HIGHLY IMPROBABLE


Chapter 16: Let's Call The Whole Thing Off!


*~~~*~~~*

Out from the Hedge they came, exiting from the precise spot which they had entered several hours earlier. To Snape and Clancy however, it seemed as though only ten minutes had passed.

"This is peculiar," Snape remarked, as he observed their surroundings. "We've made a complete turn and come out on the same side."

"How can that be?" Clancy asked. "We were proceeding in a straight line."

"I don't know how it happened," Snape replied curtly. "All I know is that I am fatigued, and I feel as though I've walked for miles."

"I feel exactly the same way," Clancy acknowledged. "And what's more, I have the most appalling taste in my mouth. What I wouldn't give right now for a toothbrush! My lips seem rather bruised and tender, as well."

"Now that you mention it, mine do too. Perhaps the leaves of that shrubbery contain toxins that cause skin sensitivity."

"It feels more to me as if I'd been kissed - repeatedly. If I had been though, I'd surely remember it."

"Who could have kissed you? It certainly wasn't me. If I were to ever favor you with a kiss, you would doubtless remember and cherish the experience as the supreme highpoint of your otherwise dull life."

"Taken with yourself, are you Severus?" Clancy replied with disgust. "I'll chalk up your inane comments to weariness, while pointing out that our current condition is the result of your deplorable sense of direction."

"We'll retrace our steps through the Forest to where we entered, then cross down to the lake, after all."

"You're the leader!"

"Do shut it!" Snape hissed. He deliberately took long strides, forcing Clancy to jog to keep up.

"Severus!" she called, trying to catch her breath. "Please stop. I can't continue at this pace. I need to rest, and I'm starving."

Snape stopped so abruptly that Clancy careened into his back, knocking them both to the ground. "You clumsy, dim-witted pest!" Snape shouted into her face.

That did it. Clancy yanked off one of her shoes, and made a motion to crown Snape with it. "Give me that!" he spat, grabbing the shoe. He threw it far into a clump of tall reeds.

"You BEAST! First, my purse - now my SHOE? How am I supposed to make it the rest of the way on ONE SHOE?"

"Hop along like that BLASTED PINEAPPLE! And the next time you attack me will be the sorriest day of your life - if not the last!" He strode away angrily.

Furious, Clancy's eyes narrowed and her heart hammered violently. She tore off her other shoe and hurled it savagely at Snape's head. It missed his skull, but succeeded in grazing his ear.

Snape stopped in his tracks. He casually picked up the makeshift weapon, and flung it into the reeds to join its mate. Then he withdrew Clancy's wand from inside his doublet. He pointed the wand near her feet and uttered, "SERPENTSORTIA!" Instead of a threatening black snake however, the unpredictable wand produced a fluffy, pink, ostrich feather boa.

Clancy picked it up from the ground, and draped it around her neck with a saucy flourish. "Why thank you, Severus. However did you know pink was my color?"

Snape walked slowly toward Clancy with a menacing look in his eye. He placed the wand lengthwise under her nose and flicked it upward with a sharp jerk. With a half bow and a sneer, he presented the wand to her.

Infuriated, she yanked it from him and gouged it into his chest. "EVANES -"

"Don't even THINK IT!" Snape warned with a threatening growl, snatching the wand away.


*~~~*~~~*

Shadows spread across the low hills and meadows as the sun prepared to set. They had made their way out of the Forbidden Forest, but still had to circle around to the lake. Clancy plodded along as best she could with only her socks for footwear. Neither she nor Snape had spoken to the other in hours.

"Two days COMPLETELY WASTED!" Snape said with rancor, at last breaking the silence.

"Yesterday was in part, my fault, but the award for today's poor planning goes exclusively to you!"

They came to a rough-hewn fence, scaled it, and then continued on until it grew too dark to find their way. Stopping, Snape spoke to Clancy. "We will rest here for the night, and get a fresh start in the morning."

"In the middle of an open field?" Clancy protested.

"Do you spy a convenient inn that is invisible to my eyes?"

"No. There aren't any leaves around here, though. What can we use for a cover?"

