Ellcey, and to LariLee for her help with proofreading.

---

HIGHLY IMPROBABLE


Chapter 30: The Jarvey Jive


*~~~*~~~*

By morning, Clancy was in Snape’s arms, snoozing peacefully against his bony, concave chest. An overpowering stench awakened her.

“Severus,” she mumbled sleepily.

Snape grunted.

“Are you awake?”

“Mrehhh,” he snarled.

“Go take a shower. You smell dreadful.”

Snape inhaled deeply and wrinkled his nose in disgust. “It isn’t me. It’s a gamy smell. What do you expect when we’re in the woods? Now, let me sleep.”

Clancy nodded off, but a few minutes later, their uninvited guest stirred and looked up to regard them. He focused his attention on Snape.

“If he isn’t the ugliest bastard I’ve ever seen!” the creature remarked, in a high-pitched voice.

Cracking open one eyelid, Snape peeked at Clancy suspiciously. Must have been my imagination, he decided, and then he dozed off, again.

The beast shifted his weight and leaned heavily against Clancy’s legs. The pressure awakened her, and she lifted her head. She spied the animal, and froze.

“S-S-Severus!” she whispered.

“What now? I’m tired.”

“There’s a strange creature on our bed. I think it might be one of those pine martens you mentioned.”

“Nonsense.”

“Please look – I’m frightened!”

“Fine! Anything to shut you up so I can get some sleep!”

Snape yawned, and then sat up and locked eyes with an overgrown ferret-like animal, the size of a basset hound. He stared into the Potions master’s sullen face without exhibiting a trace of fear.

“Do you look this repulsive all day, or is it because you just woke up?”

“This isn’t a pine marten,” Snape muttered with distaste, “it’s a -”

“Jarvey!” Clancy said with delight. “Remus told me about them!”

Snape reached for his wand. “How would you like a fur stole?”

“Don’t you dare! I think she’s cute.”

The Jarvey spoke to Clancy. “Thanks, lassie, but I’m a male.”

“I beg you pardon. Your voice is so high, I naturally assumed -”

“My voice is more appealing than his,” the Jarvey told her, cocking his head toward Snape. He rolled his eyes sarcastically. “Is he your husband?”

“No.”

“No wonder you look happy. You’re supposed to kiss frogs – not sleep with them!”

“This is absurd!” Snape bellowed. “I will not sit here and be insulted!”

“Don’t let me detain you. Haul your skinny arse out of bed so I can stretch out and have a proper snooze.” The Jarvey addressed Clancy. “You can stay put, lassie. You’re brainless, but I’ll make an exception since you spoke up for me.”

“Ha!” Snape chimed in. “It’s your turn, now. Let’s see how you like it!”

Clancy frowned at the creature. “Why am I brainless?”

The Jarvey glanced toward Snape, again. “You’re with him, aren’t you?”

Clancy burst into a fit of giggles. Snape was apoplectic. He leveled his wand at the infuriating beast.

“Avada Ke-”

“SEVERUS!” She grabbed his arm to prevent him from applying the Killing Curse. “I will never forgive you if you hurt this poor, defenseless creature.”

Snape laid his wand down reluctantly. “Bah! Get out of our tent before I transfigure you into a smoldering heap of dragon dung.”

The Jarvey remained unflappable. “What do you use on your hair – lard or butter?”

Baring his teeth, Snape lunged menacingly at the impossible animal. “Get out before I -”

“Wouldn’t you be more comfortable in a coffin? I know where I can borrow a shovel.”

Snape had had enough. He bolted from the bed, grabbed his clothes, and stormed into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. The Jarvey observed him critically.

“I’ve never seen a naked wizard before. I regret eating such a rich dinner last night.”

“What do Jarveys eat?” Clancy asked.

“Rats, voles, an occasional gnome. We’re not choosy. And if you’re sleeping with him, neither are you, apparently. I bet he’s a habit you’d like to kick – with both feet.”

Clancy laughed in spite of herself. She’d never had a conversation with a talking animal before, and she found it quite intriguing.

“I’d watch my step if I were you. He’s a very powerful wizard.”

“In bed?” the Jarvey inquired brazenly.

“That’s a rather personal question. I don’t believe I’ll answer it.”

“I’ll take that as a ‘no’. Tell me, what’s it like when you’re laying next to him and you have to look at his nose? You must be thinking, ‘well, here we are – just the three of us’!”

