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Highly Improbable by Vocalion [Reviews - 14]

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HIGHLY IMPROBABLE


Chapter 24: Some Enchanted Evening!



*~~~*~~~*


"What's our next stop?" Clancy asked Snape, once the sleigh was airborne.

"A quiet room somewhere. Any local Muggle establishment will do."

"Shouldn't you have made an advance reservation?"

"Why would I reserve a room before knowing whether you would agree to share it with me?"

"I understand your reasoning, but this is Hogmanay. All the hotels will be booked with tourists. We may not be able to find a room. Besides, you're ill at ease around Muggles. Aren't there any wizarding hotels around here?"

"None that I know of. I Flooed to Diagon Alley and exchanged Galleons at Gringotts for Muggle currency. I thought you might find a Muggle hotel more comfortable."

"That was very thoughtful of you, Severus, but after spending more than a year at Hogwarts, I've become used to living in the 19th Century."

Snape searched Clancy's face. "Do you plan on remaining at Hogwarts?"

"That's an odd question to ask. What do you think?"

Snape reached for her hand. "I think," he began hesitantly, "that you would be better off with your own kind."

"Severus! Does it still bother you that I'm not from your world?"

"Yes, Clancy, in all honesty, it does -- but not for the reason you might think."

"I don't know what you mean." Clancy regarded Snape quizzically, expecting him to elaborate.

"It is not so much a matter of inferiority as it is concern for your safety."

She squeezed his hand. "I've never thought you were inferior, Severus. You mustn't be so hard on yourself."

Snape bristled. "I wasn't referring to ME!"

Clancy withdrew her hand. "Surely you weren't referring to ME!"

Snape exhaled deeply in an effort to calm himself. "I was merely prefacing my remark, and you drew the wrong inference. What I wished to convey, is that you would not be able to defend yourself with magic should the necessity arise."

"Why would it? I'd have you to protect me. Isn't that why you gave me the Summoning Bell?"

"Yes, but it will only be beneficial if I am free to come to you. There may be times in the future in which another...commitment would take precedence."

Clancy decided she didn't care for the sound of that. "What's her name?" she demanded.

"What is whose name?"

"Your other 'commitment'. Is she blonde or brunette?"

"Once again, you have arrived at the wrong conclusion."

"I see. A redhead!"

Snape glared at Clancy. "I am not involved with another woman!"

"Then suppose you explain to me in plain English what it is you're driving at?"

"Merely this: There is more to me than meets the eye. I have obligations to fulfill. Forming a close alliance with me could put you at risk."

"Don't make me laugh! How could my association with you prove dangerous? You're a Potions master. You spend your days teaching children how to chop up vile ingredients to brew in cauldrons. It's not as if you're a glamorous secret agent defending the Wizarding world against imminent domination by a diabolical super villain!"

"No, I suppose not," Snape conceded in frustration. To lighten the mood, he reached for the thermos in his overcoat pocket. "Suppose we toast the New Year early with some hot cocoa?"

"Fine with me."

Unscrewing the lid, Snape's hypersensitive nose detected the presence of alcohol. "Someone tampered with this while I was out of the staff room. This is rum punch! I detect the odor of Firewhisky too," he added.

"Are you sure?"

"Quite sure." Snape held the thermos under Clancy's nose.

"Yes, you're right. The smell of rum is unmistakable. We'll have just a sip, then, for our toast. I don't approve of alcohol any more than you do, despite the impression I gave you that night at the Leaky Cauldron."

"Very well," Snape agreed, "but only because this is a very special occasion." He poured a trifling amount into the cup and offered it to Clancy. "You may make the first toast."

Raising the cup, Clancy said, "To love, honesty, and lasting unions!" She swallowed a drop and made a horrible face. "Much too strong; it doesn't agree with me." She handed the cup to Snape.

Snape's reaction to her toast was an equally unpleasant expression. "Carpe diem," he countered, then sampled the punch, rolling it around his palate critically.

"And the night, too, Severus?" Clancy teased.

