Quantum Mechanics: A Quantum of Discord
by Rose of the West
Disclaimer: The characters here and the world they inhabit are the creation and property of JK Rowling and her assigns.
It was all out there, now. Severus's true love, and the night he'd spent with her were within Septima's knowledge. She didn't know what to do with this information. “Am I supposed to comfort you, now?”
“No, I just felt the need to explain...”
“I was left starving and feeling sick. The numbers told me you were with that rune. I was already pregnant.”
“It wasn't magical. Weren't you listening? It was a disaster.”
“I wasn't paying that close attention; I couldn't stand to picture it. I'm sorry for your male pride or whatever it was, that Lily Evans didn't realize what a great lover you are and that she should drop her Gryffindors.”
“That's not why I brought it up.”
“At first I viewed that rune as my rival, as the other woman in my love story. Then I realized...” She could feel her lower lip tremble. She would not cry in front of this man. Her voice lowered to a whisper... “I'm the other woman. I've always been the other woman.” She folded her arms tightly around herself and looked back out the window. “Lily Evans Potter... the perfect wife, mother, hero... I'll never be good enough to compare to her.”
She felt him move closer to her. “Septima.”
“Severus, please.”
“What can I do?”
She shook her head. “Nothing! Everything! I don't know.”
He sat in the seat and ran his hand up her leg. “Come to bed, love. It will work out.”
She let the tremor of desire work through her and then took a deep breath to release it. “I don't think it's a good idea.”
“It's the best idea we ever have.”
She pulled herself tighter within the corner she was in. “There are signs of fertility today.”
He said nothing for a minute. Then he touched her hand and said, “I thought we decided that we would take advantage of the moment when it came.”
“I know. We did.” She nodded.
“I thought you wanted to have more children with me.”
“I do!”
“Then why?”
“I don't want to conceive a baby tonight, not when I feel like this.”
“I feel the same for you that I always have.”
“Indifferent.” It just slipped out.
“That's not it.”
She put her hand out. “With the others, I knew I loved you, and at least they had my love if not yours in their makeup. I'm not going to take the chance of conceiving a child when I feel like this.”
He took a deep breath. Was she pushing him too hard? Was this the night she would lose him for good? “What is it that you feel, then?”
“Hurt, angry, and even more upset that I feel this way about you. We've been partners in every way for so long, but I know you love another woman. I shouldn't feel betrayed at this point over something that happened years ago, just because I now know what happened.”
“Yet you do.”
“Yes, and I suppose you can add shame to it as well. I'm ashamed of the way I threw myself at you. Maybe you would have had a chance with her, if you'd never had me to cloud your thoughts.”
“I might have seduced you anyway.”
She shrugged. “Maybe I should have just stayed in my apartment instead of going to that mixer. I'm sure I ought to have worked on my equations.”
“Are you saying you wish we'd never done any of this? All of our work together? The incredible passion between us? What about our children? You would wish our children away?”
“Of course not! Sometimes I just think that maybe it would have been better, though.”
“So now you're punishing—who?”
“Me. I'm the one who should be punished. I'm always the one in the wrong with you.”
“That's not true. I'm not sure I've held my end up at all.”
She shook her head. “You have no end in this. Dumbledore told me I couldn't put demands upon you. I can't allow myself to be weak or clingy. You need complete freedom to function as he wishes you to do. It's a matter of protection for everyone.”
“Dumbledore's an ass.”
She could feel her lip trembling again. “Just go to bed, Severus. I'll find my way down there eventually.”
A/N: Thank you for continuing to read and review, and thank you very much to Kyria of Delphi for previewing and helping!
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