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Highly Improbable by Vocalion [Reviews - 9]

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HIGHLY IMPROBABLE


Chapter 20: A Fine Romance!



*~~~*~~~*


A fine romance, my good fellow,
You take romance, I'll take Jell-O.
You're calmer than the seals in the Arctic Ocean,
At least they flap their fins to express emotion.



*~~~*~~~*


As winter approached, Clancy's Mooncalves and Hinkypunks were in a mad frenzy, rehearsing for the Yule Concert. This year, Clancy had persuaded Professor Dumbledore to allot school funds to purchase costumes and props for the choirs. Due to the cancellation of last term's Spring Concert, she was eager to stage a unique performance and showcase her pupils' talents. She was determined, in fact, that this would be the most opportune time for Eloise Midgen to make her solo debut - IF the poor girl could overcome her self-consciousness.

Clancy's friendship with Remus Lupin blossomed, and so did her relationship with Snape. It was still too soon to categorize the nature of their relationship, but he had definitely warmed to her.

Snape's public persona had not changed in the least: He was as harsh with his students as he had ever been. He began spending long hours experimenting with new potions, when he should have been thinking about how to court Clancy. In all these months, not a single idea had occurred to him.

They had been spending a good deal more time together. Several evenings a week, Snape visited Clancy in her room to hear her tell Aunt Hilly stories. Snape sat, entranced, as Clancy told him of their aunt's charming idiosyncrasies.

She shared her stories and her jokes - all the things Snape had missed as a child, due to his grandfather's cruelty. Clancy assumed that once Snape learned that he truly had been loved as a child, the knowledge would surely remove his persistent gloom, but to her dismay, her strategy seemed to have little effect.

Snape and Clancy continued to experience convergent dreams. One night, in mid-December, they dreamed they were seated at the High Table observing the Sorting ceremony. As the Sorting concluded, Professor McGonagall made a motion to remove the Sorting Hat from its perch upon the four-legged stool.

"Not so fast, Professor!" the Hat called out. "Please find a seat, and I will advise you when it is time to return me to the headmaster's office. Now then," the Hat continued, "it has come to my attention that we have among us two Hogwarts teachers who are very much in love and are longing to be together. Something, however, seems to be standing in their way, so tonight I have decided to become the Courting Hat!"

The Hat began to sing:


"You may not quite believe me

When I tell you I possess,

The wisdom to advise you

When your love life's in a mess.

But I can make the perfect match

'Tween most unlikely pairs,

There may be those who doubt me,

But I've had my own affairs.

Many, many years ago

I loved a fair young bonnet,

With hardly any work at all,

I won her with a sonnet.

And then, my sweetheart made of straw,

Whom I fancied for a day,

I thought that she would be the one,

Till the wind blew her away.

Ah, Gwendolyn, the pillbox!

She was shapely, trim, and lean.

We'd planned to marry till the day

She was sold to the Muggle Queen!

So you see, I have been seasoned

By the frailty of love's whim,

Though never have I chanced to wear

My heart upon my brim.

When you try me on, I'll tell you

Whom you should coax and court.

Do not scoff, for I may be

Your very last resort!

Now, come right up and I will peer

Deep within your soul,

And search your heart until I find

Two halves to make a whole."


"Ladies first," the Courting Hat cried. "Will Miss Norgard please step forward?"

When Clancy heard her name called, she blushed and shrank down into her chair. She looked to Dumbledore for support, but he merely smiled, and indicated that she must do as the Courting Hat instructed. Reluctantly, Clancy sat down on the stool and placed the Hat upon her head.

"Hmm...you do love a challenge," the Hat told her. "Not just any wizard for you, young lady. You crave the greasy bad boys, don't you, my dear? He must possess a keen intellect, though. You need a git with wit! Fire and ice. I believe the only match for you would be...Professor Snape!"

Clancy removed the Hat and returned to her seat. The Courting Hat called for Snape next, and he trudged down to the stool like a condemned prisoner. He placed the Hat upon his head, but it slid off and dropped to the floor. Picking it up, Snape put it back upon his head, then folded his arms and grimaced.

"That's the first time I've lost my hold in centuries!" the Courting Hat complained. "Any woman who takes you as a lover will have to change her bed linens daily!"

Snape snarled and tried to remove the Hat, but this time it held fast to his head.

"Well, well, Professor. You may be a skilled Occlumens, but I can read you like an open book. You need someone to bring you out of the doldrums--a woman with an eye for the unusual and an exceptionally strong stomach! She'll have to be very tolerant, though, and possess a tongue as sharp as your own. I'd better match you with...Miss Norgard!"