Snape removed the plaid from around his shoulder, and transfigured it with Clancy's wand into a red tartan blanket. "Well, at least you're good at something," she conceded.

He wandered over to a soft patch of clover, and settled in. "What about dinner?" Clancy wondered. "We haven't eaten since last night."

"Take off your socks," Snape instructed.

"Why?"

"I will see if I can transfigure them into food. Transfigured food is barely palatable, but it's better than nothing, I suppose."

"I wouldn't care to eat anything that came from old dirty socks! Besides, my feet will get cold. Why not use something of yours?"

"I've already contributed my plaid. If you wish to eat, then you must part with something; if not socks, then something else."

"All RIGHT!" She removed one wool sock. "I'll donate this on speculation. See what you can do with it." She handed the sock to Snape, and he transfigured it into a thick lamb chop, which he kept for himself. As he began to eat, Clancy wailed, "Selfish! What about me? That came from my sock, so it should be my lamb chop!"

"I am allowing you to share my blanket, aren't I? Remove your other sock, and I will fashion another."

At this point, Clancy was more hungry than cold, so she sacrificed her last sock. Once the transfiguration was completed, Snape presented the chop to her. "Yours was bigger!" she complained.

"It is the fault of this shoddy wand. Eat, and be satisfied. You have imposed upon my generosity and good nature enough for one day."

"Generosity? You're the most self-centered skinflint I have ever met! Buying the cheapest broom..."

"Let me explain something to you, you overly critical know-nothing, little Muggle: Has it ever occurred to you that I could have Apparated to Hogsmeade at any time and left you stranded? I could be enjoying a tasty meal and a butterbeer at the Three Broomsticks right now!"

That revelation gave Clancy pause. She softened a bit. "No, actually, it hadn't occurred to me. Why haven't you?"

Snape raised both his fists and screamed to the heavens, "BECAUSE DUMBLEDORE TRUSTS ME!"

A short while later, they were huddled together under the blanket, safely tucked away for the night. "Severus?" Clancy ventured.

"Yes?"

"Why do you suppose we quarrel so much?"

"Being thrown together under such stressful conditions would cause any two people to argue. That, coupled with the fact that my opinion is always correct, and you refuse to listen to reason. I rely on logic; you do not."

"I seem to be able to get along with everyone except you. No, there has to be more to it than that. My theory is sexual tension."

"That is absurd," Snape protested feebly. "I am not attracted to you in the least. There is no room in my orderly life for a woman; even if there were, you are not my type."

"Oh, really? Just what is your type?"

"Subservient and mute," Snape shot back.

Something in Snape's delivery amused Clancy, and she began to laugh. "This unfortunate trip must be getting to me. I'm feeling giddy. What you just said was actually funny." She sat up, and pulled the ostrich boa from her neck. Tossing it into the air, she squealed, "Whee!"

Snape regarded her with a bemused expression. "Just for argument's sake, what is your type - your taste in men?"

"I haven't any taste - none at all! Never have, never will!"

Snape began laughing. Both of them relaxed, and inevitably, Clancy found herself back in his arms, just as she had been the night before. This time, she was the first to fall asleep.

Snape lay awake, gently stroking Clancy's hair. Here she is, he thought to himself, clinging to me with blind trust. If she understood my true nature, or if she learned of the things I have done, she would recoil from me. He silently cursed himself and all the stars, then slowly closed his eyes.


*~~~*~~~*

The first of September dawned. Exhausted from walking and very little nourishment, Snape and Clancy overslept. What, the night before had been a fresh, fragrant pasture, had taken on a rank odor. Though Clancy's eyes were tightly closed, the stench awakened her.

"Severus, roll over," she mumbled. "Your breath is atrocious. It's making me ill." She nudged him in the shin with her toe.

Snape's eyes were still shut. "Gladly, if you will stop drooling."

"I don't drool," Clancy protested. An unmistakable noise followed by a particularly foul blast of flatulence, caused her to crack open one eyelid. "Severus?"

"Let me sleep," he muttered.

"Severus, we're not alone."

"That's fine, now let me sleep..."

"We have a visitor."

"Bull."

"That's right."

