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| Lady Whitehart | 2006.03.18 - 12:22PM | 5: Retributions | Signed |
| “For as long as I feel they need to learn their lesson or until they are out of puberty.” So that would be for the rest of their lives? :D Evelyn does need to learn to not be such a mother hen to her sister. That's enough to annoy anyone to death. Author's Response: Exactly!! Puberty should last all their lives, or would that just be Slytherins??? Or men??? I was going to think of something more gruesome, but my mind isn't that varried when it comes to bad things!! Only good things!! | |||
| Lady Whitehart | 2006.03.18 - 12:22PM | 5: Retributions | Signed |
| “For as long as I feel they need to learn their lesson or until they are out of puberty.” So that would be for the rest of their lives? :D Evelyn does need to learn to not be such a mother hen to her sister. That's enough to annoy anyone to death. Author's Response: Yeah she does need to learn that, although Grace has no magic, she can take care of herself. Evelyn feels quite a lot of guilt, which will be revealed later on, which is why she feels she needs to protect Grace. I hope it's not all too confusing, I know my mind works in a very weird way! Some things don't always make sense, even to me!! Thanks for reading, chapter 6 up this week some time!! | |||
| cosmic_quest | 2006.03.11 - 03:21PM | 4: Excuses | Signed |
| Interesting story. While Grace is developing into an interesting character (albeit she is so useless in the Potions class that it is a bit odd she would be allowed to be a classroom assistant in that subject), Evelyn does remain quite Mary Sue-ish in the way she has all these talents and comes across as overly confident (at times, even arrogant and self-righteous).
It would be just like Dumbledore to immediatly try to expel the Slytherins after such an incident but I'm surprised Snape never objected on the basis that a Gryffindor nearly killed him as a boy and got off scot-free. I also wonder just how legal it would be for Dumbledore to allow Evelyn to probe the minds of four pupils.
Still, your writing is good and the canon characters are in character so it will be interesting to see how the story develops. Author's Response: Thansk for the review, and I've had a few comments made on how the OC's are a little Mary-Sueish, and it first I had no idea what that meant!! Evelyn's self-righteousness stems from the fact that she has the power that Grace does not, and so feels duty bound to protect her. She's not super-powerful, and while she does have those gifts, they are not unlimited. I know Dumbledore seemed a little lax in letting Evelyn probe Draco's mind, and at first I did question my decision to put this in, but it all seemed to fit the scene well, since Draco would not be very proficient or forth coming in extracting the memory himself for them all to see. Thsi way, Evelyn had the memory and would be able to extract it from her own mind for them to see. And, yes, I know it seemed odd that Snape didn't interject on the Slytherin's behalf, but the way I wrote it, didn't give much of a chance for him to do that, Grace beat him to it. Also, Dumbledore was counting on someone saying something. He knew that Snape would intervene, not to mention Draco's father, had they actually been expelled. Evelyn's over confidence comes from that fact that with the sole powers of her family resting on her shoulders, she feels she has no choice but to be so. There is a reason as to why Grace has been placed with Snape. While, yes, many people have asked why she would even be there considering she can't brew a potion herself, her knowledge is comparable to Snape's, and Dumbledore has had his reasons, which we will see later on in the story. Thanks again for reading, and I'm glad I have kept the characters as close to the originals. I was worried that they wouldn't be, as I know people do take some free licence with them, which is fine!!!! | |||
| Lady Whitehart | 2006.03.10 - 08:54PM | 4: Excuses | Signed |
| Crabbe and Goyle looked as confounded as ever, not understanding a word of what Evelyn had said. She decided not to probe their thoughts for fear of irreparably damaging her own IQ.
Gave me the giggles! Gutting rats? Yuck! Author's Response: Hahahaha!! I'm glad to have instilled a little comedy in there!!! Glad people are still reading!!! Chapter 5 will be up in a few days. Cheers!! | |||
| Lady Whitehart | 2006.02.28 - 11:31PM | 2: Confrontations | Signed |
| Your two OC's are beginning to shed their "Sue-ishness"--a good thing. I'm interested in seeing this play out. This sounds really familiar. Have you posted it elsewhere? Author's Response: Yes, it is posted on fanfiction.net in its unbeta'ed form. I'm glad they aren't too mary-sue. That really wasn't the intention!!!!!!! What can I say? I can only plead ignorance!!! | |||
| EXECUTR | 2006.02.28 - 07:31PM | 2: Confrontations | Signed |
| Good start. Please keep writing. Author's Response: Oh I will! I have 25 chapters written and am in the process of editing them. Chapter 3 should be up soon! | |||
| ally | 2006.02.27 - 07:38PM | 1: Re-acquaintances | Signed |
| I must agree with Aragon, your OCs are extremely Mary Sue-ish.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_Sue#List_of_Male_Mary_Sues
Everything you've wanted to know about Mary Sues :) Author's Response: Ok? Well, I hope that my later chapters aren't quite that bad! It was in noy way my intention of making them out to be like that!! They are in no way perfect!!! At least they aren't supposed to be perfect! They are actually brits, they've just been living in America for a few years. | |||
| Aragon | 2006.02.27 - 07:11AM | 1: Re-acquaintances | Signed |
| Forgive me for being blunt but those OCs of yours sound like textbook-MarySues. Amazingly beautyful, Americans, one of them über-powerful with abilities that are very unlike JKR's world (where people create and control fire with spells and move objects with the same - both ultimately courtesy of their magic and mind! And her version of telepathy is *gasp* Legilimency so why not using that?) but instead as if you'd taken out a leaf from WeißKreuz's Schwarz... And she of course possesses not one of those rare talents but a whole batch of them! The other has "powers" that go clearly farther then being an empathic person despite being a muggle and Snape is dazzled from the first second of acquaintance. Also JKR's world obviously bends over backwards and changes standard procedures just for them.