“I’m glad you showed up,” she snickered. “You’re going to be just what the doctor ordered.”

“Doctor?”

“That’s the Muggle term for a healer,” Clancy explained.

“You’re a Muggle?” The Jarvey crawled closer and scrutinized her carefully. “That accounts for it.”

“Accounts for what?”

“What you see in him. It’s all about the magic, isn’t it? If you were a witch, you wouldn’t look at him twice.”

Clancy grew protective of Snape. “He has many fine qualities – they’re just very well hidden. How popular are you with the females of your species?” she retorted.

“I haven’t seen any female Jarveys in this area,” the creature admitted sadly.

“They must have stood downwind from you and left in a hurry.” Clancy held her nose. “Would you mind moving off the bed, please?”

“All right, lassie, since you asked me nicely.” He eased himself over the side and lumbered lazily over to the table, and then climbed up into one of the chairs.

Snape came out of the bathroom and regarded the Jarvey seated comfortably at the table. He walked toward him with a malicious glint in his eye.

“Are you planning on staying for breakfast?”

“I wouldn’t mind, laddie. Your generosity is almost as big as your nose. What’s on the menu?” The intrusive beast leaned forward and began salivating.

“You!” Snape informed him, conjuring a sharp knife.

“Severus! Try to be kind. The poor thing is probably hungry.”

“He looks well-fed to me,” Snape grumbled, noting the animal’s paunch.

“All the same, let him stay. It’s fascinating to be able to converse with another species.”

“The novelty will soon pass,” Snape assured her.

“You’re not fit to sleep with swine!” the Jarvey told him.

“Oh yes, he is!” Clancy protested.

“CLANCY! Whose side are you on?”

“Clancy?” The creature tilted his head. “Silly name for a female. Sounds like a burly Irish peasant.”

Snape chortled with amusement. “That’s precisely what I told her!” He removed his handkerchief from his pocket to wipe his eyes.

“Whose side are you on?” Clancy asked Snape angrily.

Unfolding the handkerchief, Snape brought it up toward his face.

“TAKE COVER! HE’S GOING TO BLOW!” screeched the Jarvey. He held his paws over his head to protect himself.

Clancy seized the opportunity to slip discreetly into her dressing gown and join them at the table.

Carefully removing the precious orchid he had discovered the previous evening, Snape dabbed his eyes, before examining his treasure once again.

“Tell me, when you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid?”

“I’ve had more than enough of you! If it weren’t for her,” Snape growled, indicating Clancy, “I’d have thrown you out of here by now - or worse.”

“Yes,” Clancy agreed, “and how dare you insult my name! Who are you to pass judgment? What’s your name, might I inquire?”

“Jarveys don’t have names. We identify one another by our scent.”

“No wonder you’re alone. Severus, can’t you do something about his odor?”

“If it will please you. I am eager to get on with breakfast and send this pest on his way.” Aiming his wand at the malodorous mammal, Snape applied Cleaning and Deodorizing Charms. “How is that?” he asked her.

Clancy took a whiff. “Much better. He’s cuter and fluffier when he’s clean. And now, I’m going to give him a name.” She studied the Jarvey closely, trying to decide what to call him. “I’ve got it!” she crowed, at last. “El Panpipe!”

Snape and the Jarvey looked at Clancy, then at one another, and then back to Clancy.

“El Panpipe?” they repeated in chorus.

“Lassie, I come from a clan of Scottish Jarveys. I’m not a Spaniard!”

“Well, I can’t help it. I’ve already decided that will be your name. I’ll shorten it to Panpipe, if you prefer.”

The newly christened Panpipe turned to Snape. “You have my sympathy, gruesome. Your concubine is a screwball.”

“How dare you refer to her in such a derogatory fashion! Scourgify!” Snape uttered before Clancy could protest, and soap bubbles began to foam from Panpipe’s mouth.

“Water…water…,” he gasped, clawing at his throat.

“Severus! Remove the spell this instant!” Clancy insisted. She rushed over to the food chest, poured water into a shallow dish and placed it on the table in front of Panpipe.

Snape muttered the counter spell as Panpipe lapped up the water.

“It was sweet of you to defend me against the remarks he made, but it really wasn’t necessary.”