A throaty snort aroused Snape, and he awoke, covered in mucus, gazing into the nose of a massive, very curious shaggy red bull. Nostrils flaring, the creature pawed the ground next to Snape's chest. Snape drew back in alarm. "Why am I not at all surprised?" he whispered, attempting to remain calm. "Do I really require more proof that you're a jinx?"

"I'm a jinx? Clancy repeated. She had spoken too loudly. The bull turned to study her. She shrank down, whispering, "'We'll rest here for the night, and get a fresh start in the morning', you said. What kind of an IDIOT sets up camp in the middle of a cow pasture?"

"Let's trade insults another time, shall we? Suppose you suggest a plan to extricate us from this predicament," Snape proposed.

"Aren't bulls supposed to be attracted to red? It's this red tartan blanket. As long as it's here, he won't go away. I'll grab it, and distract the bull, while you sidle off toward the fence."

"A Snape does not sidle. I am protecting you, remember?"

"Yes, but it's closer to you. I can wriggle free." Clancy rolled over, sliding the blanket off Snape. "TORO!" Clancy exclaimed, jumping to her feet and waving the cloth like a cape.

The bull shied violently, fortunately in the direction away from Snape, and began trotting in a zigzag pattern, eyeing Clancy. It tossed its head and huffed.

"What do you think you're doing? We're in Scotland!" Snape howled, scrambling to his feet. "This brute doesn't understand Spanish!"

"What now?" Clancy asked, as the bull continued to prance uncertainly before her.

"Hold the blanket off to your side. If it decides to charge, you're in its path."

The bull stopped, and lowered its head. "I'll get its attention," Snape said in a low voice. "Walk slowly -don't run - over to the fence. Once you've made it to safety, then clap or yell, and, hopefully, it'll forget me."

Snape jumped, waving his arms. The bull whirled on its haunch and snorted. Snape stood stock still, only his eyes moving to follow Clancy as she made it over the fence. Then, she clapped, whistled, waved her arms, and did all that she could think of to lure the bull away from Snape, but the bull was no longer interested in her. The animal planted itself in front of the wizard and lowered its head, not to charge, but to eat clover. When Snape tried to move, the bull looked up. He pawed the ground. Snape held still once more.

"It's your kilt!" Clancy called. "It keeps waving in the breeze, catching his eye. Take it off!"

"WHAT?" Snape jeered. "Never."

"You stubborn nitwit! TAKE OFF YOUR KILT!"

With no other choice, Snape let the kilt fall to the ground, revealing his underwear. The bull huffed again, before returning to defiant grazing. Snape cautiously edged toward Clancy. The bull watched him, but did not follow.

Snape launched himself over the fence. Exhaling heavily, he wheezed, "Hogwarts! Now! Move!" while shoving Clancy in the direction of the lake.

"Severus?" Clancy began tentatively, to break the silence.

"Don't even SPEAK to me!" he barked.

Clancy bided her time before trying again. "Severus, I am sorry. I know how humiliating this has all been for you."

"Humiliating? This journey with you has been so trying, 'humiliating' doesn't begin to describe it."

"You're right. It's been awful. Now, I'm terribly hungry," Clancy realized. "That one puny lamb chop you transfigured last night didn't fill me for very long."

"We will reach the castle within the hour. You can stuff your greedy little belly at the start-of-term banquet."

"I'm feeling lightheaded. Please, can't you - "

"Very well! You're hungry? Take off your trousers. I'll make breakfast!"

"You're humor is becoming puerile," Clancy chided. "If you don't at least allow me to stop and rest, you're going to have to carry me piggyback the rest of the way."

"I hesitate to ask, but how does one 'carry someone piggyback'?" Snape inquired.

"Well, first you squat down, then I straddle your back. You hold onto my legs, while I cling to your neck. You rise effortlessly, and voila! Piggyback!"

"It sounds torturous, but in the interest of time, I am willing to have a go at it - against my better judgment, I might add." Snape kneeled down. "Climb on," he said.

Clancy took her position, and Snape struggled to rise. She arranged her ostrich boa over Snape's shoulders, and laced her arms around his neck.

"Get those feathers off me. They're tickling my nose. Just pitch the damned thing away, will you?"