"That was implied." Refilling the cup, Snape declared, "I find this quite flavorful. My throat is parched. I believe I will have a bit more." He drained the cup.

"Do you really think you should, Severus? If you're not used to drinking, even a small amount of alcohol can make you tipsy. It tasted quite strong to me. Please be careful."

"Nonsense," Snape refuted. "I am fully in control, and I know my limitations. The punch is having no effect on me whatsoever." He filled the cup again.

"I suggest you wait a few minutes before drinking any more, just to make sure."

Disregarding her advice, Snape tossed down another cup, then another, until the thermos was drained. "Quite flavorful, indeed," he pronounced, smacking his lips.

They flew on, for a time, in silence. Clancy waited patiently for Snape to speak. "Reach into my coat pocket," he said, at last, smiling mysteriously.

"What for?"

"Must you question everything I say? There's a gift in there for you, if you must know."

"Really?" She felt in his pocket and pulled out a small, black velvet box. "Severus!" Clancy squealed excitedly. "Is this what I think it is?"

"The best way to find out is to open it."

It's a ring! I know it's a ring, she chanted silently. I HOPE it's a ring. PLEASE let it be a ring! Opening the box, Clancy's face fell. "It's a...pineapple pin," she observed, unable to conceal her disappointment.

"I found it in a shop in Diagon Alley. It reminded me of our little adventure. Do you like it?"

"It's...sweet."

"On the back is an inscription: 'From S to L'. Snapini to Lulu."

"Thank you, Severus." She leaned over to kiss him. "It's...sweet," she repeated.

"Would you like me to pine the pinapple on you?" Snape inquired.

Clancy looked as Snape suspiciously. "What did you say?"

"I said, would you like me to apple the pin on your pine?" Snape regarded Clancy intently, as if trying to remember who she was. "Have I ever told you how beautiful you think I am?"

"No, I don't believe you have." You consummate ass!

"Well, I am, you know."

"I always suspected as much." You faun's behind!

Snape smiled broadly. "Sling me a little song."

"Severus, you're tight. If you were sober, you'd never ask me to sing."

Snape cleared his throat and rubbed his face. "I am feeling chari...chat...caritable." Snape frowned and slouched lower in the seat. He began absently flapping the horse's reins. "Sing!" he insisted. "You will sound mush better when you're drunk."

Clancy cocked her head, astonished by the complete collapse of Snape's sentence structure. In spite of her growing annoyance, she found his behavior rather amusing. "What would you like to hear?"

"Something Scosh for Hogmanay!" he urged enthusiastically. So taken with the idea of music, Snape forgot that he was driving. Without direction, the horse began flying in circles.

Clancy began:

"Oh, ye'll take the high road and I'll take the low road,
And I'll be in Scotland afore ye.
For me and my true love will never meet again,
On the bonnie, bonnie banks of Loch Lomond."

Snape grew maudlin. "Sad...so sad." He shook his head, "I mushed be rat-arsed," he admitted, underlining his conclusion with a thunderous belch.

Clancy noticed that the sleigh was floundering. "Severus, are we heading in any particular direction?"

He glanced at the reins dangling from his hands, and made a show of rearranging his grip. "We're traveling weshed by sownorth," Snape replied with conviction, before belching, again.

"I think you'd better take us down. You're higher than this sleigh, I'm afraid. There are some lights below--a small town? How far from Hogwarts do you think we are?"

"Far enough," Snape decided, leering crookedly before resting his head on her shoulder.

"Hold that thought." Clancy took the reins from him. "Down," she directed, tugging on them and praying the horse would understand. The winged horse obeyed, landing them safely near the outskirts of the village.

Clancy turned to Snape. "Severus, try to sit up. You're putting too much weight on my shoulder." She gave him a shove at the precise moment he leaned away, sending him nearly tumbling from the sleigh.

"We're down," he noted, head hanging over the edge. "Why?"

"We're waiting for you to sober up."

Snape looked at Clancy earnestly. He blinked. "You're angry?"

"No," she assured him, realizing that was true. "It's not your fault -- it's the demon rum talking."