“I was merely objecting to his ‘concubine’ comment; I am in complete accord with his assessment of you as a ‘screwball’!” Snape lifted the food chest. “I shall be outdoors preparing breakfast, if you and your pathetic protégé should deign to join me.” With a contemptuous look at Panpipe, he swept out of the tent.

“Now you’ve done it,” Clancy told Panpipe, as he continued drinking. “I was considering taking you back to Hogwarts with us, but now I’m not so sure it would be a good idea.”

“What’s Hogwarts?”

“It’s the Wizarding school where we teach. The grounds are beautiful and the gamekeeper loves animals. There’s a forest nearby with all sorts of magical creatures. I’m sure there must be some female Jarveys about somewhere.”

“What are we waiting for? Let’s go!”

“Not so fast. We’re on holiday. Besides, you’ve been very insulting. You sneak into our tent, take advantage of our hospitality, and then proceed to affront us with a barrage of rude remarks.”

“That’s how all Jarveys behave, lassie. I’m not the worst of the lot. I’m a gent, as Jarveys go.”

“Be that as it may, my…friend has a violent temper.”

“Friend? Come, lass, you and your wizard are more than friends! What is that hook-nosed vampire to you, anyway?”

“I’m not sure I can define our relationship, but if I were you, I would make an effort to watch my tongue and be less inquisitive.”


*~~~*~~~*

Meanwhile, Snape had brewed a pot of tea and prepared scrambled eggs. A distance away, he spotted something glinting in the sunlight. Leveling his wand, he whispered, “Accio ring!” It rose from the ground and glided into his hand. He glanced furtively toward the tent and then pocketed it quickly. “This will teach her to turn me down,” he griped under his breath. “How dare she refuse a ring I had no intention of giving her in the first place! It will be amusing watching her try to find it; and it will serve the chit right for expecting me to suffer the company of that foul-mouthed Jarvey.”

He poured himself a cup of tea and sat on a nearby log. Clancy and Panpipe emerged from the tent and joined him.

The Jarvey waddled up to Snape to study him at close range. “It must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and be able to smell the tea…in Hong Kong.”

“Panpipe!” Clancy cautioned. “Remember what I told you!”

The Jarvey could not control his impulsive behavior, so he continued his verbal assault on Snape. “You know, it's not the size of a nose that's important. It's what's in it that matters. You could de-emphasize your nose if you wore something larger. Like…Glasgow.”

A blue vein began to throb in Snape’s temple as he curled his fingers tightly around his wand.

Panpipe could not take his eyes off the Potions master’s nose. “Don’t you just love nature, in spite of what it did to you? Pardon me, laddie. There’s a lady present. Shouldn’t you put that thing away? Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze and it's goodbye Aberdeen.”

“Clancy,” Snape hissed through gritted teeth, “my patience is wearing thin.”

“If you don't like my opinion of you - improve yourself!” Panpipe suggested, before turning to Clancy. “I bet you take this git with you everywhere you go just so you never have to kiss him goodbye.”

“I’ll have you know that I am one of the preeminent Potions masters in the Wizarding world!” Snape blustered. “I am a self-made man!”

“It’s good of you to take the blame. Can I borrow your face for a few days while my arse is on holiday?”

Snape sprang to his feet and thrust his wand against Panpipe’s throat. Narrowing his eyes, he cried, “Silencio!”

Rising up on his hind legs, Panpipe began to stagger about, as he attempted to comprehend what had happened. He moved his mouth pitifully, unable to speak. He looked to Clancy for help.

Clancy regarded Snape sternly. “Aunt Hilly would be ashamed of you. Do you know what one of her favorite sayings was?”

“No,” Snape barked, “and I don’t care!”

“Dear Lord, hear and bless thy beasts and singing birds. And guard with tenderness small things that have no words.” She walked over to Panpipe and knelt down to stroke his fur.

“Blast it all! I said I didn’t care! I took away his words, so go ahead and bless the bloody thing!” Snape tramped over to the campfire and served himself some eggs.

“Look how unhappy he is.” Panpipe wiggled his ears on cue and nuzzled her hand with his snout.

Snape picked at his eggs serenely, unmoved by the Jarvey’s obvious ploy to gain her sympathy. “I’ll remove the charm once we’ve fed the filthy little beggar and you convince him to leave.”

Panpipe looked up at Clancy pleadingly.

“Would you like some eggs?” she asked him. He nodded his head eagerly. “Do you promise to leave right after breakfast?”