I can't help but finding lots of things weird or unrealistic. Since when has the staff to stand and wait around to greet new teachers at Hogwarts? *wonders* We've seen enough new teachers arrive at Hogwarts and none got VIP-treatment but were simply introduced after the Sorting. Why didn't this Grace-girl ask McGonagall for help when running around in the middle of the night? Minerva would have just as well being able to help and was already there and awake. Seems imo very contrieved.
Snape "deeply ashamed" for simply forgetting an insignificant meeting? Perhaps in a parody. Sounds horribly OOC to me.
Why would Snape need a teaching assistant? Why would he put up with one who can't even brew, especially one who can do nothing if someone blows up a cauldron to protect the students?! And even according to Umbridge his students are more knowledgeable and further in their studies than those of his predecessors and as the ministry expects them to be! He might not be nice but he's clearly a competent teacher. Even mediocre students like Harry and Ron, who are uninterested in potions, given to cheating and copying, who are rather lazy and only learning at the last minute, do well on the ministry-administered tests (both reaching Es) thanks to his teaching!
Why would he put with such a blatant insult to his own teaching and negating of his authority and competence as this forcing on of an - objectively - unnessecary and useless assistant? It would be an open humilation of Snape from Dumbledore. No other teacher has one (and there are quite a few blatantly incompetent instructors at Hogwarts: Trelawney, Hagrid and basically every DADA-teacher until HBP come easily to mind) and he seems not in need of one. Whereas Binns can't even keep his students awake on his own or notice their absence - and in History she wouldn't even need magical abilities.... Or why not letting her teach Muggle Studies? Would make a lot more sense imo.
Your writing in itself so far really isn't bad or uninteresting and easily readable imo. But I wish you had worked a bit more on a balanced characterization and plot. Author's Response: Thanks for the review, and I know that it may seem very far fetched (well, yes it is, it's fanfiction!) but there is a reason behind all the things you mentioned. Grace has been put with Snape because Potions is the only thing she has ever been passionate about, despite not being able to brew one herself (and there is a reason as to why she can't,). As for Evelyn's telepathy, it goes far beyond Legilimency. It's a gift she was born with, not a skill she learned over time. And while I did question myself about giving her powers at all, I thought, why not? It's fiction, and as the story progresses, I am keeping to book 5 as much as possible. As for text book Mary-Sues, To be perfectly honest, I have no idea what they are, I'm a Brit!! And, without spoiling too much, they aren't true Americans, they moved there when they were teenagers. As for Dumbledore and the other meeting them at the front entrance, I just thought it would be a nice opener!! Plus one last thing, this is my first go at fanfiction, so it may not be as great as others I have read here, but as long as people read it, I'll keep posting!! If you are interested in more chapters, I have 24 chapters unedited on fanfiction.net under the same penname. Thank you for reading at all!! Author's Response: Oh! almost forgot!! Grace has not been put with Snape because Dumbledore thinks he is incompetent. She's not there because he needs her. As for him being deeply ashamed, I wanted to convey the complexity of his emotions in that as well as feeling ashamed, he felt put out at the same time. I also wanted to convey his respect for Dumbledore. I know it isn't a perfect first chapter, but my beta said it flowed fine and after reading my other chapters, she forgave me for the lack of answers to some of the questions you rose. | |||
| cw19403 | 2006.02.26 - 07:41PM | 1: Re-acquaintances | Signed |
| Well, this is intriguing! It's always fun to meet new people and watch them shake things up at Hogwarts. More please! Author's Response: Thanks, and chapter 2 should be approved any day now! This is my first fanfiction and so the admin staff are having to approve every chapter. I know that not much was explained in the first chapter, but all will become clear!! | |||
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