"No, I'm sentimental. It's the first present you've ever given me, and I intend to keep it."

"It wasn't meant as a gift," Snape reminded her, jabbing his fingernails into the back of her knees.

"Ouch!" Clancy cried. She rearranged the boa and tossed its ends over her shoulders. A section of Snape's white neck was peeking through the tangled strands of his matted hair. She leaned in close and nipped it.

"Ouch!" he responded tepidly. "Look! There's Hogwarts! At last this ordeal will be over!"

"Severus, what will happen to us once we return?"

"I can only speak for myself, but I intend to bathe, and rest until dinner."

"You know that's not what I meant. What will happen to us? We've shared certain informalities during our adventure, and I've spent the last two nights in your arms. We're not going to go back to 'Professor Snape' and 'Miss Norgard', are we? I can't go on wondering if you-"

"Clancy," Snape tried to explain, "if we were ever to...you'd have to understand that I -"

"SEVERUS!" she shrieked. A hooded black figure was gliding toward them. Clancy watched in horror as slimy, grayish hands protruded from its sleeves.

"That is a dementor," Snape told her. "It won't harm us. It's only after Sirius Black. Turn away from it, if it frightens you."

"It does frighten me. I hate ugliness and dark things." She buried her face against his back.

Clancy's comment served to confirm Snape's reservations that a relationship with her could ever be possible. She had just spelled it out plainly: She hated ugliness and dark things - and that was how Snape had always viewed himself, as an ugly, dark thing. He wanted time to think this through. "Let's go down to the lakeshore," he proposed. "I need to rest for a moment. The dementor is moving away."

As he started down the bank toward the water's edge, Snape stepped in a gnomehole, and lost his footing. Clancy and Snape plummeted head over heels into the lake.

"Did you have a nice trip?" Clancy asked Snape facetiously.

"This too, is your fault!" he said acidly, as they floundered in the water. "If you hadn't insisted upon riding me like a PIG, my balance would not have given out from supporting your great weight! You must weigh as much as that bull!"

Clancy cupped her hands and splashed water into Snape's face. "My weight is in perfect proportion to my height! I am neither too plump nor too slim. You, on the other hand, are much too skinny - especially with your trousers off!"

Snape sent a wall of water in her direction. "If you don't care for the way I look without trousers, then stop taking them off of me!"

The splashing increased with their petulance. "Let me tell you this, Severus Snape," Clancy began. "The first time you lost your trousers was my fault, but that bull would be wearing your behind as a hat right now, if I hadn't convinced you to take off that kilt! And furthermore, the next time your trousers come off while you're with me, it will be entirely your own idea!"

The full meaning of Clancy's remark struck them both. They ceased splashing, and exchanged embarrassed glances. "Time to go," Snape decided. He seized her arm, and hauled her roughly up the bank, continuing to half-drag, half-carry her all the way to the castle.

Professor Dumbledore was just descending the entry hall staircase when Snape lurched through the door, straining against the burden of Clancy's weight. Snape propelled her toward the elderly wizard. "Here's Hogwarts' precious choir teacher. I found her drunk and disorderly, but you wanted her back, so here she is."

Dumbledore surveyed them as they stood dripping water onto the floor: Snape, dressed as a kiltless Scot; Clancy, barefoot, with a sodden feather boa hanging from her neck. "Was there some trouble?" Dumbledore asked the pair. "You've arrived much later than expected."

"Some trouble?" Snape gasped. "I've had nothing but trouble!" He shot one last baleful look at Clancy then stomped off to the dungeons.

"Clancy?" Dumbledore asked. "Is there anything you wish to tell me?"

"Only that these last days have been a COMPLETE NIGHTMARE! We even took an inadvertent detour to Wales."

"Wales, you say?" Dumbledore raised his eyebrows. "That's very curious. There was a front-page story in the Daily Prophet this morning concerning an enchanted pineapple giving conga lessons in a Welsh pub..."

---

AUTHOR'S NOTES:

Greetings, fellow nit-pickers. Why, do you ask, didn't Snape just Apparate to the other side of the fence to escape the bull? Because this is a comedy and I wanted to get him out of his kilt!