He looked relieved. "Thought it was me talking." Snape lunged at Clancy and gave her a sloppy, rum-flavored kiss.

"Professor, you may be smashed, but I'm certainly not complaining." Clancy did feel sorry for Snape, but she couldn't resist having a little fun. "Say something in Latin, Severus. It turns me on."

"Indeed? Slavelmezoticum malumrenina" he mumbled in her ear.

"That sounded like complete gibberish to me. Care to try again?"

"Salve, mea exoticum malum regina," Snape managed with difficulty.

"Translation, please?"

"Greetings, my lovely pineapple princess!"

Clancy giggled. This is going to be interesting. I wonder how much I can get him to reveal about himself while his guard is down? "Severus?" she purred. "How many women have you known intimately?"

"None," Snape volunteered effortlessly.

"What? You're a virgin?"

"No, I just don't ask for names."

"You mean you've been frequenting witches of the evening?" Clancy's stomach lurched. "Since you've known me?"

Snape shrugged. "Yes, since I've known you, but...not since I returned you to Hogwarts last September. They were just bodies in the dark -- nothing more. A moment's respite from the futility of hope. Why not? I'm an ugly greasy git, aren't I? What woman would choose to be with me if I didn't pay her?" he asked reasonably.

Clancy's anger and revulsion dissolved into understanding, if not full acceptance. "Me, for one," she confessed softly, linking her arm with his.

What had she done? Her intention had been to extract information from Snape about his prior experience with women. Instead, he had admitted to her something best kept private, and had given her a glimpse of his vulnerability. Clancy had never loved him more than she did at that moment -- or thought less of herself.

She sighed. "Let's ride into the village. It must be getting close to midnight. Do you think you'll be able to place another Disillusionment Charm on the horse?"

"I can...try." Snape aimed his wand at the horse, bungled the incantation, but, after several attempts, succeeded in applying the charm. She reminded him to remove the Warming Charm, as well.

Clancy took the reins. When they reached the village, they found the main street packed with revellers. Spotting a deserted alley, she guided the horse into it and halted the sleigh. "Wait here," she told Snape. "I'll be back shortly."

Snape did not protest. Leaning back against the seat, he closed his eyes and groaned.

Within minutes, Clancy found a constable who provided her with directions to a boarding stable and the village's only inn, located above a pub. Hurrying back to Snape, she drove the sleigh to the stable and made arrangements with the night groom. Rousting Snape, she supported his arm, helping him walk the several long blocks to the Kilty Pleasures Tavern.

"I doubt we'll find a room," Clancy fretted, as they pushed their way through the crowd of celebrants, "but at least I can order you some strong tea."

Snape hadn't spoken since they left the sleigh. He was concentrating on the difficult art of walking. He held himself erect, though his gait was unsteady.

Rounding the corner, they were engulfed in a sea of merrymakers counting down the last seconds of the year, then raising shouts of "Happy New Year!" Bells rang out from the village kirk. Amidst the confusion of noise and jollity, Clancy paused to kiss Snape. "Happy New Year, Severus," she breathed.

Snape grunted. "Doubt it."

Arriving outside the entrance to the tavern, Clancy dropped her bag when Snape stumbled against her. "Go in ahead of me. I'm right behind you," Clancy advised as she bent to pick up her purse.

As Snape stepped inside, he was greeted by enthusiastic cheering. The proprietor rushed over and vigorously pumped the dazed wizard's hand. Neither Snape nor Clancy had the slightest idea what was going on.

"It's the First Footing!" the landlord explained in answer to their bewildered expressions. "If the first person to pass through the door in the New Year is a tall, dark stranger, that's a sign of good fortune. You've brought us luck! Drinks for all!" he announced to the patrons, before escorting Snape and Clancy to a table. As they took their seats, the landlord asked Snape, "You wouldn't have a bottle of whisky or some shortbread with you, by any chance?"

"No, he doesn't," Clancy answered for Snape.

"It's the custom to bring an offering, but you're tall and dark, and that'll do."

A barmaid passed by with a tray of drinks. The innkeeper seized two glasses of whisky and set them down on the table. "A Guid New Year to you both!" he said, before heading back to the bar.