Panpipe rolled over on his back, placing his head on Clancy’s lap. He widened his soulful brown eyes and she began scratching his belly. Stretching out in absolute ecstasy, Panpipe’s left hind leg began to quiver involuntarily.

Snape watched their display with disdain. “Sickening,” he observed.

Clancy scooped up Panpipe in her arms, struggling to rise under the creature’s bulk. She carried him over to the campfire, cooing to him the entire time. Placing him gently on the ground, she spooned a generous helping of eggs onto a plate and presented it to him. He devoured them, and then gazed longingly at the skillet.

“Seconds?” Clancy offered.

Panpipe nodded and licked her hand, gratitude shining in his eyes.

“Please, Severus, remove the charm. Panpipe wants to thank me.” As she watched him plough into his second helping, she began to serenade him.

“I love Jarveys, I love tea.
I love Panpipe and he loves me.
Eggs and tea, and the Jarvey and me,
A cup, a cup, a cup, a cup, cup. Boy!”

Merciful Merlin! Am I to be spared nothing? I’ll put an end to her misplaced devotion. Flicking his wand, Snape removed the Silencing Charm.

Finishing her song, Clancy gazed lovingly at the animal. “It breaks my heart.”

“Don't feel bad, lassie. Lots of folks can’t carry a tune,” Panpipe hooted. “If you’d put a wee bit of effort into your high notes, you might be mediocre.”

“Now, how do you feel about your useless pet?” Snape sneered.

“Panpipe, how could you? I thought you liked me,” Clancy pouted. “Is my singing really that awful?"

The Jarvey turned to Snape for guidance. With a broad sweep of his hand, the churlish wizard encouraged Panpipe to speak the truth.

“Aye, lass,” he confirmed. “I’ve had voles halfway down my craw that made a better tone than that.”

Clancy hung her head sadly.

“If it’s any consolation to you, animals have keener hearing than humans, so perhaps your singing sounds more pleasing to your own kind.”

She glanced at Snape, but as she expected, he merely snorted and shook his head.

“But if I had to choose, I’d much rather listen to you than look at him,” Panpipe added, crouching down and twitching his whiskers derisively at Snape. “Even if he is tall, dark, and handsome.”

“Handsome?” Snape repeated in disbelief.

“Aye, laddie. When it’s dark, you’re handsome.”

“Panpipe! I happen to be very much in love with him, despite his frequent bouts of idiocy. I know Severus would go to the end of the earth for me, which is why I can overlook his flaws.”

“Really?” Panpipe asked enthusiastically. “If we both asked him nicely, do you think we could get him to stay there?”

“How is it,” Snape queried acidly, “that you are so loquacious and have developed a palate for scrambled eggs? From what I know of Jarveys, their comprehension of human language is rudimentary, at best, and their diet consists mainly of rodents.”

“Well, if you must know, I used to be a professional.”

“A professional what?” Snape scoffed.

“Entertainer,” Panpipe announced proudly. “I was part of a performing troupe, Maddock Magoon and his Amazing Magical Menagerie.”

“How thrilling!” Clancy exclaimed. “What kind of tricks did you do?”

“I didn’t do tricks. I was planted in the audience as the heckler.”

“A heckler! How perfect!”

“Fascinating,” Snape remarked.

“Aye. My owner captured me in the woods when I was a wee one, and groomed me for the stage. He used to dress me in a kilt and I’d rear up on my hind legs and insult him during the comedy portion of his act.”

“A kilt!” Clancy laughed. “I bet you looked adorable! Did you wear the same little costume all the time?”

“No, lass. I was a Jarvey of many tartans.”

Clancy and Snape exchanged a fleeting glance, and then Snape turned away in disgust.

“Let me see…” Panpipe recalled, “there was MacDonald on Monday, Teallach on Tuesday, Black Watch on Wednesday –”

“That will suffice,” Snape told Panpipe, cutting him off.

“No, please, Panpipe, go on. I want to hear more about your act,” she persisted.

“Well, old Magoon would come out onto the stage and go into a series of anecdotes about Scots being thrifty and having a fondness for drink.”

“And what did you do?”

“I stepped on all his jokes and blurted out the punch lines. For example, Magoon would say, ‘I need to slake my thirst. I believe I’ll stroll outside –’ Then I’d yell out from the audience, ‘What for? Did the weather forecaster predict there would be a nip in the air?’”

