn’t want to,” he finally said slowly. “I didn’t like the thought of you gloating over his… condition. But then the staff told me what you did. That you could touch him. That you were gentle to him.” He smiled feebly. “I didn’t understand why, and I still didn’t like it, but… I didn’t want to take that from him.”

This stunned me into silence. Harry had been only seventeen when this burden had been placed on him, and yet he had handled it in such a mature way, had not let his actions be ruled by his rightful grudge against me but only by what he thought was best for the man he was responsible for. That, more than anything else, proved how right Remus had been in his decision.

Finally, I retrieved my voice. “Thank you.”

He shook his head. “Don’t. You know it was for him, not you.”

“Yes, but still, I…” What should I say? How should I phrase what I had realised right now? The last years had changed me; Remus had changed me. Changed for the better, as I thought. At least I felt better. I was more content with my life than I had ever been before, despite of the pain that Remus’s mental condition caused me. I had found love again, never mind the circumstances. I had even found a friendship I had never thought possible. All of this would not have happened, had not a seventeen-year-old boy deemed his godfather’s well-being more important than his own hurt feelings.

“Just accept it. Things… people change. If they get the chance to do so.”

Harry’s lips curled into a smile. “Then I should thank you as well. But,” he added, picking up his cup again, “that wasn’t why you asked me to come, was it? I had to ask to take the afternoon off, and that isn’t liked very well. My instructors will give me a hell of a training tomorrow. And surely your students sorely miss their Potions classes.”

I smirked at hearing this, but soon became serious again. “No, you are right, there is another reason why I wanted to talk to you.”

“I figured as much. It’s about Remus, right?” He suddenly sounded worried. “Has he gotten worse during the last days? Has anything happened?”

I nodded, deciding to simply state the facts and hope for the best, although I still could not see how he would ever agree to this.

“Yesterday, he spoke to me.”

Harry choked on his tea at this. When the coughing fit had abated, he managed to gasp a weak “What did he say?”, his cheeks red, eyes still watering.

“He said my name. And…” Here it came. It was ridiculous to hope for Harry to allow it! “He asked me to take him home with me, and I want to do so.”

There was an embarrassing silence as Harry stared at me blankly, an expression of absolute disbelief on his face. I felt incredibly stupid. Of course, he would never agree. Trusting me, his formerly most hated professor, a former Death Eater, to care for his godfather properly -- it was just an absurd idea.

“You’d do that?” he finally whispered. “You’d do that for him? You’d give up everything to care for him? Just like that?”

What was he saying? “Of course I would! I love him, in case you haven’t noticed!”

He flushed. “Sorry, it’s just a little much to digest at once. So, that’s why you’re suddenly so interested in the whole wardship thing. You want me to give my allowance to let him live with you, right?”

I merely nodded; all of this felt utterly surreal.

“When do you want me to sign the papers? We could do it right today.”

“WHAT?” This could not be reality, I was dead sure of that now. I must be dreaming – probably it was still night, and the real talk with Harry was yet to come. “No ‘over my dead body’? No objections, no doubts? How can you just agree? Have you forgotten with whom you are talking? How can you just trust me with this? How can you trust me with his life?”

“I’ve trusted you with my own life ever since the middle of sixth year.”

Spoken simply and quietly, these words once more left me speechless. True, I had Apparated him, who had been wandless and bound, out of a circle of Death Eaters ready to kill him, thereby blowing my cover as a loyal follower of the Dark Lord. After that, however, nothing had changed between us, or so it had seemed. Our mutual hate had not decreased in the slightest.

“You risked your life for me. And I now know it wasn’t just because I was the only tool to get rid of Voldemort, admit it or not. You’d have done that for any of your students. So, if you did that for someone you hated, how could I doubt you when it’s about someone you love?”

I could not answer, could not even thank him. This pure, unadulterated trust was something only two people had ever honoured me with – one of them being certifiably insane. I, myself, had never been able to trust anyone like this. And it coming from Harry Potter, of all people!

My face must have told him enough, for he smiled a little lopsidedly. “So, today?”

I nodded. “Today.”

This very afternoon, Harry and I stopped by at the Ministry for Magic, where he signed all the necessary papers to release Remus from St. Mungo’s into my care. Whereas he returned to the Auror training camp afterwards, I Flooed over to Hogwarts to talk to Albus. I knew that it was unfair to ask him to let me quit by the end of the week, but to tell the truth, I could not have cared less about the education of those brats. I was needed elsewhere. Thankfully, Albus made no objections at all. I doubt that I will ever understand this man; he has been a mystery to me ever since he took me under his wing so many years ago.

When I visited Remus in the evening, he did not smile at my sight, but he was better than he had been the previous evening.

“Do you remember what we talked about yesterday?” I asked him, sitting down on the edge of the bed. I wanted to be as near to him as possible when telling him the good news.

Slowly, he nodded, fear and hope clearly showing on his face.

“The person who had to allow it did agree.” I knew that it was useless to mention Harry. “I’ll quit my position as a teacher by the end of this week. In three days, you’ll come home with me.”

For a few moments, he just stared at me -- then, suddenly, thin arms were flung around me, and a head with soft greyish brown hair was nestled to my neck.

“Th-thank… you.”

As Remus whispered his only words of the evening, I, too, wrapped my arms around him, silently thanking Harry for his godfather’s happiness. I wished he could have seen it as well.

Three days later, on Saturday morning, I Apparated directly into my living room, carrying in my arms the man I loved. His beautiful eyes were wide and unseeing as I gently placed him on the sofa and pressed a kiss on a shaking hand.

“Welcome home.”

To Regain Lost Time by Yulara [Reviews - 3]

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