From across the room, someone sat down at an ancient piano and began playing "Auld Lang Syne". Clancy joined in the singing while Snape downed his whisky and emptied Clancy's glass, as well.

"Severus," Clancy moaned, when she realized what he had done, "why are you still drinking? The idea is to get you sobered up."

"Still thirsty," he told her defiantly. Clancy huffed in exasperation.

Pub patrons began making toasts as a good excuse to guzzle more whisky. "To Robbie Burns!" offered a man seated in a booth nearby.

"To Rob Roy MacGregor!" bellowed a swarthy brute.

"To the famous HARRY!" shouted the pianist.

Snape smashed his glass down hard against the table. It bounced out of his hand to fall off the table and roll away. "Blast it all! Even Muggles know bleeding Potter?"

"Calm yourself, Severus," Clancy said, patting his hand. "Do you see the photograph above the piano? The one of a man in a kilt?"

Snape squinted, trying without success to bring the room into focus. Giving up the attempt, he sprawled back in his chair.

"That's Sir Harry Lauder, an old Muggle music hall entertainer," Clancy went on. It's him they're toasting, not Potter." She noticed Snape's posture. "Severus, please put your knees together. You're not wearing any trousers or underwear, remember?"

"I'm not? Did you take them from me, again?"

"No, you did it all by yourself this time. Now, please put your knees together." Clancy nudged Snape's legs, then closed up the gap in his overcoat. "Can you stay out of trouble long enough for me to inquire about a room?"

"I want to go to bed."

"So do I. Stay put." Clancy left Snape and walked over to the bar to have a word with the proprietor. "Excuse me," she began. "Is it possible to find a room here for the night?"

"There's but one left. Yours it might be," the innkeeper said with a wink, "if you have a quick wit. I've kept back a room as the prize in our New Year's contest. I was just about to make the announcement when you came up." He ambled around the bar to the center of the room.

"Your ears, lads and lassies: If you're needing a bed, or just a cozy spot to slake your thirst into the wee hours, gather 'round the bar and try your luck at our New Year's puzzler. Make us laugh with the words 'liver' and 'cheese', and the prize is yours!"

I've got to win that room for us, Clancy told herself.

A number of patrons gathered at the bar, eager to compete. Clancy ordered strong tea for Snape, hoping something clever would occur to her while she waited. She caught Snape's eye, smiled warmly, and waved. He blinked at her.

A stout, middle-aged man with ruddy cheeks contributed, "Liver makes me quiver, and cheese makes me sneeze." No one laughed, so he slunk back to his seat at a far table.

THINK! Clancy chided herself. No one needs that room more than we do. Think of something to say -- ANYTHING!

Several more contestants tried to impress the proprietor. An old man offered, "Now is the liver of our discontent, made glorious summer by this son of cheese." He was hooted down.

Still waiting for Snape's tea, Clancy found herself the target of a young man's unwanted attention. Well in his cups, a regimental officer began rubbing her back with his hand. She didn't care for the way his sporran was protruding against her hip. She moved away, but he pursued.

Snape watched idly until he could stand it no longer. From somewhere deep within his fuzzy brain, he retrieved a vague recollection of what his legs were for; he used them to lurch unsteadily toward Clancy's assailant. Grabbing the lout roughly by the shoulder, Snape pulled him away from Clancy and shoved him up against the bar. With utmost drunken dignity, Snape boomed, "LIVERALONE -- CHEESEWITHME!"

"Brilliant!" the innkeeper proclaimed. "The First Footer is the winner!"

After much backslapping and another round of drinks on the house, the innkeeper showed the weary couple to their room.


*~~~*~~~*


"Are you feeling any better, Severus? Did the tea help?" Clancy asked him as she hung the "Do not disturb" sign outside the door.

"No," Snape answered inaccurately. In fact, his speech had improved. Staggering toward the bed, he collapsed onto it with a thud. "Where are we?"

"We're staying at the Kilty Pleasures Inn and Tavern," Clancy informed him. "Room Number 7." She pulled back the bedcovers and helped Snape off with his boots.