Clancy giggled. Snape remained stone-faced.

“Then Magoon would launch into a story about two Scots on the links as a funeral procession passed by. The first golfer removes his cap and inclines his head respectfully as the casket makes its way to the churchyard. The second golfer says, ‘That’s mighty decent of you, McPherson, to interrupt your game to show reverence for the dead.’ Then I would cut in and say, ‘That was the least he could do – they were burying his wife!’”

“Panpipe,” Clancy chuckled, “you’re hysterical! But, why are you here in the woods? Why are you no longer with Magoon?”

“He became jealous of me getting all the laughs. He took to drink, and the last straw was when his theatrical agent insisted that he give me top billing. He wanted to change the name of the act to ‘Jarvey & Company’. One night Magoon locked me in a cage, Apparated with me to these woods, and dumped me.”

“You poor thing,” Clancy said consolingly.

“I miss human companionship, which is why I sneaked into your tent. Life isn’t worth living if I can’t insult folks once in a while. I’ve got a hearty appetite too,” he added.

“So we’ve noticed,” Snape interjected sourly.

“I eat my fill of everything I can catch, but being in captivity, I developed a taste for human fare.” Panpipe sighed heavily. “What I wouldn’t do for a wee taste of Neeps and Tatties.”

Snape glowered accusingly at Clancy. “You coached him to say that while you were alone together in the tent – just to embarrass me!”

“I did no such thing! You are much too sensitive.”

“What did I say?” Panpipe asked, confused.

“Never mind,” Clancy told him. She looked over at Snape. “Some people are much too suspicious. They must learn to be more trusting.”

“He’s finished his breakfast. It’s time for him to go.”

Lowering his tail, Panpipe held out his paw to Clancy, to shake her hand. “Goodbye, lass,” he said, loud enough for Snape to hear. Then, he leaned close to her ear and whispered, “Please. Take me back to Hogwarts with you. I promise I’ll be good.”

“I’ll see what I can do,” she said. “Keep an eye on our campsite and check back when it looks as though we’re about to leave.” She winked at Panpipe, and he winked back.

The Jarvey turned to Snape. “I’ll see you in my dreams – if I eat too much.” Then, with one last farewell glance at Clancy, Panpipe plodded off and disappeared into a thicket.

“Well, I hope you’re satisfied!” Clancy muttered to Snape. “You’d make a terrible father.”

“I have no intention of ever becoming a father, so your estimation of my paternal qualifications is irrelevant.”

“Stranger things have happened.”

“Mostly, since I’ve made your acquaintance!”

Clancy started toward the tent.

“And where do you think you’re going?” Snape demanded.

“I’m planning on getting dressed, if that’s all right with you.”

“Hadn’t you better look for the ring? The longer you delay, the less chance there will be of you finding it.”

“Why should I waste my time searching for a ring that I have no intention of accepting? Wherever it is, it can stay there,” she informed him casually. With a toss of her head, she headed back inside the tent.

“Of all the ungrateful…” Snape seethed. “I’ll make her accept that ring if it’s the last thing I do!”


*~~~*~~~*

After a time, Clancy rejoined Snape outdoors.

“How do you propose we spend the day?” he asked.

She shrugged. “I don’t know. You tell me. It was your idea to bring us here.”

Snape moved toward her to steal a kiss, but she backed away. “I thought you had forgiven me for last night.”

“And what would lead you to arrive at such an erroneous conclusion?”

“Perhaps it is the fact that you awoke in my arms this morning.”

“It should be apparent to you, by now, that I toss and turn a great deal in my sleep. My position is not indicative of my passion.”

“Why won’t you accept my ring?” Snape demanded. “I thought it was what you wanted.”

“Because I didn’t care for the spirit in which it was offered. You gave it to me grudgingly to placate me and string me along. It’s no more than a meaningless symbol to me now.”

“I find your attitude to be highly irrational, but suppose we rise above this impasse and endeavor to enjoy our time here together.”

“All right,” Clancy conceded. “Tell me what you have in mind.”

Snape withdrew his wand and conjured a creel. Clancy stared at it, perplexed.

“What’s that for?”

“I thought I’d try wizard angling. I will grant you the privilege of admiring my skill.”

“Wizard angling? Don’t tell me, let me guess. Would that be the Wizarding equivalent of Muggle fishing? I suppose you point your wand toward the water, spout some Latin claptrap, and then the fish rise magically from the stream and fry themselves obligingly over the campfire.”