As the dream faded, Clancy giggled in her sleep and caressed her pillow, imagining that it was Severus. Snape woke in a feverish sweat. He buried his face against his pillow, and the sharp end of a protruding goose feather poked him in the eye.


*~~~*~~~*


The next afternoon after the choirs had finished rehearsing, Clancy joined Lupin in his office for tea. She found him arranging some personal items in his trunk.

"Come in, Clancy," Lupin invited, greeting her with a welcoming smile.

"Still unpacking, Remus? You've been here over three months!"

"I'm only just beginning to feel as if I really belong here," Lupin explained. He removed a framed picture from his trunk and showed it to Clancy. "This is a photograph of my parents. It was taken shortly after their marriage. Do you have an eye for design?"

"I believe so. Most women do. Why do you ask?"

"I'd like to hang this on the wall, and I've never been any good at deciding where things should go. Would you care to help me?

"I'll try."

"All right. Step over there by the window, if you will, and I'll move the picture around the walls with my wand. You can tell me where you think it looks best."

Just then, Snape arrived outside Lupin's door to deliver a goblet of Wolfsbane Potion. The door was slightly ajar, and he became curious when he heard Clancy's voice coming from the other side. He could not see inside Lupin's office, so he pressed his ear close to the door to eavesdrop.

"Do you like it there, Clancy?"

"Oh, yes, Remus. It's marvelous, but could you try it a little lower?"

"Just tell me where you want it."

"I never knew doing this could be so much fun! I could go on like this all afternoon!"

"As long as you're enjoying it, I'll keep doing it."

"Let's try it against the other wall for awhile, shall we?"

"Anywhere you like. We can try it everywhere in the room."

"I'm game if you are, Remus."

"How is that, now?"

"That's the best position yet!"

Snape was livid. Had Clancy been deceiving him with Lupin? He decided to listen for a while longer.

"Look, Remus! We've got the grindylow smiling. He's certainly a horny little devil, isn't he?"

"Yes, they're rather curious creatures, you know."

"He's pressing his little face up against the tank to watch us."

"Well, if he's enjoying the show, I may as well keep it up a while longer. How do you like it there?"

"Oh...wonderful...keep it right...there."

"Shall I hammer it in, now?"

"Oh...yes!"

Snape had heard quite enough. He was ready to slay Lupin with his bare hands! He burst through the door, expecting to catch them in an act of unbridled passion.

"Aha!" he shouted triumphantly.

Clancy stood near the window; Lupin was seated behind his desk. They both turned to regard Snape, puzzled by his theatrical entrance.

"May I help you, Severus?" Lupin inquired.

Snape attempted to regain his composure and his dignity. "No. I thought...well, never mind what I thought. I've brought your potion." He thrust the goblet at Lupin, eyed Clancy scathingly, and then backed out of the room bristling with indignation.

"What do you suppose that was about?" Clancy asked Lupin.

"I haven't the foggiest idea. Severus was always an enigmatic fellow, even during our school days."

"You never told me that the two of you were at school together! What was he like as a boy?"

"Much the same as he is now, I'm afraid - reclusive, bitter. Of course, he was teased and bullied a great deal by a couple of Gryffindor boys. They were two of my best friends, strangely enough."

"Why was Severus bullied?"

"House rivalries played a part, to be sure, but mostly because he was different. I tried to stay above it all, but in retrospect, I should have made an effort to prevent it. We were all a pack of brash, young fools back then."

"I can't imagine that you were ever a fool, Remus."

"I wasn't the worst of the lot, but I had my impetuous moments."

"You and your friends were quite popular with the girls, I suspect."

Lupin grinned. "One of our group in particular was a bit of a show-off, and a formidable Quidditch player. He used to swagger about, trying to impress all the pretty girls. Sometimes, he acted like such a prat, he'd find himself without a date when we went into Hogsmeade on weekends."

"What did he do then, go stag?"

Lupin smiled cryptically. "Yes, Clancy. As a matter of fact, he often did!"


*~~~*~~~*


The next morning when the owl post arrived, Clancy received a letter. She opened it and began to read: If you are not otherwise engaged for the evening, would you consider accompanying me on a sleigh ride after dinner? A nod of affirmation will serve as your answer. S.