"Lucky Room Number 7," Snape repeated, studying his feet.

"That's right, lucky Room Number 7." You'll be lucky if you don't pass out in the next seven minutes.

"Why are we here?" Snape inquired.

"Once you've sobered up, hopefully, it will all come back to you." Clancy wrestled Snape out of his overcoat, then began the monumental task of unfastening the long row of buttons. The reek of Snape's whisky breath in her face ruined the fun. Frock coat at last removed, Clancy asked, "Would you like me to help you take off your shirt?"

"Yes, but leave my socks on," Snape insisted, happily contemplating his feet. "They're beautiful socks. Best I've ever seen. I want them near me. Always."

After pulling off his shirt, Clancy prodded Snape to move so she could lift the bedcovers on his side and tuck him in. Kissing him on the forehead, she grabbed her bag and disappeared into the bathroom. A short time later, she emerged wearing a diaphanous, black nightgown.

Her entrance met with a loud snore. Lanky limbs akimbo, Snape had sprawled across the bed, leaving very little room for Clancy. She turned off the light and crawled in next to him. Here I am, Clancy lamented, at the Kilty Pleasures Inn, abed with a whisky-soaked wizard. Happy New Year!


*~~~*~~~*


Shortly before dawn, Snape awoke with a start. Where in blazes was he? His head was pounding and his mouth was as dry as the desert. He staggered to the bathroom, turned on the tap and gulped water for long minutes before slapping more water onto his face. Peering at himself in the mirror, he groaned, "Merlin!" then shut the door.

Stumbling back into the room, he saw Clancy, and stood there, stunned. Vague images of the prior night drifted back, but he had no idea what he had done after drinking the rum punch. Had they made love?

Scowling, Snape located his clothing on a chair and fumbled about for his wand and a potions phial that was in his coat pocket. Returning to the bathroom, he applied charms to clean his teeth and freshen his breath. After a long shower, he concluded that the Cruciatus curse had nothing on a hangover. If the Dark Lord ever discovered the true power of liquor, the world was done for.

Snape thought of Clancy. When she awoke, he would find out what happened last night. He cringed, worrying that he had made a fool of himself. He would have to hope for the best. In the meantime, he would fortify himself on the outside chance that today she might still want him.

Pulling the stopper off the phial, he gulped its red-liquid contents. Shuddering, Snape realized his horrible mistake as he felt his body temperature plummet. One look in the mirror confirmed his error. "Blast! What have I done now?" he shrieked.

Snape began shivering violently. He put on his overcoat, then raced back to the bed, where he plunged in and yanked the covers up over his ears. Shivering, he pulled Clancy into his arms.

Clancy stirred, delighted to feel Snape's body pressing against her back. She smiled at the welcome weight of his arm wrapped tightly around her. Dawn was breaking, its light filtering into the room, turning the darkness into muted tones of gray. "Severus," she whispered happily. Then, she remembered last night. "How are you feeling?"

"Cold," he said, teeth chattering. "Terribly cold."

Concerned, Clancy began to roll toward him. "NO! Stay as you are!" Snape commanded, clamping his hand on her head to prevent her from turning.

"Why? I don't look that bad in the morning, do I?"

"Clancy, listen to me. Something...unexpected has happened. Promise me that you won't overreact."

"Come out with it, will you?" Confused and anxious, Clancy said, "The longer you stall, the more upset I'm getting."

"I'm invisible," Snape moaned miserably.

"There's no need for insecurity, Severus. I know most women can't see you for dust, but that doesn't include me. Surely, after our experience in the pond last night, you shouldn't have such doubts."

"I am speaking LITERALLY, NOT FIGURATIVELY! I AM INVISIBLE!"

"You're still drunk," Clancy accused.

"That's not it, I tell you! I will allow you to turn around if you promise not to scream. On second thought," Snape decided, reaching for his wand with his free hand, "I'd better place a Silencing Charm on the room -- just in case."

"I won't scream," Clancy promised. "May I turn around, now?"

