Oh, Knickers!: Oneshot

by peskipiksi

A/N: Prompt: Drunk on house-elf moonshine, Snape is discovered on the Astronomy Tower, wearing red lacy underwear, and proposing to members of staff.

Daily Prophet – 27th September 1997

Hogwarts Headmaster in drunk and disorderly trial

Hogwarts headmaster Severus Snape today appeared in front of the Wizengamot, charged with drunk and disorderly behaviour and causing a breach of the peace at the Hogwarts welcome feast on September 1st.

Mr Snape is alleged to have run amok through the school wearing only select items of ladies’ underclothing.

Headmaster Snape’s lawyer, Mr Culpeo Malfoy, claims his client knew nothing about the incident, and that the offence was in fact committed by a Mr Neville Longbottom, self-proclaimed leader of the anti-dark-force league known as Dumbledore’s Army. It is alleged that Mr Longbottom took Polyjuice Potion to impersonate and incriminate the accused, against whom he has long held a grudge.

Professor Snape claims to have been in bed at the time of the affray, an alibi provided by Professors McGonagall, Sprout and Trelawney, teachers at Hogwarts School.

The trial continues.


Next prompt: Snape has opened a lingerie shop, capitalising on rumours in The Daily Prophet. Merlin is designer, saying that if people are going to take the name of his underwear in vain, said underwear should at least be in fashion.

Daily Prophet – Corrections and Apologies – 30th August 1998

Re: Slytherin’s Secret staffed by pervert? (25th August)

We would like to make it clear that Mr Severus Snape, proprietor of the above boutique, was never found guilty of the charge of parading through Hogwarts in ladies’ underwear.

Mr Snape, who resigned from the school in May, citing severe stress and constant harassment as the cause, gave this statement to our special correspondent, Rita Skeeter:

‘For Merlin’s sake, I WAS AQUITTED! It was Neville Longbottom impersonating me. Ask Minerva. Or Sybill. Or Pomona. Anyone with half a brain would have realised it wasn’t me. The knickers were red, for crying out loud – Gryffindor colours. No self-respecting Slytherin would be seen dead in RED underwear. If I were going to indulge myself, I would choose a nice emerald green from our “Serpensaucia” range – oh… er… you won’t print that last bit, will you?’

Ms Skeeter, however, reminded Mr Snape of the Daily Prophet’s motto: Our readers have the right to know the truth. Our thoughts are with our colleague, and we hope she will be out of St Mungo’s and back at work very soon.

The Diary of Severus Snape

26th December: Bloody hell! I must charm this diary to hex me if I ever decide to visit my blasted father’s family for Christmas again! My charming Muggle cousins received a computer for Christmas, complete with something called Board Band, which gives them access to numerous of these spider-web-site things about me.

One of the worst, which needless to say the whole family found hilarious, was something called The Petulant Poetess, which seems to be run by a group of sexually insatiable women, and is full of lies about me sleeping with students and teachers alike. Sybill Trelawney? I ask you! If anyone has cause to be petulant, it’s me.

When Aunt Joan started blowing up balloons with a knowing glint in her eye, I left in disgust. Next Christmas, I am going to lock myself in my office with a bottle of Firewhisky (and possibly some of those stories involving me and a certain Miss Granger – well, a man can dream!)


5th April: Bloody, bloody hell! Cannot believe what the barmy old codger we are insane enough to let run this school wants me to do now. Only dress up as the bloody Easter Bunny! Apparently some lunatic Muggle woman has put him up to it. (Note to self: must write a letter to these women setting down ground rules for these fanciful scribblings of theirs.)

Why can’t they get Lupin to do it? He’s obsessed with chocolate. Or Flitwick. He’s at least the right height. I’m six-foot-two, for Merlin’s sake; I’m going to look like something out of that James Stewart film my father keeps watching.

Still, suppose I’d better do it if I want to stand any chance of getting the Dark Arts job next year. One day I swear I am going to KILL Albus Dumbledore!

A/N: Prompt for the Easter entry was one of Dumbledore’s diary entries: ‘Not sure why we celebrate a Muggle Christian festival, but a pagan fertility rite in a school full of hormonal teenagers might be a bad idea. So was Argus Filch as the Easter Bunny – made most of the first years cry. Oh well, live and learn. Maybe Severus as the Easter Bunny next year? (My thanks go to Amazon HP forum contributor, Ashley for all prompts.)

This story archived at: Occlumency