Clancy was taken aback. It was just like Snape, she thought, to be so proper and formal. But, what a marked improvement it was that he actually wanted to spend time alone with her in a romantic setting! At least, she hoped that was what he had in mind.

She looked over at him and nodded her acceptance. Expressionless, Snape returned her nod with a barely perceptible one of his own.


*~~~*~~~*


After dinner, Snape paced impatiently in the entryway, waiting for Clancy to join him. At last, she descended the staircase.

"What kept you?" he demanded.

"I needed to go up to my room to get my coat and mittens."

"Let's be off then, shall we? I'll apply a Warming Charm to the inside of the sleigh. You won't be cold," Snape promised. He held the castle door open for Clancy as she passed through, then guided her toward the waiting sleigh.

"A Warming Charm? What a brilliant idea! I'm surprised Remus didn't think of that last night when he took me sleighing."

Snape stopped in his tracks. So much for originality and creativity! Clancy had already put a damper on his evening. "Lupin," he muttered. "Are you certain my company won't pale in comparison to that of the fascinating Remus Lupin?"

"I don't believe so, Severus."

Snape silently helped Clancy into the sleigh, applied the Warming Charm, and took the reins. The horse began to trot, and the sleigh slid smoothly over the newly-fallen snow in the direction of the Quidditch pitch. The night was clear and filled with stars.

"We will remain within the castle grounds to avoid the dementors," Snape decided.

"As you wish. Remus suggested the same thing last night."

"If you mention that man's name one more time, I will eject you from this sleigh and deposit you face down into the nearest snowdrift!"

Clancy moved closer to Snape and linked her arm with his. "No, you won't," she said softly.

"Bah! It was your very good fortune that there wasn't a full moon last night."

She pulled away from Snape. "You can stop right now with your snide remarks! Remus told me about his condition months ago."

Snape gaped at her, amazed. "He told you? Condition, eh? Is that how he refers to it, these days? He might have torn you limb from limb by now, were it not for my Wolfsbane Potion."

Clancy took umbrage at Snape's haughtiness. "You needn't take any bows. Remus has already acknowledged his gratitude to you."

Snape drew in the reins, stopping the sleigh. "That's it!"

"That's what?"

"That's twice you've mentioned his name after I warned you not to. I spot a convenient snowdrift directly ahead."

"You wouldn't dare!"

"Do you promise to behave?"

"I promise not to bring up the name of a certain Dark Arts professor, but I don't promise to behave!"

Snape regarded Clancy coolly, but the corners of his mouth turned up. With a flick of the reins, he signaled the horse to move on. "You may take my arm again, if you so desire," he said.

"Is that your way of flirting with me, Professor?" Clancy asked mockingly.

"I do not flirt. I merely offer. It is entirely up to you whether you wish to accept or decline."

With no further discussion, Clancy snuggled closer, took Snape's arm, and leaned her head against his shoulder. "We're making great strides this evening. Who knows where tonight may lead us?"

Snape sniffed. "Meaning?"

"Meaning, that in spite of your Warming Charm, I am still feeling a bit of a chill."

"I see." Snape transferred the reins to one hand and placed his free arm around Clancy's shoulder. "Is this better?"

"Much."

After circling the Quidditch pitch, they made their way down to the lakeshore. Snape halted the sleigh near the water's edge. The moonlight flickered upon the rippled surface of the frozen lake, and played across the tangles of Snape's oily locks.

"You're planning to attend the Yule Concert tomorrow night, aren't you, Severus?"

"It was tolerable last year. I suppose I can suffer through it again this season. Which reminds me," Snape said, reaching into his pocket, "I have something for you." He handed a small box to Clancy.

"What is this?" she inquired with a surprised smile. "Are you giving me my Christmas present, early?"

"I do not give Christmas gifts, at least, I haven't in the past. This has nothing to do with Christmas. As a matter of fact, this isn't even for you."

She looked at Snape, perplexed. "I see. Well then, shall I open it now to find out what it is I won't be receiving?"

"By all means."

Clancy removed the lid and found a potions phial inside. Feeling a pang of disappointment, she quipped, "And, what would this be - another dose of Veritaserum so you can learn the names of all my former lovers to contact them for references?"

Snape began choking violently until he gasped for air, motioning Clancy to slap his back. She obliged with rather more vigor than required.

"How...how did you...find out?" he wheezed.

Clancy was furious. "Then it is true! It was only a hunch, but you've just confessed! You're CONTEMPTIBLE!"

"Who told you about Veritaserum?"

"I really can't say."

"You mean, you won't say!"