"You may as well," Snape said with resignation.

Clancy turned, looking at the space where Snape should have been. She drew in her breath sharply and shrieked. The bedcovers were raised and Clancy could feel his body against hers, but only his overcoat was there. "Severus! I can't see you!"

"At last, you've grasped the situation."

"But, how--"

"Don't ask. Please don't ask," he said, mortified that he had snatched up an experimental Invisibility Potion instead of the Invigorating Potion he had intended to bring along last night. Still, he would have to tell her something. "It's just a slight mistake I made with a potion."

Clancy reached her hand up, trying to feel Snape's face.

"Ouch!" he howled. "You just poked me in the eye!"

"I'm sorry. I can't see your eyes. How long is this condition supposed to last?"

"I'm not entirely certain. This potion wasn't quite ready to test on humans. With mice and toads, it lasts approximately twelve hours. I am predicting that appendages will reappear first, followed by the extremities; the torso follows later."

"But, why are you so cold?" Clancy asked.

"It is a side-effect of the potion, but it wears off quickly. I'm already beginning to feel warmer."

Clancy watched as Snape's overcoat rose from the bed, floated across the room, then collapsed onto a chair. A pair of argyle socks came stomping toward the bed. A depression appeared on the mattress, the socks took their position near the footboard, and the bedcovers turned themselves up. Another depression appeared on Snape's pillow, then Clancy felt a hand traveling down her hip and thigh.

"Severus?"

"Hmm?"

"May I ask just what it is you think you're doing?"

"If memory serves, I believe it is called foreplay."

"I have another name for it: Prelude to a fist!" Clancy backed away to the very edge of the bed. Glaring angrily at nothing in particular, she saw a faint shimmer transform into a large, asymmetrical lump with two dark holes at the bottom. "Severus, your nose has returned," she informed him coldly.

"So it has," Snape noted happily. "That's good news. Why did you pull away from? Don't you want me to make love to you?"

"I refuse to make love to a nose and a pair of argyle socks!"

"Just what do you propose we do all morning, instead?"

"I suggest we sleep in for several more hours. Afterward, I'll order breakfast. By then, I may be able to overlook your disgraceful performance last night."

So, they had made love last night. It hadn't gone well; that much was clear. "It was that bad?" he squeaked.

"Bad? You were dreadful. I can honestly say no man has ever disappointed me more."

"Perhaps we should return to Hogwarts," Snape suggested in a very low voice.

"How can we with you in your present condition? Even if we could, have you nothing to say to me?"

"Such as?"

"An apology for last night, your feelings toward me; anything along those lines," Clancy prompted.

Bollocks, now she wants to rub my nose in it -- taunt me for my failure, the heartless chit. "I prefer not speak about my emotions," Snape told her.

"Fine, have it your way, then. I know perfectly well how you feel about me, so expressing it in words isn't necessary. You're a coward."

"I am far from a coward! Need I remind you that your safety and well-being may depend on me?" Snape shot back.

"Oh, yes. There's 'more to you than meets the eye'. Isn't that how you phrased it? Under present conditions, you'd be hard put to convince me of that!"

"Thank you," Snape returned, "for your sensitivity and compassion. It's just as well that I learn how you behave when I'm not at my best. As for you knowing my true feelings, that is quite impossible. My mind is impenetrable. I have the ability to block my thoughts."

Clancy smirked at the disembodied nose tilted skyward, conveying an absurd air of condescension. "Skip the posing, Severus. At the moment, you've never been more transparent."





AUTHOR'S NOTES:

Loch Lomond
~Traditional

LIVERALONE -- CHEESEWITHME: I do not drink. I do not know any bar jokes. I web-searched "bar humor" and that line turned up. The original joke has something to do with three dogs at a bar.

Many thanks to Ms G, for acquainting me with the term "rat-arsed", and for working in a building housing Latin scholars. I will bet this is the first time a scholar who does archaeological work at Pompeii has been called upon to translate "Greetings, my lovely pineapple princess" into Latin!










Highly Improbable by Vocalion [Reviews - 14]

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