Severus Snape: 1975-1998: One-Shot
by amnesia
When did life begin to get so difficult?
Far before today.
Is there at least a reason for this?
Only as much reason as there are
Days in forever
Feelings in a lifetime
Memories in the past.
(So, that's a no, then.)
Well, you take what you can get.
And you get what you can take.
And at the end of the day,
Nobody's really sure what anybody has,
If anything.
And when you finally reach the end of your rope,
At least you can expect a nice long fall afterwards.
It gives you some time to recollect your reasons.

Your reasons!
Which, fluttering, flying, soaring,
Sinking through the tepid air,
Follow you like shadows
Upon the dreary backdrop of a life that was not well-lived.
You fight and claw and grasp
And somehow,
You're back where you started,
Wondering how you got here anyway.

It was that moment,
(You know it was, don't deny it,)
That singular moment that led to
Everything.
Anything.
Anything worth mentioning, at least.
(And do recall that the least is all
You have any right to expect anymore.
Don't fool yourself. She doesn't love you
Anymore.)
You falter and stumble,
Blindly striking out,
Following where you are led, because
You don't know where else you have to go.

The pieces
fall
apart...
And if the blinking, raging chaos is a welcome escape
From the madness in your mind,
Well,
Who are they to judge?
You know they suspect,
But not they do not suspect enough.
They underestimate, and only you know how dangerous
loathsome! unholy! monstrous.
(utterly crushed in every sense of the word, and then some others)
You truly are.
In your palm
You hold the power to destroy,
A power which was never truly yours
Until this moment.


You didn't want this! (you roar)
It's not your fault. (softer)
It can't be. (pleading)
Because if it was, you could never survive it. (and this could never be put into words)
Already it's hard enough;
Why make it harder? Why
Why
Why -


The face of a clock is apathetic.
It offers no sympathy,
Lends no comfort,
And affords no pity.
You sink into the torpor of time
And you do not emerge.


Her eyes glare at you from across the room,
And suddenly
You are ten, twenty years back
(A happier time, far happier than any)
And you love her.
And what breaks your heart is that she loves you
Too.
But not in the right way.
You long for her to realize
It's you! It has been, all along!
If she would just notice!
But instead you fuck up again,
(just like the last time you watched this pivotal moment, and the time before that –
why does it never change? - O, the agony...
Because you deserve this, you know that.)
And the pain of the moment hurtles you back to the present
With a strange and searing plop,
The sound of a life being jump-started.
Your heart beats again (but how, when she is gone?)
And as the blood flows through your veins as if for the first time in years,
You have hope for the future.

Your hope sours, but refuses to fade,
When you realize that you were right,
She really is gone.
You were wrong to hope that he would be like her
In all the best ways.
(So wrong it hurts.)
You face the wall again,
Wanting to refuse the signs,
Ignore the call of the ghost of what never was.
But you can't.
(You knew you wouldn't.)
You need to know that if she is there
In him,
She has had the chance to be heard.
Who will listen to a child? He needs more time.
So you provide it.
(Take it. Take it all. Take all I have, and then more.)

The hands of time revolve,
And the agony recedes like the tide,
With nothing gained from the absence
But an unforeseen fervor when it returns.
He has had time.
He takes his time (and yours, and theirs)
And you do what you can to help,
As you bite your tongue until it bleeds.

When the moment comes,
Your sole relief is that you have done all you could.
You don't know who will win,
And who will perish,
But you lay down,
Let down your guard,
And show him why you love him.
You die with hope -
Hope that he will understand,
Hope that he will succeed,
(Hope that she will be there with open arms
When you close your eyes.)
A peaceful quiet descends upon your heart.
The silent truth steals over you and suddenly, you know:
Your life was not a waste.
You have loved, and therein lies the beauty and worth
Of anything and everything worthwhile.

You close your eyes, and they do not open again.

This story archived at: Occlumency
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