"I mean, I can't say. You asked me not to mention his name!"

Snape's plan for a romantic evening was snowballing out of control. "I'm sorry, Clancy," he admitted, looking chagrined, but not particularly contrite. "Will you forgive me if I promise never to deceive you, again?"

"I don't know. How much faith should I put in the promise of liar?"

"What do you wish for me to do then, take you back to the castle?"

"Explain to me why you did it, and relate to me everything I said, and I may consider forgiving you."

Snape was trapped, and he knew it. "I looked through your purse and found the pictures. I needed to know about Aunt Hilly."

"Is that all? You just could have asked. Why drug me?"

"It isn't easy for me to give my trust to anyone. I've been disappointed too many times in the past."

"Yes, I'm beginning to know the feeling. Did I reveal anything else of interest?"

Snape clenched his jaw and closed his eyes tightly, striving against his inner demons. "Yes," he managed to hiss.

"Well?"

Snape squirmed. He climbed down from the sleigh, and began to pace back and forth in the snow. Finally, out of breath and out of ideas, he stopped, and glared hatefully up at the moon.

Just then, a large black dog emerged from behind a nearby tree. The dog ran up to Snape and proceeded to urinate against Snape's leg.

"There's a good boy!" Clancy praised. Her black ally looked over at her and wagged his tail. He approached the sleigh and stood up on his hind legs to greet her. She patted him on the head, and he licked her hand. Before he scampered away, she could have sworn the dog winked at her!

Snape returned to the sleigh. "Have you concocted a likely story, yet?" Clancy inquired.

"ALL RIGHT! Here's the TRUTH!" Snape swallowed hard and began, "In spite of the fact that you consider me to be as ugly as sin, you confessed to being in love with me. You said that you wanted me to make love to you, but only after I had courted you. You went on to say that you wanted romance, but you couldn't define precisely what that meant. This whole evening has been my rather clumsy attempt to provide you with what I THOUGHT would make you HAPPY! And now, before this night turns any worse, I shall return you to the castle!"

Clancy gave in to a laughing jag that continued for several minutes. She howled and snorted, holding on to her aching ribcage. Snape sat stone-faced, waiting for it to subside. When, at last, she composed herself, she said, "That's so utterly preposterous, it can only be true! Now that you know all of my secrets, where do we go from here?"

"I suggest that we both try to forget this unfortunate evening, and that you consent to giving me another chance."

"All right, but if I ever catch you in another lie, I will kick you from here to Dundee and never speak to you again!"

"Agreed. Now, aren't you the least bit curious about what is in that phial?"

Clancy looked down at the phial in her hand. "Yes, actually, I am."

"It's for Eloise Midgen. I've been experimenting with different ingredients, trying to create an effective Acne Potion. This won't cure her, but if you give her the potion thirty minutes before the performance, her skin will clear long enough for her to sing a solo."

"Severus! I can't believe this! I thought you'd forgotten all about our conversation last spring. You acted as though you were unwilling to help Eloise."

"I never said that I was unwilling to help her; I merely said that I could think of no other solution to her problem at that time."

"What's in this potion?" Clancy asked anxiously.

"It is predominantly strained bubotuber pus reduced to a liquid state, with the addition of ground Veela eyelashes. The rest of the ingredients would no doubt repulse you, so I am rather hesitant to mention them."

"Are you certain that it's safe?"

"Yes, it's quite safe. I've tested it extensively on Mandrakes and achieved excellent results. Contrary to popular opinion, I am not in the habit of poisoning children. Add it to pumpkin juice, and Miss Midgen should find it quite palatable."

Clancy threw her arms around Snape's neck. "Severus, I can't tell you how happy this makes me. Tonight hasn't been a complete loss, after all."

"Then, will you spend Hogmanay with me--if you haven't already made other plans?"

"What about the staff party? Won't we be missed?"

"We can put in a brief appearance, then slip out. I promise you that I will plan something very special."

"It's a date, then. There's no one with whom I'd rather ring in the New Year."

"Clancy?" Snape whispered softly against her ear.

"Yes, Severus?"

"I don't suppose you'd consider spending the night with me in the dungeons, would you?"

She backed away, smiled, and shook her head. "It's much too premature to be discussing that. As for the dungeons, when and if the time is right, I'd much rather bring you up to my level."





AUTHOR'S NOTES:

A Fine Romance
~Lyrics by Dorothy Fields




Highly Improbable by Vocalion [Reviews - 9]

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