“You left out a few steps, but that is the concept, more or less.”

Clancy folded her arms and remained silent.

“If you don’t want to do it, just say so.”

“I don’t want to do it.”

“Very well.” Snape looked pointedly toward the tent. “It would be a pity to let lucky Room Number 7 go to waste. Suppose we revisit happier times?”

Clancy smiled weakly. “I’ve suddenly developed a craving for wild trout.” She picked up the creel and made off toward the stream.

Arriving at the water’s edge, Snape selected a location and aimed his wand at the water.

“Are you up for a challenge?” she asked innocently.

“Precisely what did you have in mind?”

“Let’s see you try to catch a fish the Muggle way. I’m willing to make a bet you can’t do it.”

“You’re joking.”

“I’m entirely serious. Transfigure a fishing pole for each of us, and I predict that I’ll catch a bigger fish than you will. Moreover, I’ll gamble that your temper will get the better of you and you won’t have the patience to catch any fish at all.”

“And just what would you care to wager?”

“How about this: If you win, we’ll have a little highland fling in your makeshift Kilty Pleasures this evening.”

Snape considered the offer and found it to be agreeable. “I accept your challenge.”

“Wouldn’t you be interested to know what I intend to collect if I win?”

“It makes little difference,” Snape said conceitedly. “You won’t win.”

“Nevertheless, I feel I should state my terms up front so there will be no misunderstanding after my victory.”

Such overconfidence! Imagine a female, and a Muggle, no less, having the audacity to believe she can outwit a Slytherin! Snape shook his head.

“Tell me what it is you want. I imagine it has something to do with a marriage proposal,” he surmised arrogantly.

“You couldn’t be more wrong. If I win, I plan to take Panpipe back to Hogwarts with us. And,” she added as an afterthought, “I will expect you to transfigure a kilt for him and a matching one for yourself – which you must assent to wear for the remainder of our holiday.”

“That’s preposterous!”

“I knew you’d say that. It signifies to me that you are afraid of losing.”

“I fear nothing!”

“Then you accept my challenge and give your word that you won’t cheat through use of magic?”

“You have my word as a gentleman.”

“That’s what worries me. Do you remember what I told you would happen to you if I ever caught you in a lie?”

Snape sighed heavily. “Yes, I remember. You will kick me from here to Dundee and never speak to me again.”

“Shall we begin?”

“I have one modification to put in to the wager.”

“And that would be?”

“When triumph is mine, you will take back my ring.”

I’ll gladly take back the ring, should I happen to lose. But that doesn’t mean I have to wear it, you sucker!

“I will agree to that, if it can be found. Now, suppose we get started.”

“You will have to explain to me what a Muggle fishing pole looks like. I don’t recall ever seeing one before.”

“Make it easy on yourself. Just use two long tree branches and trim off the twigs. Then tie a line to the end. You don’t have to bother with the reel.”

Snape found suitable branches and transfigured them into poles; he used pine needles for the hooks and line. He presented one to Clancy.

“What about bait?”

“Bait?”

“Muggles can’t depend upon magic to make fish jump out of the water all by themselves. We need something to attract the trout to bite.”

“What do you suggest?”

“There should be plenty of worms in the soil.”

Snape aimed his wand at the ground.

“Oh no, you don’t,” Clancy protested. “No magic, remember? I will allow you to transfigure a couple of trowels, but from here on in, everything will be done manually, not magically.”

After selecting two smooth stones from the stream, Snape transfigured them into trowels. They began to dig, and after a short time, they each found a supply of worms.

Clancy fixed a worm onto the hook and after a few thwarted attempts, successfully cast her line into the water. Snape observed her technique before trying it himself. His first effort carried his line further out than Clancy’s, and he gloated.

“Don’t take any bows prematurely,” Clancy advised. “You haven’t won yet.”

“It’s only a matter of time.”

A fruitless half hour passed. Out of the corner of her eye, Clancy could see Snape’s frustration escalating. He shifted his body, crossed and uncrossed his legs, and began shaking his fishing pole furiously.

Laying her pole on the ground, Clancy removed her shoes and socks, and then began rolling up her trousers.

“What are you doing?” Snape asked.

“It should be obvious by now that the trout aren’t going to come to us, so I’m going to go to them.” She picked up her pole and waded out to the middle of the stream. No more than ten minutes passed before she squealed, “I caught one!”

Blast! Now, what do I do? He began looking for loopholes. The challenge was to catch the biggest fish, not the first one. I still have a chance.

“Bring the creel out to me,” Clancy called. “I can’t hold onto this slippery thing forever!”

Snape took off his frockcoat, boots and socks, and then tried to roll up his trousers. “The legs are too tight; they won’t turn up.”

“Take them off.”

“I hardly think so.”

“Then wade in with your trousers on and use a Drying Charm later. I’ll make a concession – only hurry!”

Grabbing his fishing pole and the creel, he waded in to join her until he submerged himself above his knees.

“Look at the size of it!” she bragged. “Do you think it’s big enough for us to share for dinner?”

“We won’t have to share. I plan to catch a bigger one of my own.”

“I’ll be waiting.” Clancy placed her catch inside the creel and returned to the stream bank.

After she seated herself comfortably on the ground and Snape was certain she was watching him, he decided to show off. With a spectacular flourish, he threw his line over his shoulder to demonstrate his casting technique. All he managed to do, however, was to embed the hook deep into the seat of his trousers. The more he pulled and squirmed, the more entangled he became in the line.

“Need any help?” Clancy offered.

“Thank you, but no.”

Snape realized, at last, it was too late to maintain any sense of dignity, so he let go of the creel and began fiddling with the buttons on the waistband of his trousers. While he was in the process of taking them off, the current carried the creel gently downstream. As he struggled to free himself, Clancy enjoyed the show from shore, trying her utmost to contain her amusement.

Once he had removed them, Snape succeeded in dislodging the hook from the fabric. Struggling to straighten his line, he released hold of his trousers and they floated away to join the creel.

“Don’t look now, but you’ve lost your trousers, again!” she informed him. He watched as they cascaded over a low waterfall and disappeared from view.

Snape’s anger exploded. He spat on the pole, and then heaved it far toward the opposite bank of the stream. Splashing water violently as he sloshed back toward shore, he growled, “All bets are off!” Hurriedly gathering his belongings, he strode past her to return to the tent. Clancy followed at a safe distance.

Snape was already in the shower by the time Clancy arrived inside the tent. She slipped out of her damp clothing and put on her dressing gown to await her turn in the bathroom.

Showering had done nothing to improve Snape’s mood. When he came out, he was still fuming.

“I place the blame for this entirely upon you!” he shouted.

“As I recall, I suggested that you take your trousers off before you entered the water,” Clancy reminded him. “It takes a good bit of doing for one to hook one’s own ass. I should really declare you the winner of the challenge for sheer entertainment value alone – but I won’t.”

“The contest is a draw. Neither of us has a fish.”

“Ah, but the challenge was to catch a fish, which is what I did. You're the nitwit responsible for losing it. Moreover, I bet you that you wouldn’t have the patience to catch any fish at all, and my prediction proved to be correct.”

“You needn’t act so superior. I’m ahead of the game, this time,” Snape assured her.

“Really? How so?”

“I know when I’m with you I’ll lose my trousers sooner or later, so I packed heavily. I still have five extra pairs!”

Clancy smiled sweetly. “Temporarily.”

So there they were, on holiday in the Scottish Highlands, awakened by an insulting Jarvey, and quarreling ferociously over fish. Snape had lost their dinner, his trousers, and his temper; and, in a moment of rash stupidity, he’d promised to dress himself and Panpipe in matching kilts – and it wasn’t even noon.


*~~~*~~~*


Author’s Notes:

And the winner is…Grainne! I selected El Panpipe as the winning name because I felt it typified the sort of wacky name Clancy would invent. It is completely mad, it has a musical connotation, and, most importantly, it is an anagram for a certain infamous fruit.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to contribute suggestions!

Some of Panpipe’s rude remarks are the result of web-searching insult jokes, but unfortunately, the sites I used did not provide attribution. I reworked many of the Jarvey’s nose insults to Snape from the Steve Martin film, Roxanne, which was the only source of Internet nose jokes I was able to find. If he can revise Rostand, I can certainly revise Martin. The Scottish humor is from a website called Rampant Scotland.

LariLee gets the credit for the coffin/shovel quip, and “kiss frogs, not sleep with them”.

The song Clancy parodied is The Java Jive, by Milton Drake and Ben Oakland, 1940.